Month: December 2016

The Easter Cobra

The Easter Cobra or Bitey Rabbit was genetically engineered by SinoBeast Shanghai Limited for retro-fetish hipsters (RetFets) in the North American and European markets. RetFets use the Easter Cobra to celebrate their neo-pagan fertility rites.

What can be more exciting than dressing up in hot sweaty 1970s polyester church clothes and hunting for colorful eggs in the tall spring clover? How about getting bitten on the hand by the Easter Cobra and injected with its hallucinogenic venom and spending the rest of the day nude and dancing ecstatically and having group sex in piles of writhing bodies right on the ground?

Yes, the Goddess moves in mysterious ways, especially when you are tripping your balls off so hard that you paint magic symbols on your butt and end up having sex with things like the car door and the hedges in front of the elementary school down the street. “Mommy, why doesn’t that man have on any clothes, and what is he doing to the shrubbery?” Continue reading “The Easter Cobra Trading Card”

The Rana MooMoo

The Rana MooMoo or Common Cowfrog is a successful yet gross example of genetic engineering used to increase food production while reducing greenhouse gas emissions.

Since cows emit about 100 to 200 liters of methane per day, and since dairy foods are so important to most human diets, an animal such as the Rana MooMoo has obvious value.

As Texas A&M professor, Dr. Buford T. Bohanon said, “We don’t need a half-ton cow, just a 30-pound frog with an udder full of tits on its head. I tell you, this is one of the true miracles of science. Makes me proud to be a cow engineer. You wanna see the manatee we got out back? We put tits on its head too.” Continue reading “The Rana MooMoo Trading Card”

The Bonkbashing Scrumblebum

The Bonkbashing Scrumblebum is a rugby-training animal that was genetically engineered to charge through clusters of tangled bodies. For maximum aggressiveness and indestructibility, genetic material from the ankylosaurus and the rhinoceros were combined to make this beast, and a pinch of billy goat was thrown in for good measure.

The sound of breaking bones causes the Scrumblebum to prance its hooves up and down and spin around excitedly in a circle. Ruggers call this bone-crushing orgy of stomping “the tap dance of death.”

And then there is the Scrumblebum’s tail. The swing of this creature’s mallot-headed tail is capable of fucking shit up righteously, to quote Jane Austen. Continue reading “The Bonkbashing Scrumblebum Trading Card”

The Ear-Splitting Yowlerhowl

The Ear-Splitting Yowlerhowl was genetically engineered for the Australian sporting and novelty markets, where it was briefly sold under the brand name Scrumblebum before being recalled due to product liability concerns.

The Yowlerhowl goes dormant when confined in dark containers, but when released into daylight, it springs to life and starts streaking around and howling like a siren and scratching the hell out of everything as it runs. To this day, insurance policies in Australia specifically exclude damage resulting from incidents with Yowlerhowl.

Imagine a bunch of drunken Australians swinging boots and cricket bats through walls, windows, and furniture, and you will have a good idea how much damage can result from a single Yowlerhowl leaping out of an unwrapped gag gift. Continue reading “The Ear-Splitting Yowlerhowl Trading Card”

The Belchilating Halitrocious

The Belchilating Halitrocious likes to consume tons of beer and spicy food and then singe the hairs out of people’s nostrils with its paint-blistering belches. The Halitrocious has no concept of personal space and talks directly into people’s faces and can’t stop talking once started.

This creature also has a sixth sense for homing in on people who are feeling slightly nauseated. Needless to say, the Belchilating Halitrocious sometimes gets barfed on. Continue reading “The Belchilating Halitrocious Trading Card”

The Twatterfying Postibator

The Twatterfying Postibator or Posticated Nincomblat is a tiny invisible gnat that swarms around computer and phone screens in the middle of the night. The tiny Postibator gnat secretes mind-altering chemicals that cause people to make ill-conceived posts on social media.

Often those afflicted with swarms of Postibators will already have an addiction problem with social media and make posts more frequently than is healthy or practical, so much so that they frequently run out of meaningful new information to post. Sometimes these individuals are reduced to photographing their meals and even their own feces merely to have something to talk about. Continue reading “The Twatterfying Postibator Trading Card”

The Egomaniacal Sarandonderp

The Egomaniacal Sarandonderp is a microscopic brain parasite that causes people to make crackpot decisions in elections where they don’t like either candidate.

The Sarandonderp secretes a hormone called “egomone,” which causes infected individuals to overestimate the importance of their opinions and preferences, to the extent that more important concerns are neglected, even life and death concerns.

Clinical studies with synthetic egomone have shown that under its influence, people literally lose the ability to gauge likely outcomes and react accordingly. Scientists believe that it is the emotional high induced by egomone that makes those infected blind to everyday realities and convinces them that their preferences must and will be accommodated in some way.

Most of the Sarandonderp’s victims die of a terminal case of the dumbass, and so researchers have had limited opportunities to interview people who recover. Continue reading “The Egomaniacal Sarandonderp Trading Card”

The Chumbling Hundergrunt

The Chumbling Hundergrunt is a sentient bird that sings bedtime lullabies in the voice of Marge Simpson. This genetically-engineered chimera was created by an eccentric billionaire as a vanity project, but the film industry quickly discovered how creepy the creature’s slow soft singing was when paired with the right images, and soon nearly every horror film and disaster film featured a song by a Hundergrunt.

The best known example is the theme song for the blockbuster “Titanic II: Reunion Under The Sea,” which is a cover of Elvis’s song “Love Me Tender” sung by a Hundergrunt. Continue reading “The Chumbling Hundergrunt Trading Card”