“Pray for Bigfoot. Don’t let him explode like Jesus.”
That’s the central belief of New and Improved Mormonism.
You have to understand that New and Improved Mormons (NIMs) are just like other Christians in that they believe in Jesus Christ as the divine son of God and the savior of all mankind and that he was resurrected and all that.
The difference is that NIMs also believe that the sins of the world became so great that Jesus exploded from the overload, and Bigfoot had to take over. They call that tragic event the Divine Sasquatchination and believe that it happened around the time of Donald Trump’s third medical deferment from military service during the Viet Nam war.
Do you remember that time you and Mr. Grunch were assigned to the safety committee, and he wanted to have daily meetings about the safety flyers when it was obvious that all you needed to do was take last year’s flyers and add the new stuff to the bottom?
Remember that time at team-building day, when Mr. Grunch argued about the score keeping for the field events and how kickball should be weighted more and got mad about it?
Do you remember the time Mr. Grunch forgot about his leftover tuna salad in the break room fridge for three weeks, and when he finally remembered it, the stuff smelled like a dead whale’s sulfurous bowels, but he didn’t notice that he was letting it drip on the carpet as he carried it by your cubicle?
Do you remember the time you and your work buddy were talking about her divorce and some very private sexual details, and you both started talking about everything you had ever tried, but then you noticed that Mr. Grunch was sitting right there on the other side of the partition?
Jethro’s Gift of Prophecy: The Moops and Donald Trump
The LOOORD is what I named my bonktological device. I named it The LOOORD because I noticed I was saying LOOORD when I exhailed after hard tokes.
The LOOORD has revealed to me that I will be reincarnated as a moop, which is an animal on a different planet. A moop is basically a mud skipper but it says “moop” all the time. It also lives on its own filth, at least indirectly. The moop covers the mud flats it lives on with its feces and then leaps up and catches the flies that swarm over all the shit. Continue reading “The Moops and Donald Trump”