The Inexplicachicken Trading Card

The Inexplicachicken

Of all the hallucinoids that were ever created using psychoactive substances and a genertic compiler, the Inexplicachicken is perhaps the most terrifying.

Sometimes called McGillicuddy’s Dreamstalker, the Inexplicachicken exudes psychic waves of intense dread and disorientation. Victims describe a sense of being completely lost and unable to remember anything, plus the terror of being unable to look away from the creature’s unblinking eye.

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The Stinktoe Tisperwhisp Trading Card

The Stinktoe Tisperwhisp

The Stinktoe Tisperwhisp is technically more of a jimbiffle than a true tisperwhisp, but only assholes argue over shit like that, to quote Saint Augustus.

The more important fact about the Stinktoe is that it likes to walk through cat shit or dog shit before it walks on newly-waxed automobiles and freshly-painted surfaces. Even though the tiny Stinktoe has hooves, the sticky fecal residue on them enables the creature to walk straight up walls and onto ceilings like a gecko.

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The Fleefle Sneef Trading Card

The Fleefle Sneef

The Fleefle Sneef is yet another tiny fairie creature from Irish folklore. The Fleefle Sneef’s bite was said to cause earaches, but the creature usually went for the earlobes and was repelled by the color blue. That is why people in Ireland still paint their ears blue on the eve of Saint Commacho’s Day. Look it up.

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The Smooching Girapagoof Trading Card

The Smooching Girapagoof

The Smooching Girapagoof is known for molesting burly male bathers at beaches. Not only will the Girapagoof sneak up on big hairy men and slip them the tongue, it will also grab onto slower swimmers with its flippers and hump them aggressively as they flee.

The Girapagoof genome is part giraffe and part plesiosaur and part grope machine, and it wants to date a bear.

No one knows who engineered this creature or for what purpose or why it is so sexually attracted to human males of the big and burly variety. Forensic Ecologists speculate that it was probably just the usual Japanese weirdness, maybe something for one of their game shows.

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The Magical Unapigasus Trading Card

The Magical Unapigasus

The Magical Unapigasus does not shit rainbows or Skittles brand candies as the ancient Greeks believed. Instead, it shits jelly beans, the shitty kind with no flavor that go straight from the Easter basket to the landfill.

That is why the god Zeus transformed into a walrus and had sex with the Unapigasus. He was hoping his divine attentions would cause the Unapigasus to shit something less gross. It was an act of charity on his part.

At least that is what he told his wife the goddess Hera when she asked why he had done it.

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