Of all the hallucinoids that were ever created using psychoactive substances and a genertic compiler, the Inexplicachicken is perhaps the most terrifying.
Sometimes called McGillicuddy’s Dreamstalker, the Inexplicachicken exudes psychic waves of intense dread and disorientation. Victims describe a sense of being completely lost and unable to remember anything, plus the terror of being unable to look away from the creature’s unblinking eye.
Continue reading “The Inexplicachicken Trading Card”
The Stinktoe Tisperwhisp
The Stinktoe Tisperwhisp is technically more of a jimbiffle than a true tisperwhisp, but only assholes argue over shit like that, to quote Saint Augustus.
The more important fact about the Stinktoe is that it likes to walk through cat shit or dog shit before it walks on newly-waxed automobiles and freshly-painted surfaces. Even though the tiny Stinktoe has hooves, the sticky fecal residue on them enables the creature to walk straight up walls and onto ceilings like a gecko.
Continue reading “The Stinktoe Tisperwhisp Trading Card”
The Fleefle Sneef
The Fleefle Sneef is yet another tiny fairie creature from Irish folklore. The Fleefle Sneef’s bite was said to cause earaches, but the creature usually went for the earlobes and was repelled by the color blue. That is why people in Ireland still paint their ears blue on the eve of Saint Commacho’s Day. Look it up.
Continue reading “The Fleefle Sneef Trading Card”
The Smooching Girapagoof
The Smooching Girapagoof is known for molesting burly male bathers at beaches. Not only will the Girapagoof sneak up on big hairy men and slip them the tongue, it will also grab onto slower swimmers with its flippers and hump them aggressively as they flee.
The Girapagoof genome is part giraffe and part plesiosaur and part grope machine, and it wants to date a bear.
No one knows who engineered this creature or for what purpose or why it is so sexually attracted to human males of the big and burly variety. Forensic Ecologists speculate that it was probably just the usual Japanese weirdness, maybe something for one of their game shows.
Continue reading “The Smooching Girapagoof Trading Card”
The Magical Unapigasus
The Magical Unapigasus does not shit rainbows or Skittles brand candies as the ancient Greeks believed. Instead, it shits jelly beans, the shitty kind with no flavor that go straight from the Easter basket to the landfill.
That is why the god Zeus transformed into a walrus and had sex with the Unapigasus. He was hoping his divine attentions would cause the Unapigasus to shit something less gross. It was an act of charity on his part.
At least that is what he told his wife the goddess Hera when she asked why he had done it.
Continue reading “The Magical Unapigasus Trading Card”
When their TV taught them to hate Russians, they hated Russians.
When their TV taught them to hate Democrats, they hated Democrats.
When their TV taught them to hate the Rich, they hated the Rich.
When their TV taught them to hate the Poor, they hated the Poor.