Krudbucket from Semeny Street
“Hi kids! My name is Krudbucket. Who wants to see a dead rat?”
Krudbucket lives in a trash can on Semeny Street. He teaches children about the importance of cities and how they are changing for the better to make even more money for the ultra rich. Krudbucket’s song about tax breaks for pro-sports stadiums is just downright heartwarming, and the kids love it.
Krudbucket also spreads drug-resistant TB and hepatitis throughout public places. It’s his way of giving back to the community, which spends over half a million dollars annually to cover all the time he spends in the emergency room, jails, and other facilities devoted to deeply troubled people who will never be capable of working a job or paying rent.
For this amount of money, twenty working families could be subsidized sufficiently to live in the city, but they moved away years ago. Of course, nobody mourns their loss on Semeny Street or the influx of street addicts because that would be ableist and insensitive and judgmental and all that.
Krudbucket doesn’t take his meds consistently and sometimes spends whole days and nights on end screaming at invisible demons. It’s all part of the sense of community that makes Semeny Street a special place for children to learn about our world.
The Triptillated Hallucinochigger
People are aware of the horrible diseases that they can catch from mites and ticks, but have they ever thought about all the chemicals and crap that these poor arachnids are exposed to by feeding on humans?
Most people encounter the tiny mites called chiggers while camping out at hippy-shake music festivals in the summertime. Considering how much acid, molly, shrooms, and really good THC people have in their bloodstreams at these events, it’s only natural that parasites would have to adapt to these chemicals in order to survive on the humans they encountered.
And that is why evolution produced creatures like the Freak-Out Mosquito and the Triptillated Hallucinochigger. Continue reading “The Triptillated Hallucinochigger Trading Card”
The Flarbis Malarbis
The Flarbis Malarbis is the most interesting of all the brain parasites that infest Newt Gingrich’s skull. It eats the part of the brain that normally prevents a person from behaving like a complete sociopath. Its excrement contains hormones that prevents the host from feeling shame, remorse, guilt, and other humanizing emotions.
Scientists estimate that Newt Gingrich has at least two pounds of Malarbis feces in his skull based on his behavior and how easily he can lie and misrepresent. Continue reading “The Flarbis Malarbis Trading Card”
The Sticky-Pawed Mumapikmeup
The Sticky-Pawed Mumapikmeup is the unholy creature that switches places with human toddlers in grocery stores. Their paws are coated with a mixture of snot, nacho-cheese-chip flavoring, sugary food residues, condiments, and grease. And filth. Don’t forget filth.
Scientist tell us that the purpose of the stickiness is to collect filth, and that is why the Mumapikmeup is physically incapable of passing by things like ashtrays, piles of floor sweepings, and other sources of random filth without sticking in their paws, which are sooner or later put into the mouth. Scientist estimate that the average Mumapikmeup ingests over 1.2 pounds of random filth daily. Continue reading “The Sticky-Pawed Mumapikmeup Trading Card”