The Loathsome NeedleButt
The Loathsome NeedleButt or Infernal Ouchtoe as it is sometimes called was the first thing Captain Cook stepped on when he made landfall in Australia.
Like nearly every other animal in Australia, the Needlebutt has a powerful venom and a fondness for getting underfoot.
Needlebutt venom is hallucinogenic and extremely unpleasant. It effects have been described by many as making your body feel like it were melting into vomit, possibly because vomiting is what its victims spend most of their time doing.
Others say it is like being sauteed in rancid garbage or smelling every gross smell you had ever smelled all at once. That is why Needlebutt venom is used in micro doses to desensitize international tourists before traveling to the French Quarter in New Orleans during the summer months. Continue reading “The Loathsome NeedleButt Trading Card”
The Flarpish Tringleblerp
The Flarpish Tringleblerp were the smallest, most teeniest of all the Irish fairies. They crapped in people’s shoes at night and used their credit cards to buy stuff online. That was how they got even with mortals who failed to show them proper respect or sometimes just to be a dick.
Although the Tringleblerp were vanishingly small (or flarpish), they were the power shitters of the fairy kingdom, capable of laying atrocious gorilla turds in people’s boots and wooden clogs if they got pissed at them.
That is why the priests of Ireland encouraged their congregations to hide their shoes in the microwave or refrigerator at night, and that is why leftover cabbage smells so bad the next day. Continue reading “The Flarpish Tringleblerp Trading Card”
The Pork-Roast Dolphin
The Pork-Roast Dolphin was genetically engineered by Seaworld of Omaha to provide a slow-moving target for the sport of competitive indoor harpooning and to help to fill shortages in the world’s supply of cheap pork.
For the creature’s impact on the sport of competitive indoor harpooning, Seaworld of Omaha won the SPCA’s coveted Idea of the Year award for “an innovative solution to a practical problem affecting us all.” Continue reading “The Pork-Roast Dolphin Trading Card”
The Backward-Assed Anusimian
The Backward-Assed Anusimian allowed people to see what can happen when the same computer network carries data for everything from digital gene splicers to photocopy machines.
In a more innocent world, people used to think that double exposures in old photographs were creepy. If only they could have seen what resulted from someone drunkenly photocopying their ass at an office party while someone else was still cloning rhesus monkeys to meet a project deadline. Continue reading “The Backward-Assed Anusimian Trading Card”
The Snittle Wibsy
The Snittle Wibsy is the most evil creature to ever come from the Walt Disney corporation’s secret labs, worse than the sodomy pandas or the decapitation chipmunks or anything else they ever made for the CIA.
The Snittle Wibsy is more diabolical than either of these because it is a supernatural parasite that controls its host’s mind using a mixture of extreme cuteness and demonic telepathy.
The Wibsy secures a host by snuggling up to the person’s face while they are sleeping. When the person wakes, there is the tiny creature on the pillow beside them, warm, fluffy, adorable, and filled with supernatural malevolence. Continue reading “The Snittle Wibsy Trading Card”
The Scaminy Dunglescrot
Scaminy Dunglescrot was the name of the ill-conceived mascot for the ill-conceived 2068 Christchurch Summer Olympics.
Needless to say, the sexist mascot was not well received at home or abroad, and effigies of Scaminy Dunglescrot were burned in street protests around the world.
The International Olympic Committee condemned the choice of mascot, and it was eventually changed by the New Zealanders to “Bert the Inoffensive Generic Bird not Kiwi,” who was introduced at the 11th hour after weeks of debate over whether or not the kiwi bird was inoffensive to all parties and not reaching a consensus. Continue reading “The Scaminy Dunglescrot Trading Card”
The Brainivorous Tricerabeetle
The Brainivorous Tricerabeetle is actually a miniature marsupial and not an insect, but it is smaller than a housefly, and it is a parasite of the most pernicious kind.
The Tricerabeetle burrows into the ear canals of people watching Fox News and other forms of conservative infotainment drama shouting. Continue reading “The Brainivorous Tricerabeetle Trading Card”
The Scrunkulous Shitwinkle
Once the world’s population exceeded 50 billion people, it became necessary to transmigrate people’s minds into smaller creatures simply because space and other resources had completely run out.
Many different types of animals were tried out as hosts, with varying degrees of success. Eventually it was learned that a particular type of person felt most comfortable in a particular type of creature.
For example, accountants were best suited for life as a guinea pig, while human resource professionals were perfectly at home as intestinal parasites. Continue reading “The Scrunkulous Shitwinkle Trading Card”
The Desert Crocoloosa
The Desert Crocoloosa supposedly haunts the deserts of the southwestern United States and northern Mexico, but it is most commonly reported by people day drinking tequila in the blazing sun, and thus its actual existence is a matter of debate.
The Bible mentions the Crocoloosa at least 17 times. It is the beast upon which Abraham road in triumph when he entered the city of Detroit, and it is the beast which appeared to the prophet Isaah in a dream.
Biblical scholars point out that Isaah’s dream occurred directly after the wicked priests of Baal had challenged him to a drinking contest and he kicked their asses, but the Bible does not explicitly state that the alcoholic beverage was tequila. Continue reading “The Desert Crocoloosa Trading Card”
The Murderous Hellbeast
The Murderous Hellbeast of Alpha Centauri 6 was originally called the Hot-Ass Mommacita by the cis-hetero-male crew of the space freighter that discovered it on the 27th year of their nominally 20-year mission.
The space freighter was the #LOL-420-YOLO, part of an asteroid mining operation in the Alpha Centauri system, and its crew included the sub-crews of all its detachable mining units, and so 87 people in all.
Before the planet was nuked from space, Alpha Centauri 6 was sufficiently Earth-like to be used for R&R by the crews of the different asteroid mining vessels working out that way.
Mostly this R&R consisted of drunken hunting and fishing trips where the goal was to shoot as many creatures as possible using high-caliber rifles and rocket-propelled grenades. (You don’t get many sensitive types working in asteroid mining. Or women. Or guys who aren’t complete assholes.) Continue reading “The Murderous Hellbeast Trading Card”