The Emotional-Support Maggot
Once more than 50% of the U.S. population became morbidly obese, a new type of emotional-support animal was needed because the typical dog or cat was no longer good for the role.
The reason was simple: Even when overfed, a cat or dog could still be relatively fit and active, at least when compared to their owners.
But it wasn’t just a matter of the animal needing more activity than the human could provide. There was also the problem of trying to bond to an animal whose very existence was the worst form of fat shaming.
By failing to eat constantly and by occasional physical activity, the cat or dog was guilty of being insensitive in the first degree as defined by law, and the Supreme Court ruled that pet-food manufacturers were liable to civil penalties for the pain and suffering inflicted.
People desperately needed something that matched their level of gluttony and sloth, and thankfully science stepped up to the plate and produced the Emotional-Support Maggot. Continue reading “The Emotional-Support Maggot Trading Card”
The Pungent Toepillar
The Pungent Toepillar is truly gross: its genome engineer combined pig fetal cells with DNA from fat green hornworm caterpillars to make a hairless warm-blooded monstrosity that grows up to 4 feet in length. The animal has an odor like sharp cheese that emanates from waxy patches on each foot. These cheesy patches resemble large toenails. That’s why the creature is sometimes called the “Toecheese Worm.”
Who originally created this unlicensed GMO remains a mystery, but snack food fans are eternally grateful. Thanks to the Toepiller’s waxy secretions, the corn-chip industry has found a low-cost source of artificial nacho cheese flavoring that has cut the price of horrible breath in half. Continue reading “The Pungent Toepillar Trading Card”
The Lurking Snurk
The Lurking Snurk are the weirdest thing ever: space tourists from a gaseous planet who came to the earth to smell our farts.
With their arrival, some of our butts became the equivalent of a famous gourmet restaurant with a waiting list, but there were so many of the tiny Snurk on Earth that everyone’s butt got snurked from time to time, even the people with substandard farts.
“Snurk!” is the loud honking sound they make when they suddenly inhale and go spherical right next to a farting person’s butt. From this sound comes their human name. The Snurk refer to themselves as “Gary” or “the Gary” or sometimes “Garykind.”
Since the arrival of the Snurk, it is no longer possible to sneak one out in silence.
First you have the loud honks, and then the bloated spherical Snurk slowly floats up to the ceiling, like a cartoon bubble of the fart you just let out. Continue reading “The Lurking Snurk Trading Card”
The Baby Unoceros
Of all the mythic beasts sought after by wizards, the Baby Unoceros tops the list, and the reason is simple: Baby Unoceros snot is used in every magic spell imaginable. It’s like the high-fructose corn syrup of magical ingredients.
Want to remove a wart? You will need six frog scrotums and some Baby Unoceros snot.
Want your boss to start growing hair on his palms? The lips of a flatulent porcupine and Baby Unoceros snot.
Want Donald Trump to fall down the steps of Air Force One and break his fool’s neck before he can destroy more institutions and lives? The queef of a mermaid, three fairy farts, and more Baby Unoceros snot. Continue reading “The Baby Unoceros Trading Card”
The Infamous Tricerapoodle
The Infamous Tricerapoodle inhabited France during the Cretaceous Period. Supposedly.
Let’s just say that not everyone accepted Dr. LeFloop and his questionable fossils, some of which were clearly made from paper mache and plaster while others were parts of marble sculptures of varying degree of antiquity.
Nevertheless, the debate in France over the authenticity of the “fossils” raged for decades, fueled by chauvinistic nationalism and attachment to the poodle as a symbol.
Of all the many fist fights between members of France’s prestigious Academy, the only one to involve more than 12 persons was the melee that occurred during the debate over the Infamous Tricerapoodle.
That brawl might not have been the first fight on the floor of the assembly in which folding metal chairs were used as weapons, but it was the first to be televised. Continue reading “The Infamous Tricerapoodle Trading Card”
The Frinkled Gundersplat
The Frinkled Gundersplat is the cornerstone of Lithuanian cuisine, and they add the tiny fish to everything they eat and drink. You can’t even order a glass of orange juice in Vilnius without it containing something from a Gundersplat, either dried fish meal or its tiny iridescent scales (frinkle) or maybe even its head as a garnish.
Needless to say, traditional Lithuanian dishes such as microwavable pizza rolls and frozen pot pies are loaded with it. Continue reading “The Frinkled Gundersplat Trading Card”
The Ferocious Veenertoof
The Ferocious Veenertoof or Saber-toothed Wiener Dog was the apex predator of the Pleistocene epoch. It fed on ice-age megafauna such as woolly mammoths, dire wolves, mastodons, cave bears, and even our own Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon ancestors.
Though small in size, the Veenertoof hunted in packs of several hundred animals that functioned like highly-efficient killing machines. Even a full-grown male mammoth could be dragged to the ground and stripped to the bone by a pack of Veenertoof, and done so within a matter of minutes not hours.
A famous Cro-Magnon mural in the Lascaux Caves in France depicts such a scene in grizzly detail.
In the foreground, a large mammoth runs in terror with at least 132 Veenertoof hanging from its hide like ticks while the rest of the pack tears at it from behind. A stain of red ocher trails the animals on the ground.
Nearby are the bloody bones of other recent victims. To the right, there are other packs of Veenertoof chasing smaller animals in the distance. To the left, a porcupine is molesting a gopher, but both animals appear to be staring at the carnage, frozen in their act of copulation. Continue reading “The Ferocious Veenertoof Trading Card”
The Gentle Runx
The Gentle Runx is what passes for a cow on the home world of the Blarp, who are the species that colonized the Earth in 2069, during what was later called the summer of interspecies love.
By the time the Blarp discovered and colonized the Earth, humans were so tattooed, pierced, modified, and otherwise bizarre in appearance that there was actual sexual attraction between humans and the Blarp and the Blarp’s various farm animals, particularly the Runx.
In Blarp poetry, the Runx is celebrated for its supposed gentleness and desirability as a sexual partner, but it should be noted that most Blarp love poems end with the Runx either decapitating or disemboweling its ardent suitor. Continue reading “The Gentle Runx Trading Card”
The Loathsome Needlebutt
The Loathsome Needlebutt (or Ouchtoe as it is sometimes called) was the first thing Captain Cook stepped on in the year 1770 when he made landfall in Australia and discovered that the little fucker’s barb was capable of sticking through boot leather.
Like nearly every other animal in Australia, the Needlebutt has a powerful venom and no shortage of drunks ready to stumble upon it.
Needlebutt venom is hallucinogenic and extremely unpleasant. It effects have been described by many as making your body feel like it were melting into vomit, possibly because vomiting is what the victims spend most of their time doing.
Others say it is like being sauteed in rancid garbage or smelling every gross smell you had ever smelled all at once. That is why Needlebutt venom is used in micro doses to desensitize international tourists before traveling to the French Quarter in New Orleans during the summer months. Continue reading “The Loathsome Needlebutt Trading Card”
The Flarpish Tringleblerp
The Flarpish Tringleblerp were the smallest, most teeniest of all the Irish fairies. They crapped in people’s shoes at night and used their credit cards to buy stuff online. That was how they got even with mortals who failed to show them proper respect or sometimes just to be a dick.
Although the Tringleblerp were vanishingly small (or flarpish), they were the power shitters of the fairy kingdom, capable of laying atrocious gorilla turds in people’s boots and wooden clogs if they got pissed at them.
That is why the priests of Ireland encouraged their congregations to hide their shoes in the microwave or refrigerator at night, and that is why leftover cabbage smells so bad the next day. Continue reading “The Flarpish Tringleblerp Trading Card”