The Shithead Gnat Trading Card

The Shithead Gnat

The Shithead Gnat or Little Flying Mutha Fuckas are tiny gnats that feel like fire ants covered in cayenne pepper when they crash into your eyeball, which is what they are known for.

First you slap your eye hard enough to see stars. Then you rub the damn thing around trying to get it out of your eye and mash it all to pieces, making it so much worse. Every last piece of a Shithead Gnat burns like pure cayenne pepper, every last drop of bodily fluid, every last fragment of antenna, leg, etc., and so your eye runs with tears like a faucet for the next quarter hour or so. Continue reading “The Shithead Gnat Trading Card”

Everything You Ever Needed To Know About Equality and Progress

Everything you ever needed to know about equality and progress can be learned from Millennials:

  • Anyone who disagrees with you is only being racist or sexist.
  • Seek to explain every daily conflict in those terms.
  • Win arguments no matter how flimsy the connection by appealing to your listener’s fear of being branded a racist or sexist for not agreeing with you.
  • Always brand dissenters as racist or sexist. There is only one correct way of thinking about any issue, no matter how complex.
  • Race or gender is always the most important factor in determining who was the aggressor and who was the victim in any particular conflict.
  • People never behave differently from gender or racial stereotypes. White people are greedy and mean. Black people are lazy and stupid. Men are always the aggressor and never the victim. Thankfully, most of that has been replaced by the simple principle that a member of an oppressed minority is always right in any argument once that oppressed status has been invoked.
  • The most important aspect of your identity is your status as a victim.
  • No matter how irresponsible or inconsiderate you are or what problems you create, it’s not your fault.
  • Being an asshole is a highly effective way of campaigning for social justice and progress.
  • Sociopaths are always white males. Or black males. Or homosexuals. Or whatever group of people you were taught to hate or have had bad experiences with.
  • All the brown peoples of the world never knew violence or oppression before white European colonialists. All those thousands of years of empire and conflict in the archaeological record never happened. People didn’t have genocidal wars before white Europeans overwhelmed them. Of course they had teleportation and all kinds of advanced mental shit, but they didn’t have wars and violence and oppression.
  • If it weren’t for white people, we would live in an enlightened state of grace. Or black people. Or some group of people.

The Polyceraphant Trading Card

The Polyceraphant

The Polyceraphant or Ouchneck’d Snuffeldy-Pig is living proof that triceratops and elephant DNA should never be combined. Blame the Martsanto Corporation for this one.

Actually, the lion’s share of the blame falls squarely on Martsanto intern Bob “the Blerf” Blerfman.

If the Blerf hadn’t faked the autoclave reports so many times because he was always in the restroom jerking off that summer, then there wouldn’t have been the prolonged period of cross contamination in laboratory glassware, which was exactly what was needed for autochimerization to occur. Continue reading “The Polyceraphant Trading Card”

The Gruffle Snort Trading Card

The Gruffle Snort

The Gruffle Snort (or Snortled Grunt) makes conspicuously loud smacking and slurping sounds while riding public transportation in order to attract a mate.

This display of gross eating noises is what biologist E.O. Wilson called “Conspicuous Assholism,” and it is what both sexes of Gruffle Snort find attractive in a reproductive partner. Continue reading “The Gruffle Snort Trading Card”

Why Mansplaining Is A Great Term

Mansplaining is a great term to use because:

  • no woman is ever overbearing or condescending or domineering in her speech, especially toward her spouse.
  • our speech should always include some word that belittles a gender, race, or identity.
  • the word gives great insight into how people who describe themselves as open-minded and progressive actually are.
  • it is used by those who automatically expect agreement and sympathy when they say a word offends them, and so by using it yourself, you automatically gain the right to scream at people how much the word offends you.
  • no true progress can be made in gender equality if we fail to adhere to the tried-and-true practice of sexual stereotypes.

Uncle Joe’s Curse On The Heads Of American Youth

Currently there is something in particular that you really dislike about how people are talking in youth-sploitation movies or Youtube gaming channels or reality television or somewhere else in commercial media with a lot of hype and marketing going on.

Maybe it’s diction, maybe it’s intonation of some type, maybe both, maybe something else. Whatever it is, it is something you find annoying in itself but also annoying because it is frequently imitated by people who spend most of their free time watching trash media of some type. Continue reading “Uncle Joe’s Curse On The Heads Of American Youth”

The Butt-Based Bundlechump Trading Card

The Butt-Based Bundlechump

The Butt-Based Bundlechump lives in its own sphincter and looks like a pink rolled-up condom only slightly smaller.

The Bundlechump keeps up with the news and can tell you why Hilary Clinton was the most evil politician that ever lived, worse than Hitler or Stalin. The Bundlechump has detailed information and theories about all sorts of news events, all derived from highly partisan sources, sources more actively concerned with manufacturing a world view than reporting information.

For that reason, the Bundlechump views any inconvenient piece of information as a lie, including basic facts from an authoritative textbook or encyclopedia. On the other hand, any claim made by the right-wing corporate media is gospel. Clean Coal is as real as Jesus. The Chinese made up Climate Change. Continue reading “The Butt-Based Bundlechump Trading Card”