The Gruffle Snort
The Gruffle Snort (or Snortled Grunt) makes conspicuously loud smacking and slurping sounds while riding public transportation in order to attract a mate.
This display of gross eating noises is what biologist E.O. Wilson called “Conspicuous Assholism,” and it is what both sexes of Gruffle Snort find attractive in a reproductive partner.
To be successful, the display must be executed with gusto, in a way that says, “Fuck everybody else. I want to be as gross and annoying as possible.”
The Gruffle Snort conveys the necessary contempt for the world through glares and snorts and by showering its immediate area with food and trash. If food is not available, the Gruffle Snort will resort to long shouting matches on its cell phone, making generous use of insults and profanity.
The creature’s mating ritual is quite complex. Scientists aren’t sure why, but it involves wiping copious amounts of mayonnaise and mustard on handrails and windows and seat cushions where spawning will take place. While all this smearing of condiments is going on, the prospective couple casually use their feet to push together a nest of fast-food wrappers and cups on the floor between their seats. If mating is successful, the female will lay her eggs on this pile of trash while the male belches or farts loudly in triumph.
Any train car you step into on a day when you are already disgusted with how many assholes there are in the world.