Month: October 2016

The Nerktated Wumpguzzle

The Nerktated Wumpguzzle appears to be an innocent sea creature at first glance, but everything about it is off color. Stop reading now.

The ancient Greeks referred to the Wumpguzzle’s “nerktated” or ribbed shells as “tongues of Zeus.” Young brides in ancient Greece collected empty Wumpguzzle shells and kept them for use when husbands were away at war. In The Odyssey, Homer says that Odysseus’s wife Penelope “wore out four score and ten | before she felt the D again.” Continue reading “The Nerktated Wumpguzzle Trading Card”

The Festering Erpaflerp

Unlike many modern plagues, the Festering Erpaflerp was not produced by genetic engineering, although there is a small yet devoted body of conspiracy theorists who would dispute that claim.

Most scientists think that the Erpaflerp evolved naturally from snot and vomit on the floor of the New York City subway system. Others point to the creature’s smell as evidence that the Erpaflerp had to have originated in the juices at the bottom of a dumpster. And not just any dumpster. A dumpster in July. When the garbage men were out on strike. And all the rats died from eating poison and got all bloated and maggoty. And then the heat killed all the maggots, and they rotted too. Continue reading “The Festering Erpaflerp Trading Card”

The Merican Buttalope

Normalize morbid obesity now! I would rather my children have a lifetime of compromised health than ever have a teacher or coach reprimand my child for overeating and sitting around constantly. There is nothing worse than childhood shame, no not even the inevitable consequences of obesity, not diabetes, not herniated disks, not cancer, not a lifetime of missed opportunities, nothing. And do you know why? When you make my child uncomfortable, you are also calling me out on my shit parenting, and that is unacceptable.

Celia Witherspoon-Smith, President and founder, Normalize Morbid Obesity Now.

The Merican Buttalope was genetically engineered to control rat populations by eating all the scraps of fast food littering roadways and public spaces, but it turned out to be an environmental policy disaster for the US.

For starters, rats are much quicker than Buttalope and can always get to scattered food waste first, and so the Buttalope barely dented rat populations except right at overflowing trash cans. On top of that, the Buttalope required all sorts of expensive maintenance and care. Their constant overeating of unhealthy crap food created all sorts of unexpected health problems and disabilities.

The Buttalope ate so much that eventually their backsides grew so huge that counterweights had to be installed to prevent the creatures from rolling over backward, and there was intense debate in Congress over what a sustainable long-term solution would be. Continue reading “The Merican Buttalope Trading Card”

The Collapsosaurus Wrecks

Collapsosaurus Wrecks is a therapod dinosaur no larger than a guinea pig, but this small creature caused the end of civilization in a literal sense, at least the end of permanent architecture and cities as they had existed for thousands of years.

The Collapsosaurus burrows through solid granite at an average rate of 9 meters per day, turning otherwise stable bedrock into useless rubble that cannot be built upon safely. That is why all twenty-second-century architecture is mobile homes mounted on skids, and skyscrapers and city skylines are as legendary as the lost continent of Atlantis. Continue reading “The Collapsosaurus Wrecks Trading Card”

The Krankled Snojdottle

Attracted by screams of terror, the Krankled Snojdottle is the most aggressive stinging insect known to science. The Snojdottle nests exclusively in summer camp cabins, amusement park trash cans, and the awnings of roadside picnic areas.

Scientists tell us that the stress hormones released in the sweat of terrified humans are similar in chemical structure to the Snojdottle’s reproductive pheromones, specifically the ones produced by males when in death battles with each other over a female. That means a Snojdottle doesn’t just look like it is trying to have sex with your forehead when it stings it 14 times. It really is trying to have sex with your forehead. Continue reading “The Krankled Snojdottle Trading Card”

The Grunkled Krinkbiffle

The Grunkled Krinkbiffle eats floating plastic garbage on the surface of the world’s oceans and excretes this waste as a continuous string of bio-luminescent neon-green feces, which it uses to write curse words in script letters. The problem is that the Krinkbiffle’s glowing curse words wash up on beaches and offend Republicans, and that is why they want the creature exterminated.

Since the Krinkbiffle was genetically engineered to save the oceans from choking to death on our garbage, there are some who say that the creature’s vital ecological function is more important than whether or not its poop words are offensive, but all of these people are godless America-hating liberals. Continue reading “The Grunkled Krinkbiffle Trading Card”

The Bristlebacked Bunglesnug

The Bristlebacked Bunglesnug’s tufts were once used to make brushes for shoe polish, and this adorable creature was almost hunted to extinction because of it. Thankfully Queen Victoria made a patriotic appeal to save the Bunglesnug, and Britons began polishing their shoes with little fluffy kittens. Live of course, and reusable. (London’s dingy gray exteriors were once incorrectly blamed on soot from coal fires, but now we know that a least 80% of the patina of the Victorian era came from all the cats rubbing on everything and spreading shoe polish all over the place.) Continue reading “The Bristlebacked Bunglesnug Trading Card”

The Hollodius Vermunkle

The Hollodius Vermunkle is a flatulentophilic worm filled with imaginary wisdom and the need to educate people about how insensitive they are. The Vermukle is highly judgmental and must explain how any passing reference to race or ethnicity is condescending and malicious. Specimens have been known to rupture themselves if restrained from delivering their monologues of wisdom, particularly if the reference to race or ethnicity was humorous in nature. Continue reading “The Hollodius Vermunkle Trading Card”

The Skratcheldy Skrizdizard

The Skratcheldy Skrizdizard is sometimes called the razor toe or the ouch lizard or the oh-god-it-jumps-lookout. Herpetologists claim that it is impossible to handle the Skrizdizard without pricking your fingers multiple times and recommend wearing steel-mesh cutting gloves such as used by butchers.

Every year, hundreds of men (and even a few women, sad to say) try to hold a Skrizdizard for a full two minutes without getting punctured as part of The Macho Dumb Ass of The Year competition. The TMDAY (pronounced “Tam Day”) competition has been held in the town of Dead Neighbor, Texas every year since 1897, but so far the herpetologists’ claim stands, and every contestant has walked away with bleeding hands and a splitting headache. Continue reading “The Skratcheldy Skrizdizard Trading Card”