The Merican Buttalope
Normalize morbid obesity now! I would rather my children have a lifetime of compromised health than ever have a teacher or coach reprimand my child for overeating and sitting around constantly. There is nothing worse than childhood shame, no not even the inevitable consequences of obesity, not diabetes, not herniated disks, not cancer, not a lifetime of missed opportunities, nothing. And do you know why? When you make my child uncomfortable, you are also calling me out on my shit parenting, and that is unacceptable.
Celia Witherspoon-Smith, President and founder, Normalize Morbid Obesity Now.
The Merican Buttalope was genetically engineered to control rat populations by eating all the scraps of fast food littering roadways and public spaces, but it turned out to be an environmental policy disaster for the US.
For starters, rats are much quicker than Buttalope and can always get to scattered food waste first, and so the Buttalope barely dented rat populations except right at overflowing trash cans. On top of that, the Buttalope required all sorts of expensive maintenance and care. Their constant overeating of unhealthy crap food created all sorts of unexpected health problems and disabilities.
The Buttalope ate so much that eventually their backsides grew so huge that counterweights had to be installed to prevent the creatures from rolling over backward, and there was intense debate in Congress over what a sustainable long-term solution would be. Continue reading “The Merican Buttalope Trading Card”