The Blumptated Snifftoblarf Trading Card

The Blumptated Snifftoblarf

The Blumptated Snifftoblarf

The Blumptated Snifftoblarf is the result of a failed effort to produce cheaper bacon via genetic engineering. Part pig, part hyena, part ichthyosaur, the Snifftoblarf is virtually free of body fat and has flesh that reeks like the rotting garbage it was designed to eat.

The Snifftoblarf’s odor has been compared to halitosis, putrefaction, and skater kids. Consequently, the creature was quickly ruled out for use as food, but it is still with us today thanks to movies that featured it as an ugly pet or mutant predator.

James Cameron’s spectacular flop “That Ugly Ass Dog” starring Kevin James comes to mind, but there were also several teensploitation horror flicks, most notably “It Only Eats Wet Panties” (the original, not that piece of crap remake with Shia Labeouf as the sheriff).

The Snifftoblarf is very affectionate and is known to bond with humans for life, but there are some serious drawbacks to keeping one as a pet. If not regularly expressed, the Snifftoblarf’s sweat glands swell to form large “blumps” that are prone to rupture. Anything squirted by a rupturing blump can never be fully clean again and will always retain a lingering odor that is capable of inducing the dry heaves.

Fun Fact:

Other than the manatee, the Snifftoblarf is the only animal that can do calculus, but manatees take forever to solve a problem, and so you are better off working it out yourself. Also, manatees don’t do well in a dorm room environment, while the Snifftoblarf fits right in: plenty of garbage to eat, and you barely notice its smell over what is already there.


The dumpsters behind frat houses, the basements of college dormitories, active landfills.

More Improbable Creatures:

This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.