“Pray for Bigfoot. Don’t let him explode like Jesus.”
That’s the central belief of New and Improved Mormonism.
You have to understand that New and Improved Mormons (NIMs) are just like other Christians in that they believe in Jesus Christ as the divine son of God and the savior of all mankind and that he was resurrected and all that.
The difference is that NIMs also believe that the sins of the world became so great that Jesus exploded from the overload, and Bigfoot had to take over. They call that tragic event the Divine Sasquatchination and believe that it happened around the time of Donald Trump’s third medical deferment from military service during the Viet Nam war.
Continue reading “New and Improved Mormonism”
Krudbucket from Semeny Street
“Hi kids! My name is Krudbucket. Who wants to see a dead rat?”
Krudbucket lives in a trash can on Semeny Street. He teaches children about the importance of cities and how they are changing for the better to make even more money for the ultra rich. Krudbucket’s song about tax breaks for pro-sports stadiums is just downright heartwarming, and the kids love it.
Krudbucket also spreads drug-resistant TB and hepatitis throughout public places. It’s his way of giving back to the community, which spends over half a million dollars annually to cover all the time he spends in the emergency room, jails, and other facilities devoted to deeply troubled people who will never be capable of working a job or paying rent.
For this amount of money, twenty working families could be subsidized sufficiently to live in the city, but they moved away years ago. Of course, nobody mourns their loss on Semeny Street or the influx of street addicts because that would be ableist and insensitive and judgmental and all that.
Krudbucket doesn’t take his meds consistently and sometimes spends whole days and nights on end screaming at invisible demons. It’s all part of the sense of community that makes Semeny Street a special place for children to learn about our world.
The Triptillated Hallucinochigger
People are aware of the horrible diseases that they can catch from mites and ticks, but have they ever thought about all the chemicals and crap that these poor arachnids are exposed to by feeding on humans?
Most people encounter the tiny mites called chiggers while camping out at hippy-shake music festivals in the summertime. Considering how much acid, molly, shrooms, and really good THC people have in their bloodstreams at these events, it’s only natural that parasites would have to adapt to these chemicals in order to survive on the humans they encountered.
And that is why evolution produced creatures like the Freak-Out Mosquito and the Triptillated Hallucinochigger. Continue reading “The Triptillated Hallucinochigger Trading Card”
The Flarbis Malarbis
The Flarbis Malarbis is the most interesting of all the brain parasites that infest Newt Gingrich’s skull. It eats the part of the brain that normally prevents a person from behaving like a complete sociopath. Its excrement contains hormones that prevents the host from feeling shame, remorse, guilt, and other humanizing emotions.
Scientists estimate that Newt Gingrich has at least two pounds of Malarbis feces in his skull based on his behavior and how easily he can lie and misrepresent. Continue reading “The Flarbis Malarbis Trading Card”
The Sticky-Pawed Mumapikmeup
The Sticky-Pawed Mumapikmeup is the unholy creature that switches places with human toddlers in grocery stores. Their paws are coated with a mixture of snot, nacho-cheese-chip flavoring, sugary food residues, condiments, and grease. And filth. Don’t forget filth.
Scientist tell us that the purpose of the stickiness is to collect filth, and that is why the Mumapikmeup is physically incapable of passing by things like ashtrays, piles of floor sweepings, and other sources of random filth without sticking in their paws, which are sooner or later put into the mouth. Scientist estimate that the average Mumapikmeup ingests over 1.2 pounds of random filth daily. Continue reading “The Sticky-Pawed Mumapikmeup Trading Card”
The Offensive SnuggaWugga
The Offensive SnuggaWugga is a living example of the importance of timing in scientific research. It was created by extra-terrestrial anthropologists to study the roller-disco subculture in Southern California in the 1970s.
The problem is that the anthropologists came from a planet called Blarf where the pace of life itself was glacially slow, and they deployed the SnuggaWugga in 2018 without even bothering to check and see if conditions had changed, never imagining that they possibly could have in such a short blink of an eye. Continue reading “The Offensive SnuggaWugga Trading Card”
The Anxtipated Humptaglump
Of all the abominations created by mixing naked-mole-rat DNA with the human genome, the Anxtipated Humptaglump is probably the worst, and not merely because of its annoying habit of defecating on pets and small children. No, the worst thing about the Humptaglump is its personality.
The Humptaglump is simultaneously worried by every last little detail that could possibly go wrong while at the same time overwhelmed by the pointlessness of everything. (Essentially, it has the same outlook as any stressed-out engineer working in a cubicle anywhere.) Continue reading “The Anxtipated Humptaglump Trading Card”
The Surveillance Bunny
By the time of the Great Solar Event of 2043, humans were psychologically dependent on constant electronic surveillance.
In 2043, the only part of a person’s life that really mattered to them was the part that was shared with digital video and available to a global audience.
If a networked camera didn’t capture and upload an event, it didn’t happen, at least not in a way that was vital to the post-human psyche.
Consequently, people experienced extreme psychological distress when electronic surveillance was temporarily interrupted by technical difficulties, and they could not function during emergencies, and so natural disasters claimed many more lives than in previous generations.
In response, healthcare professionals encouraged people to think of their pets as the eyes of the world watching everything they said and did, figuring that irrational delusions were OK if that is what it took for people to function during natural disasters when surveillance was not available.
In this role, the concept of emotional support animals experienced a renaissance. Cat and dog people argued which animal was the best watcher, and both groups made fun of people who had to rely on things like gerbils and newts. New creatures were also made for this market.
The Surveillance Bunny was genetically engineered to have one large staring eye and was marketed as a dual-purpose emergency supply on doomsday prepper websites, but not many of them were sold.
The ads for the Surveillance Bunny were terrible and probably account for the poor sales. The tagline was: How is your family going to survive the zombie apocalypse without “the meat that watches you?” Continue reading “The Surveillance Bunny Trading Card”
The Blerping Snert is an unlicensed GMO of unknown origin and serves no known purpose. It is odd in several ways.
The creatures eats bars of soap and will eat as many as you give it, to the point that it will actually fart soap bubbles.
It lays its eggs exclusively in miniature golf courses. Continue reading “The Blerping Snert Trading Card”
The Grandpa Spider
The Grandpa Spider is a talking spider that was genetically engineered to remind younger adults why they need to register and vote in every election.
The Grandpa Spider starts every sentence with something like, “I’m not a racist, but…” and ends every sermon with something like, “But you have to agree that we have to do something about all these foreigners.” Continue reading “The Grandpa Spider Trading Card”