The Martian Honkasquonk Trading Card

The Martian Honkasquonk

The Martian Honkasquonk is a cautionary tale about space exploration and alien biohazards.

Bring back soil samples, they said. We can learn a lot, they said. One of the things we learned is that just because Earth life doesn’t have silicone-based spores that can lie dormant for hundreds of millions of years, doesn’t mean that Martian life can’t have them.

The other thing we learned is that the Honkasquonk spawns by the billions and that its wind-blown spores are smaller than a dust particle.

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The Catattled Taintersquat Trading Card

The Catattled Taintersquat

Of all the strange creatures that inhabit the deserts of eastern Canada, the Catattled Taintersquat is the most feared, and for good reason. Using its razor beak, the Taintersquat can strip the carcass of a dead elephant down to the bone in less than half an hour, and if particularly hungry, crush the bones to get at the fatty marrow.

That is probably why the Taintersquat isn’t recommended for use as a house pet or emotional security animal. But it could also be the fact that the Taintersquat grows to the size of the a city bus and is hard on carpets, drapes, and structural foundations.

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The Disembowelosaurus Trading Card

The Disembowelosaurus

The Fwuffy Wuvkins / Disembowelosaurus was the worst reboot of the Easter Bunny ever, probably the worst reboot of any franchised holiday character in any medium, and not just designer animals. I’m including Ghetto Claus and the Meth Fairy and all the racist stupid shit on TV.

The Fwuffy Wuvkins / Disembowelosaurus was one of those ill-conceived chimeric hybrids that nearly bankrupt the company that develops them. It was the first creature to be described with the phrase “made by a genetic compiler but designed by a committee.”

Basically what happened is that the market analysis group at Genetifunk Get Down GmBH identified two different “it” ideas for the 2059 season, but there was budget for one concept only, and so the miniature Velociraptor Jurassic Park rip-off had to be merged with the Easter Bunny reboot.

It was easy to see why a snuggle pet launched as a holiday animal was thought to have potential.

The previous year, the Leprechaun Monkey had been the “it” creature, and blockbuster sales for its Saint Patrick’s Day release were followed by steady demand, thanks to drunken Irish stereotypes and all the viral Youtube videos of Leprechaun Monkeys throwing turds in people’s beers.

The year before that had been the Valentine’s Day Pet Hearts, which sold well in spite of being creepy and gross because they tasted good when roasted on a skewer. And before that had been the Pumpkin Spice Beetle and all the freaks that like to bathe in pumpkin spice.

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The Deadly Kinchadoo Trading Card

The Deadly Kinchadoo

The Deadly Kinchadoo or Biting Snail isn’t actually a snail, or a kinchadoo, whatever the fuck that is. It’s more of a frog-moose hybrid, with just enough snail genome spliced in to provide the shell and extra mucous.

The Kinchadoo is venomous, but it has no fangs. The venom is in the creature’s saliva, and it must latch onto victims and chew to administer enough to have an effect on an animal of any size. Consequently, human fatalities are quite rare and usually involve someone passing out drunk on the lawn.

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The Speckled Sea Anus Trading Card

The Speckled Sea Anus

The Speckled Sea Anus (Dow-Dupont’s Sea Sphincter ™ ) is the most important organism ever created by genetic engineering for the purposes of marine bioremediation. It eats floating plastic and shits diamonds.

The Speckled Sea Anus is free swimming thanks to its tentacles and flipper doo dads, but its body is essentially one big muscular stomach like a sea anemone.

The Sea Anus doesn’t have a digestive tract with a separate entrance and exit. Instead, it ejects waste through the same sphincter-like mouth that it uses to swallow its food, just like anemones and corals and tiny hydras do.

The basic genome of Sea Anus’s stomach/body was derived from these creatures, but the digestive chemistry that goes on inside it is all Dow-Dupont, or mostly Dow-Dupont.

There’s actually Exxon-Mobile, Facebook-Fox News, Disney-Netflix, and a few other patent holders involved before you get to a diamond, but the initial breakdown of the plastic is all Dow-Dupont.

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The Krunkled Wompus Trading Card

The Krunkled Wompus

The Krunkled Wompus is one of the many types of hell beasts that wait to feast on the souls of the damned. It uses the stinger on the end of its tail to stab victims in the eye socket and pump their skull full of corrosive venom. Then it bites off their face and sodomizes what is left of the corpse before eating that as well.

The Wompus was introduced by Satan to help cope with the overflow in hell following the 2016 US Presidential election.

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The Skittering Skadoodle Trading Card

The Skittering Skadoodle

The Skittering Skadoodle is the smallest of the moose-sandpiper hybrids. It’s about the size of a sparrow. It nests on the ground in large colonies of several million, where it skitters around underfoot, screaming its head off every time anything passes near its eggs.

The Skadoodle is best known for having won America’s Funniest Genetic Compiler Accident’s fifth season. That was the season when the piranha monkeys got disqualified because of all the lawsuits, and everybody got pissed off, and so the Republicans in Congress passed the “Freedom to Entertain” Act.

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The Inexplicachicken Trading Card

The Inexplicachicken

Of all the hallucinoids that were ever created using psychoactive substances and a genertic compiler, the Inexplicachicken is perhaps the most terrifying.

Sometimes called McGillicuddy’s Dreamstalker, the Inexplicachicken exudes psychic waves of intense dread and disorientation. Victims describe a sense of being completely lost and unable to remember anything, plus the terror of being unable to look away from the creature’s unblinking eye.

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The Stinktoe Tisperwhisp Trading Card

The Stinktoe Tisperwhisp

The Stinktoe Tisperwhisp is technically more of a jimbiffle than a true tisperwhisp, but only assholes argue over shit like that, to quote Saint Augustus.

The more important fact about the Stinktoe is that it likes to walk through cat shit or dog shit before it walks on newly-waxed automobiles and freshly-painted surfaces. Even though the tiny Stinktoe has hooves, the sticky fecal residue on them enables the creature to walk straight up walls and onto ceilings like a gecko.

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The Fleefle Sneef Trading Card

The Fleefle Sneef

The Fleefle Sneef is yet another tiny fairie creature from Irish folklore. The Fleefle Sneef’s bite was said to cause earaches, but the creature usually went for the earlobes and was repelled by the color blue. That is why people in Ireland still paint their ears blue on the eve of Saint Commacho’s Day. Look it up.

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