The Elusive Escaloot Trading Card

The Elusive Escaloot is the most difficult to control of all the “stink weasel” snail hybrids because it is a master of staying hidden. As naturalist Sir David Attenborough said, “You can always smell em, but you can never spot the little motherfuckers.”

That is why Escaloot are the only animal Sir David hunts using a combination of flame throwers and napalm air strikes.

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The Odious Insufferabull Trading Card

The Odious Insufferabull

The Odious Insufferabull is the moral authority and expert on everything by virtue of being transgender. And for many other reasons they can tell you about.

In fact, the Insufferabull is filled with an imaginary wisdom that knows no bounds.

Although the Insufferabull has never paid a mortgage or worked a job longer than a month, this creature can mansplain for hours on politics and economic theory, and that is just the start.

The Insufferabull has definitive opinions on everything, including books they have never read and movies they have never watched.

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The Popsquinted Maloptachunk Trading Card

The Popsquinted Maloptachunk

The Popsquinted Maloptachunk were a type of monkey raised for the royal courts of central Europe during the late middle ages. These monkeys were used by an officer of the court whose title was Der Popsquinted Maloptachunk (PM Rex), who carried the monkey with him everywhere on a golden leash. The office of PM Rex consolidated two previous offices: the Court Jester and the King’s Speaker.

When the PM Rex addressed the people in the name of the king, his Popsquinted Maloptachunk monkey would scream hysterically and throw feces at the crowds if they questioned any point, no matter how brazen the lie.

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The Triptillated Hallucinochigger Trading Card

The Triptillated Hallucinochigger

People are aware of the horrible diseases that they can catch from mites and ticks, but have they ever thought about all the chemicals and crap that these poor arachnids are exposed to by feeding on humans?

Most people encounter the tiny mites called chiggers while camping out at hippy-shake music festivals in the summertime. Considering how much acid, molly, shrooms, and really good THC people have in their bloodstreams at these events, it’s only natural that parasites would have to adapt to these chemicals in order to survive on the humans they encountered.

And that is why evolution produced creatures like the Freak-Out Mosquito and the Triptillated Hallucinochigger. Continue reading “The Triptillated Hallucinochigger Trading Card”

The Flarbis Malarbis Trading Card

The Flarbis Malarbis

The Flarbis Malarbis is the most interesting of all the brain parasites that infest Newt Gingrich’s skull. It eats the part of the brain that normally prevents a person from behaving like a complete sociopath. Its excrement contains hormones that prevents the host from feeling shame, remorse, guilt, and other humanizing emotions.

Scientists estimate that Newt Gingrich has at least two pounds of Malarbis feces in his skull based on his behavior and how easily he can lie and misrepresent. Continue reading “The Flarbis Malarbis Trading Card”

The Sticky-Pawed Mumapikmeup Trading Card

The Sticky-Pawed Mumapikmeup

The Sticky-Pawed Mumapikmeup is the unholy creature that switches places with human toddlers in grocery stores. Their paws are coated with a mixture of snot, nacho-cheese-chip flavoring, sugary food residues,  condiments, and grease. And filth. Don’t forget filth.

Scientist tell us that the purpose of the stickiness is to collect filth, and that is why the Mumapikmeup is physically incapable of passing by things like ashtrays, piles of floor sweepings, and other sources of random filth without sticking in their paws, which are sooner or later put into the mouth. Scientist estimate that the average Mumapikmeup ingests over 1.2 pounds of random filth daily. Continue reading “The Sticky-Pawed Mumapikmeup Trading Card”

The Offensive SnuggaWugga Trading Card

The Offensive SnuggaWugga

The Offensive SnuggaWugga is a living example of the importance of timing in scientific research. It was created by extra-terrestrial anthropologists to study the roller-disco subculture in Southern California in the 1970s.

The problem is that the anthropologists came from a planet called Blarf where the pace of life itself was glacially slow, and they deployed the SnuggaWugga in 2018 without even bothering to check and see if conditions had changed, never imagining that they possibly could have in such a short blink of an eye. Continue reading “The Offensive SnuggaWugga Trading Card”

The Anxtipated Humptaglump Trading Card

The Anxtipated Humptaglump

Of all the abominations created by mixing naked-mole-rat DNA with the human genome, the Anxtipated Humptaglump is probably the worst, and not merely because of its annoying habit of defecating on pets and small children. No, the worst thing about the Humptaglump is its personality.

The Humptaglump is simultaneously worried by every last little detail that could possibly go wrong while at the same time overwhelmed by the pointlessness of everything. (Essentially, it has the same outlook as any stressed-out engineer working in a cubicle anywhere.) Continue reading “The Anxtipated Humptaglump Trading Card”

The Surveillance Bunny Trading Card

The Surveillance Bunny

By the time of the Great Solar Event of 2043, humans were psychologically dependent on constant electronic surveillance.

In 2043, the only part of a person’s life that really mattered to them was the part that was shared with digital video and available to a global audience.

If a networked camera didn’t capture and upload an event, it didn’t happen, at least not  in a way that was vital to the post-human psyche.

Consequently, people experienced extreme psychological distress when electronic surveillance was temporarily interrupted by technical difficulties, and they could not function during emergencies, and so natural disasters claimed many more lives than in previous generations.

In response, healthcare professionals encouraged people to think of their pets as the eyes of the world watching everything they said and did, figuring that irrational delusions were OK if that is what it took for people to function during natural disasters when surveillance was not available.

In this role, the concept of emotional support animals experienced a renaissance. Cat and dog people argued which animal was the best watcher, and both groups made fun of people who had to rely on things like gerbils and newts. New creatures were also made for this market.

The Surveillance Bunny was genetically engineered to have one large staring eye and was marketed as a dual-purpose emergency supply on  doomsday prepper websites, but not many of them were sold.

The ads for the Surveillance Bunny were terrible and probably account for the poor sales. The tagline was: How is your family going to survive the zombie apocalypse without “the meat that watches you?” Continue reading “The Surveillance Bunny Trading Card”

The Blerping Snert Trading Card

The Blerping Snert is an unlicensed GMO of unknown origin and serves no known purpose. It is odd in several ways.

The creatures eats bars of soap and will eat as many as you give it, to the point that it will actually fart soap bubbles.

It lays its eggs exclusively in miniature golf courses. Continue reading “The Blerping Snert Trading Card”