The Ringtingled Tootlesnoot Trading Card

The Ringtingled Tootlesnoot

The Ringtingled Tootlesnoot is the number one agricultural pest in all of Latvia but is strangely absent in Sweden, Finland, and the other Baltic republics.

Every summer, the gardens and fields of Latvia are overwhelmed with Tootlesnoot, reaching population densities in excess of several thousand per square meter, but these numbers drop to near zero as you approach the border.

Population densities are highest just outside the genetic engineering facility built by the Soviets in the 1970s about twelve miles south of Riga, but the Russians still insist that it is only coincidence.

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The Koonkled Feenkle-Toe Trading Card

The Koonkled Feenkle-Toe

The ancient Persians believed that being trampled by the Koonkled Feenkle-Toe was a sign that the victim was favored by the gods.

Although the Persians’ sacred texts do not explicitly state why trampling was seen as a sign of favor, it is safe to assume that the reason was mercy.

The Koonkled Feenkle-Toe normally killed its victim with its over-sized stinger by repeatedly stabbing it in the ass until the corpse was unrecognizable.

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The Brainivorous Grookensploot Trading Card

The Brainivorous Grookensploot

The Brainivorous Grookensploot nests exclusively inside the craniums of senile nincompoops. Its shit contains chemicals that make people act like stupid assholes.

Scientists call this family of compounds “magassiums” and speculate that they were evolved by the Grookensploot to prevent its host from behaving rationally and seeking help once infected.

Victims are known for talking about themselves all the time and having zero self awareness. Everything is a boast or a superlative, or very bad, the worst ever. Many sentences are left unfinished, and there speech is all rambling thoughts filled with exaggerations and wild claims.

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The Martian Honkasquonk Trading Card

The Martian Honkasquonk

The Martian Honkasquonk is a cautionary tale about space exploration and alien biohazards.

Bring back soil samples, they said. We can learn a lot, they said.

One of the things we learned is that just because Earth life doesn’t have silicone-based spores that can lie dormant for hundreds of millions of years, doesn’t mean that Martian life can’t have them.

The other thing we learned is that the Honkasquonk spawns by the billions and that its wind-blown spores are smaller than a dust particle.

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The Catattled Taintersquat Trading Card

The Catattled Taintersquat

Of all the strange creatures that inhabit the deserts of eastern Canada, the Catattled Taintersquat is the most feared, and for good reason. Using its razor beak, the Taintersquat can strip the carcass of a dead elephant down to the bone in less than half an hour, and if particularly hungry, crush the bones to get at the fatty marrow.

That is probably why the Taintersquat isn’t recommended for use as a house pet or emotional security animal. But it could also be the fact that the Taintersquat grows to the size of the a city bus and is hard on carpets, drapes, and structural foundations.

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The Disembowelosaurus Trading Card

The Disembowelosaurus

The Fwuffy Wuvkins / Disembowelosaurus was the worst reboot of the Easter Bunny ever, probably the worst reboot of any franchised holiday character in any medium, and not just designer animals. I’m including Ghetto Claus and the Meth Fairy and all the racist stupid shit on TV.

The Fwuffy Wuvkins / Disembowelosaurus was one of those ill-conceived chimeric hybrids that nearly bankrupt the company that develops them. It was the first creature to be described with the phrase “made by a genetic compiler but designed by a committee.”

Basically what happened is that the market analysis group at Genetifunk Get Down GmBH identified two different “it” ideas for the 2059 season, but there was budget for one concept only, and so the miniature Velociraptor Jurassic Park rip-off had to be merged with the Easter Bunny reboot.

It was easy to see why a snuggle pet launched as a holiday animal was thought to have potential.

The previous year, the Leprechaun Monkey had been the “it” creature, and blockbuster sales for its Saint Patrick’s Day release were followed by steady demand, thanks to drunken Irish stereotypes and all the viral Youtube videos of Leprechaun Monkeys throwing turds in people’s beers.

The year before that had been the Valentine’s Day Pet Hearts, which sold well in spite of being creepy and gross because they tasted good when roasted on a skewer. And before that had been the Pumpkin Spice Beetle and all the freaks that like to bathe in pumpkin spice.

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The Deadly Kinchadoo Trading Card

The Deadly Kinchadoo

The Deadly Kinchadoo or Biting Snail isn’t actually a snail, or a kinchadoo, whatever the fuck that is. It’s more of a frog-moose hybrid, with just enough snail genome spliced in to provide the shell and extra mucous.

The Kinchadoo is venomous, but it has no fangs. The venom is in the creature’s saliva, and it must latch onto victims and chew to administer enough to have an effect on an animal of any size. Consequently, human fatalities are quite rare and usually involve someone passing out drunk on the lawn.

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The Speckled Sea Anus Trading Card

The Speckled Sea Anus

The Speckled Sea Anus (Dow-Dupont’s Sea Sphincter ™ ) is the most important organism ever created by genetic engineering for the purposes of marine bioremediation. It eats floating plastic and shits diamonds.

The Speckled Sea Anus is free swimming thanks to its tentacles and flipper doo dads, but its body is essentially one big muscular stomach like a sea anemone.

The Sea Anus doesn’t have a digestive tract with a separate entrance and exit. Instead, it ejects waste through the same sphincter-like mouth that it uses to swallow its food, just like anemones and corals and tiny hydras do.

The basic genome of Sea Anus’s stomach/body was derived from these creatures, but the digestive chemistry that goes on inside it is all Dow-Dupont, or mostly Dow-Dupont.

There’s actually Exxon-Mobile, Facebook-Fox News, Disney-Netflix, and a few other patent holders involved before you get to a diamond, but the initial breakdown of the plastic is all Dow-Dupont.

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The Krunkled Wompus Trading Card

The Krunkled Wompus

The Krunkled Wompus is one of the many types of hell beasts that wait to feast on the souls of the damned. It uses the stinger on the end of its tail to stab victims in the eye socket and pump their skull full of corrosive venom. Then it bites off their face and sodomizes what is left of the corpse before eating that as well.

The Wompus was introduced by Satan to help cope with the overflow in hell following the 2016 US Presidential election.

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The Skittering Skadoodle Trading Card

The Skittering Skadoodle

The Skittering Skadoodle is the smallest of the moose-sandpiper hybrids. It’s about the size of a sparrow. It nests on the ground in large colonies of several million, where it skitters around underfoot, screaming its head off every time anything passes near its eggs.

The Skadoodle is best known for having won America’s Funniest Genetic Compiler Accident’s fifth season. That was the season when the piranha monkeys got disqualified because of all the lawsuits, and everybody got pissed off, and so the Republicans in Congress passed the “Freedom to Entertain” Act.

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