The Triptillated Hallucinochigger
People are aware of the horrible diseases that they can catch from mites and ticks, but have they ever thought about all the chemicals and crap that these poor arachnids are exposed to by feeding on humans?
Most people encounter the tiny mites called chiggers while camping out at hippy-shake music festivals in the summertime. Considering how much acid, molly, shrooms, and really good THC people have in their bloodstreams at these events, it’s only natural that parasites would have to adapt to these chemicals in order to survive on the humans they encountered.
And that is why evolution produced creatures like the Freak-Out Mosquito and the Triptillated Hallucinochigger. Continue reading “The Triptillated Hallucinochigger Trading Card”
The Flarbis Malarbis
The Flarbis Malarbis is the most interesting of all the brain parasites that infest Newt Gingrich’s skull. It eats the part of the brain that normally prevents a person from behaving like a complete sociopath. Its excrement contains hormones that prevents the host from feeling shame, remorse, guilt, and other humanizing emotions.
Scientists estimate that Newt Gingrich has at least two pounds of Malarbis feces in his skull based on his behavior and how easily he can lie and misrepresent. Continue reading “The Flarbis Malarbis Trading Card”
The Sticky-Pawed Mumapikmeup
The Sticky-Pawed Mumapikmeup is the unholy creature that switches places with human toddlers in grocery stores. Their paws are coated with a mixture of snot, nacho-cheese-chip flavoring, sugary food residues, condiments, and grease. And filth. Don’t forget filth.
Scientist tell us that the purpose of the stickiness is to collect filth, and that is why the Mumapikmeup is physically incapable of passing by things like ashtrays, piles of floor sweepings, and other sources of random filth without sticking in their paws, which are sooner or later put into the mouth. Scientist estimate that the average Mumapikmeup ingests over 1.2 pounds of random filth daily. Continue reading “The Sticky-Pawed Mumapikmeup Trading Card”
The Offensive SnuggaWugga
The Offensive SnuggaWugga is a living example of the importance of timing in scientific research. It was created by extra-terrestrial anthropologists to study the roller-disco subculture in Southern California in the 1970s.
The problem is that the anthropologists came from a planet called Blarf where the pace of life itself was glacially slow, and they deployed the SnuggaWugga in 2018 without even bothering to check and see if conditions had changed, never imagining that they possibly could have in such a short blink of an eye. Continue reading “The Offensive SnuggaWugga Trading Card”
The Anxtipated Humptaglump
Of all the abominations created by mixing naked-mole-rat DNA with the human genome, the Anxtipated Humptaglump is probably the worst, and not merely because of its annoying habit of defecating on pets and small children. No, the worst thing about the Humptaglump is its personality.
The Humptaglump is simultaneously worried by every last little detail that could possibly go wrong while at the same time overwhelmed by the pointlessness of everything. (Essentially, it has the same outlook as any stressed-out engineer working in a cubicle anywhere.) Continue reading “The Anxtipated Humptaglump Trading Card”
The Surveillance Bunny
By the time of the Great Solar Event of 2043, humans were psychologically dependent on constant electronic surveillance.
In 2043, the only part of a person’s life that really mattered to them was the part that was shared with digital video and available to a global audience.
If a networked camera didn’t capture and upload an event, it didn’t happen, at least not in a way that was vital to the post-human psyche.
Consequently, people experienced extreme psychological distress when electronic surveillance was temporarily interrupted by technical difficulties, and they could not function during emergencies, and so natural disasters claimed many more lives than in previous generations.
In response, healthcare professionals encouraged people to think of their pets as the eyes of the world watching everything they said and did, figuring that irrational delusions were OK if that is what it took for people to function during natural disasters when surveillance was not available.
In this role, the concept of emotional support animals experienced a renaissance. Cat and dog people argued which animal was the best watcher, and both groups made fun of people who had to rely on things like gerbils and newts. New creatures were also made for this market.
The Surveillance Bunny was genetically engineered to have one large staring eye and was marketed as a dual-purpose emergency supply on doomsday prepper websites, but not many of them were sold.
The ads for the Surveillance Bunny were terrible and probably account for the poor sales. The tagline was: How is your family going to survive the zombie apocalypse without “the meat that watches you?” Continue reading “The Surveillance Bunny Trading Card”
The Blerping Snert is an unlicensed GMO of unknown origin and serves no known purpose. It is odd in several ways.
The creatures eats bars of soap and will eat as many as you give it, to the point that it will actually fart soap bubbles.
It lays its eggs exclusively in miniature golf courses. Continue reading “The Blerping Snert Trading Card”
The Grandpa Spider
The Grandpa Spider is a talking spider that was genetically engineered to remind younger adults why they need to register and vote in every election.
The Grandpa Spider starts every sentence with something like, “I’m not a racist, but…” and ends every sermon with something like, “But you have to agree that we have to do something about all these foreigners.” Continue reading “The Grandpa Spider Trading Card”
The Three-Toed Jiffle
The Three-Toed Jiffle is the most important species of reptile known to science. Discovered in the rain forest near the headwaters of the Orinoco River in 1937, the Jiffle was just one more of the countless exotic species documented in the Amazon basin until scientists learned that its spittle had amazing properties.
The spit of this small lizard contains the psychoactive substance methyl-ethyl-tri-jiffle-fee-fi-mo-miffle, which is called jiffle-miffle for short. Of all the psychoactive substances used by the CIA and other clandestine government agencies, jiffle-miffle is the most powerful. Continue reading “The Three-Toed Jiffle Trading Card”
The Emotional-Support Maggot
Once more than 50% of the U.S. population became morbidly obese, a new type of emotional-support animal was needed because the typical dog or cat was no longer good for the role.
The reason was simple: Even when overfed, a cat or dog could still be relatively fit and active, at least when compared to their owners.
But it wasn’t just a matter of the animal needing more activity than the human could provide. There was also the problem of trying to bond to an animal whose very existence was the worst form of fat shaming.
By failing to eat constantly and by occasional physical activity, the cat or dog was guilty of being insensitive in the first degree as defined by law, and the Supreme Court ruled that pet-food manufacturers were liable to civil penalties for the pain and suffering inflicted.
People desperately needed something that matched their level of gluttony and sloth, and thankfully science stepped up to the plate and produced the Emotional-Support Maggot. Continue reading “The Emotional-Support Maggot Trading Card”