The Speckled Sea Anus Trading Card

The Speckled Sea Anus Trading Card

The Speckled Sea Anus

The Speckled Sea Anus (Dow-Dupont’s Sea Sphincter ™ ) is the most important organism ever created by genetic engineering for the purposes of marine bioremediation. It eats floating plastic and shits diamonds.

The Speckled Sea Anus is free swimming thanks to its tentacles and flipper doo dads, but its body is essentially one big muscular stomach like a sea anemone.

The Sea Anus doesn’t have a digestive tract with a separate entrance and exit. Instead, it ejects waste through the same sphincter-like mouth that it uses to swallow its food, just like anemones and corals and tiny hydras do.

The basic genome of Sea Anus’s stomach/body was derived from these creatures, but the digestive chemistry that goes on inside it is all Dow-Dupont, or mostly Dow-Dupont.

There’s actually Exxon-Mobile, Facebook-Fox News, Disney-Netflix, and a few other patent holders involved before you get to a diamond, but the initial breakdown of the plastic is all Dow-Dupont.

Fun Facts:

To get the genes for the initial enzymes for the plastic, Dow-Dupont ripped off CalTech graduate student Blarft Ixtablot’s thesis, “Genetically Engineered Guinea Pigs That Eat Plastic Spoons and Shit This Really Gross Black Sludge That Is Dangerously Toxic And Difficult To Dispose Of, But I Really Shouldn’t Have Been Given A Failing Grade In Introduction To Genetic Compilers.”

In Ixtablot’s lawsuit for damages from Dow-Dupont, his attorneys successfully argued to have CalTech change his grade in Genetic Compilers to a passing grade, but Dow-Dupont didn’t have to pay him a cent.

The judge in the case was the imfamous Judge Kanye West, a Disney-Netflix appointee and a big proponent of the “Freedom to Take” Act that President Donald Trump Jr. signed into law just the year before.


In da water, fool.

More Improbable Creatures:

This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.