The Speckled Sea Anus Trading Card

The Speckled Sea Anus

The Speckled Sea Anus (Dow-Dupont’s Sea Sphincter ™ ) is the most important organism ever created by genetic engineering for the purposes of marine bioremediation. It eats floating plastic and shits diamonds.

The Speckled Sea Anus is free swimming thanks to its tentacles and flipper doo dads, but its body is essentially one big muscular stomach like a sea anemone.

The Sea Anus doesn’t have a digestive tract with a separate entrance and exit. Instead, it ejects waste through the same sphincter-like mouth that it uses to swallow its food, just like anemones and corals and tiny hydras do.

The basic genome of Sea Anus’s stomach/body was derived from these creatures, but the digestive chemistry that goes on inside it is all Dow-Dupont, or mostly Dow-Dupont.

There’s actually Exxon-Mobile, Facebook-Fox News, Disney-Netflix, and a few other patent holders involved before you get to a diamond, but the initial breakdown of the plastic is all Dow-Dupont.

Continue reading “The Speckled Sea Anus Trading Card”

The Krunkled Wompus Trading Card

The Krunkled Wompus

The Krunkled Wompus is one of the many types of hell beasts that wait to feast on the souls of the damned. It uses the stinger on the end of its tail to stab victims in the eye socket and pump their skull full of corrosive venom. Then it bites off their face and sodomizes what is left of the corpse before eating that as well.

The Wompus was introduced by Satan to help cope with the overflow in hell following the 2016 US Presidential election.

Continue reading “The Krunkled Wompus Trading Card”

The Skittering Skadoodle Trading Card

The Skittering Skadoodle

The Skittering Skadoodle is the smallest of the moose-sandpiper hybrids. It’s about the size of a sparrow. It nests on the ground in large colonies of several million, where it skitters around underfoot, screaming its head off every time anything passes near its eggs.

The Skadoodle is best known for having won America’s Funniest Genetic Compiler Accident’s fifth season. That was the season when the piranha monkeys got disqualified because of all the lawsuits, and everybody got pissed off, and so the Republicans in Congress passed the “Freedom to Entertain” Act.

Continue reading “The Skittering Skadoodle Trading Card”

The Inexplicachicken Trading Card

The Inexplicachicken

Of all the hallucinoids that were ever created using psychoactive substances and a genertic compiler, the Inexplicachicken is perhaps the most terrifying.

Sometimes called McGillicuddy’s Dreamstalker, the Inexplicachicken exudes psychic waves of intense dread and disorientation. Victims describe a sense of being completely lost and unable to remember anything, plus the terror of being unable to look away from the creature’s unblinking eye.

Continue reading “The Inexplicachicken Trading Card”

The Stinktoe Tisperwhisp Trading Card

The Stinktoe Tisperwhisp

The Stinktoe Tisperwhisp is technically more of a jimbiffle than a true tisperwhisp, but only assholes argue over shit like that, to quote Saint Augustus.

The more important fact about the Stinktoe is that it likes to walk through cat shit or dog shit before it walks on newly-waxed automobiles and freshly-painted surfaces. Even though the tiny Stinktoe has hooves, the sticky fecal residue on them enables the creature to walk straight up walls and onto ceilings like a gecko.

Continue reading “The Stinktoe Tisperwhisp Trading Card”

The Fleefle Sneef Trading Card

The Fleefle Sneef

The Fleefle Sneef is yet another tiny fairie creature from Irish folklore. The Fleefle Sneef’s bite was said to cause earaches, but the creature usually went for the earlobes and was repelled by the color blue. That is why people in Ireland still paint their ears blue on the eve of Saint Commacho’s Day. Look it up.

Continue reading “The Fleefle Sneef Trading Card”

The Smooching Girapagoof Trading Card

The Smooching Girapagoof

The Smooching Girapagoof is known for molesting burly male bathers at beaches. Not only will the Girapagoof sneak up on big hairy men and slip them the tongue, it will also grab onto slower swimmers with its flippers and hump them aggressively as they flee.

The Girapagoof genome is part giraffe and part plesiosaur and part grope machine, and it wants to date a bear.

No one knows who engineered this creature or for what purpose or why it is so sexually attracted to human males of the big and burly variety. Forensic Ecologists speculate that it was probably just the usual Japanese weirdness, maybe something for one of their game shows.

Continue reading “The Smooching Girapagoof Trading Card”

The Magical Unapigasus Trading Card

The Magical Unapigasus

The Magical Unapigasus does not shit rainbows or Skittles brand candies as the ancient Greeks believed. Instead, it shits jelly beans, the shitty kind with no flavor that go straight from the Easter basket to the landfill.

That is why the god Zeus transformed into a walrus and had sex with the Unapigasus. He was hoping his divine attentions would cause the Unapigasus to shit something less gross. It was an act of charity on his part.

At least that is what he told his wife the goddess Hera when she asked why he had done it.

Continue reading “The Magical Unapigasus Trading Card”

The Elusive Escaloot Trading Card

The Elusive Escaloot is the most difficult to control of all the “stink weasel” snail hybrids because it is a master of staying hidden. As naturalist Sir David Attenborough said, “You can always smell em, but you can never spot the little motherfuckers.”

That is why Escaloot are the only animal Sir David hunts using a combination of flame throwers and napalm air strikes.

Continue reading “The Elusive Escaloot Trading Card”

The Odious Insufferabull Trading Card

The Odious Insufferabull

The Odious Insufferabull is the moral authority and expert on everything by virtue of being transgender. And for many other reasons they can tell you about.

In fact, the Insufferabull is filled with an imaginary wisdom that knows no bounds.

Although the Insufferabull has never paid a mortgage or worked a job longer than a month, this creature can mansplain for hours on politics and economic theory, and that is just the start.

The Insufferabull has definitive opinions on everything, including books they have never read and movies they have never watched.

Continue reading “The Odious Insufferabull Trading Card”