The Grandpa Spider
The Grandpa Spider is a talking spider that was genetically engineered to remind younger adults why they need to register and vote in every election.
The Grandpa Spider starts every sentence with something like, “I’m not a racist, but…” and ends every sermon with something like, “But you have to agree that we have to do something about all these foreigners.” Continue reading “The Grandpa Spider Trading Card”
The Three-Toed Jiffle
The Three-Toed Jiffle is the most important species of reptile known to science. Discovered in the rain forest near the headwaters of the Orinoco River in 1937, the Jiffle was just one more of the countless exotic species documented in the Amazon basin until scientists learned that its spittle had amazing properties.
The spit of this small lizard contains the psychoactive substance methyl-ethyl-tri-jiffle-fee-fi-mo-miffle, which is called jiffle-miffle for short. Of all the psychoactive substances used by the CIA and other clandestine government agencies, jiffle-miffle is the most powerful. Continue reading “The Three-Toed Jiffle Trading Card”
The Emotional-Support Maggot
Once more than 50% of the U.S. population became morbidly obese, a new type of emotional-support animal was needed because the typical dog or cat was no longer good for the role.
The reason was simple: Even when overfed, a cat or dog could still be relatively fit and active, at least when compared to their owners.
But it wasn’t just a matter of the animal needing more activity than the human could provide. There was also the problem of trying to bond to an animal whose very existence was the worst form of fat shaming.
By failing to eat constantly and by occasional physical activity, the cat or dog was guilty of being insensitive in the first degree as defined by the Shame-Crime Act, and the Supreme Court confirmed lower court rulings that pet-food manufacturers were liable to civil penalties for the pain and suffering inflicted.
Americans desperately needed something that matched their level of gluttony and sloth, and thankfully science stepped up to the plate and produced the Emotional-Support Maggot. Continue reading “The Emotional-Support Maggot Trading Card”
The Pungent Toepillar
The Pungent Toepillar is truly gross: its genome engineer combined pig fetal cells with DNA from fat green hornworm caterpillars to make a hairless warm-blooded monstrosity that grows up to 4 feet in length. The animal has an odor like sharp cheese that emanates from waxy patches on each foot. These cheesy patches resemble large toenails. That’s why the creature is sometimes called the “Toecheese Worm.”
Who originally created this unlicensed GMO remains a mystery, but snack food fans are eternally grateful. Thanks to the Toepiller’s waxy secretions, the corn-chip industry has found a low-cost source of artificial nacho cheese flavoring that has cut the price of horrible breath in half. Continue reading “The Pungent Toepillar Trading Card”
The Lurking Snurk
The Lurking Snurk are the weirdest thing ever: space tourists from a gaseous planet who came to the earth to smell our farts.
With their arrival, some of our butts became the equivalent of a famous gourmet restaurant with a waiting list, but there were so many of the tiny Snurk on Earth that everyone’s butt got snurked from time to time, even the people with substandard farts.
“Snurk!” is the loud honking sound they make when they suddenly inhale and go spherical right next to a farting person’s butt. From this sound comes their human name. The Snurk refer to themselves as “Gary” or “the Gary” or sometimes “Garykind.”
Since the arrival of the Snurk, it is no longer possible to sneak one out in silence.
First you have the loud honks, and then the bloated spherical Snurk slowly floats up to the ceiling, like a cartoon bubble of the fart you just let out. Continue reading “The Lurking Snurk Trading Card”
The Baby Unoceros
Of all the mythic beasts sought after by wizards, the Baby Unoceros tops the list, and the reason is simple: Baby Unoceros snot is used in every magic spell imaginable. It’s like the high-fructose corn syrup of magical ingredients.
Want to remove a wart? You will need six frog scrotums and some Baby Unoceros snot.
Want your boss to start growing hair on his palms? The lips of a flatulent porcupine and Baby Unoceros snot.
Want Donald Trump to fall down the steps of Air Force One and break his fool’s neck before he can destroy more institutions and lives? The queef of a mermaid, three fairy farts, and more Baby Unoceros snot. Continue reading “The Baby Unoceros Trading Card”
The Infamous Tricerapoodle
The Infamous Tricerapoodle inhabited France during the Cretaceous Period. Supposedly.
Let’s just say that not everyone accepted Dr. LeFloop and his questionable fossils, some of which were clearly made from paper mache and plaster while others were parts of marble sculptures of varying degree of antiquity.
Nevertheless, the debate in France over the authenticity of the “fossils” raged for decades, fueled by chauvinistic nationalism and attachment to the poodle as a symbol.
Of all the many fist fights between members of France’s prestigious Academy, the only one to involve more than 12 persons was the melee that occurred during the debate over the Infamous Tricerapoodle.
That brawl might not have been the first fight on the floor of the assembly in which folding metal chairs were used as weapons, but it was the first to be televised. Continue reading “The Infamous Tricerapoodle Trading Card”
The Frinkled Gundersplat
The Frinkled Gundersplat is the cornerstone of Lithuanian cuisine, and they add the tiny fish to everything they eat and drink. You can’t even order a glass of orange juice in Vilnius without it containing something from a Gundersplat, either dried fish meal or its tiny iridescent scales (frinkle) or maybe even its head as a garnish.
Needless to say, traditional Lithuanian dishes such as microwavable pizza rolls and frozen pot pies are loaded with it. Continue reading “The Frinkled Gundersplat Trading Card”
The Ferocious Veenertoof
The Ferocious Veenertoof or Saber-toothed Wiener Dog was the apex predator of the Pleistocene epoch. It fed on ice-age megafauna such as woolly mammoths, dire wolves, mastodons, cave bears, and even our own Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon ancestors.
Though small in size, the Veenertoof hunted in packs of several hundred animals that functioned like highly-efficient killing machines. Even a full-grown male mammoth could be dragged to the ground and stripped to the bone by a pack of Veenertoof, and done so within a matter of minutes not hours.
A famous Cro-Magnon mural in the Lascaux Caves in France depicts such a scene in grizzly detail.
In the foreground, a large mammoth runs in terror with at least 132 Veenertoof hanging from its hide like ticks while the rest of the pack tears at it from behind. A stain of red ocher trails the animals on the ground.
Nearby are the bloody bones of other recent victims. To the right, there are other packs of Veenertoof chasing smaller animals in the distance. To the left, a porcupine is molesting a gopher, but both animals appear to be staring at the carnage, frozen in their act of copulation. Continue reading “The Ferocious Veenertoof Trading Card”
The Gentle Runx
The Gentle Runx is what passes for a cow on the home world of the Blarp, who are the species that colonized the Earth in 2069, during what was later called the summer of interspecies love.
By the time the Blarp discovered and colonized the Earth, humans were so tattooed, pierced, modified, and otherwise bizarre in appearance that there was actual sexual attraction between humans and the Blarp and the Blarp’s various farm animals, particularly the Runx.
In Blarp poetry, the Runx is celebrated for its supposed gentleness and desirability as a sexual partner, but it should be noted that most Blarp love poems end with the Runx either decapitating or disemboweling its ardent suitor. Continue reading “The Gentle Runx Trading Card”