The Popsquinted Maloptachunk Trading Card

The Popsquinted Maloptachunk Trading Card v3

The Popsquinted Maloptachunk

The Popsquinted Maloptachunk were a type of monkey raised for the royal courts of central Europe during the late middle ages. These monkeys were used by an officer of the court whose title was Der Popsquinted Maloptachunk (PM Rex), who carried the monkey with him everywhere on a golden leash. The office of PM Rex consolidated two previous offices: the Court Jester and the King’s Speaker.

When the PM Rex addressed the people in the name of the king, his Popsquinted Maloptachunk monkey would scream hysterically and throw feces at the crowds if they questioned any point, no matter how brazen the lie.

In his play Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare jokingly refers to the PM Rex as the “King’s Mushroom Keeper” and has the character Mercurio explain, “because she is the king’s feeder of shit and spreader of darkness.”

To which, Romeo replies, “Word up my brother.”

According to Jewish tradition, God cursed the Maloptachunk for its shameless dishonesty and complete lack of decency by cursing it to look like Fred Flintstone in drag.

Fun Fact:

These sad little monkeys were rumored to have been brought back from the Crusades by none other than Richard the Lionheart’s more famous squire Lil’ Lord Represent, whose rap career is the stuff of legend. No one could bust a rhyme to lute and harpsicord like Lil’ Lord Represent.


Now extinct. The last remaining specimen was hanged from a lamppost by angry mobs during the Riots of Felchenburg in 1382.

More Improbable Creatures:

This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.