The Penilated Dildomorph
The Penilated Dildomorph is a relative of the microscopic Water Bear (Tardigrade) and is responsible for ending the widespread use of the latter creature in amateur science projects. No teacher wanted to be showing a class of high school kids a Water Bear only to have a Penilated Dildomorph come swimming right up under the lens of the microscope, but it happened all too often, and the effects on classroom discipline were disastrous.
Scientists don’t know why the Dildomorph slowly serpentines its penis-shaped tail to the tune of “There’s A Place In France Where The Women Wear No Pants,” but the creature rarely stops doing so, and it is nearly impossible for teenage boys to not laugh out loud when seeing it for the first time. Continue reading “The Penilated Dildomorph Trading Card”
The Fluffy Lovekins
Fluffy Lovekins is the ironic name for the Eye-Stabbing Murderbeast, which is a training organism used by the US Marine Corps’s elite GMO Response Unit.
The original Fluffly Lovekins was a child-sized animatronic teddy bear with pink fur and an annoying-as-hell cutesy voice that gave adults migraine headaches. This teddy bear was the most popular toy of the 2037 Christmas season, and Amazon-Walmart shipped over 10 million units in North America alone.
Unfortunately, there was a computer error at the Nashville distribution center, and the shipping cartons for almost four thousand of these toys contained an Eye-Stabbing Murderbeast instead of an animatronic bear. Continue reading “The Fluffy Lovekins Trading Card”
The Meeping Squink
Part seahorse, part mudpuppy, part mole, the Meeping Squink was genetically engineered to burrow into clogged residential sewer lines. This creature was highly effective for its intended purpose, but escaped specimens established wild populations in municipal sewer systems, and now these “Sirens of the Sewers” are responsible for at least 15% of all heart attacks in North America.
The problem is that the Squink “meeps” shrilly and loudly when it is disturbed, and this literally scares the shit out of people sitting down on the toilet in the middle of the night. Some of these half-asleep people understandably have heart attacks while screaming things like “Oh My Fucking Jesus!” and “God Almighty Fucking Shit!” Continue reading “The Meeping Squink Trading Card”
The Curly-Toed Blusterchump
The Curly-Toed Blusterchump is a tiny creature that was genetically engineered to live inside the ear canals of dysfunctional people of a certain personality type.
The Blusterchump’s intended hosts are those people who are always auditioning to play the panicky idiot in the disaster movie, those people whose lack of emotional control is matched by an inability to deal with the unexpected.
Freaking out and crying just because you missed your exit on the interstate and having similar spasms of emotional idiocy all day long take a lot out of a person, and sometimes these people get worn out and just can’t keep up their usual level of masochism. They start slacking off and not giving trivial setbacks their usual level of hysteria. Continue reading “The Curly-Toed Blusterchump Trading Card”
The Pirtled Sunderdrat
The Pirtled Sunderdrat was genetically engineered to be a companion pet for lonely artists and writers, and thus these creatures were given creative impulses and manic-depressive tendencies so that they could relate to their owners. The problem is that the genetic engineers overdid it a little bit, and the Sunderdrat is continually enchanted then disgusted with everything it makes.
This creature literally falls in love with its own feces and will dances around a pile of it in ecstasy, dancing and singing, waiting for the world to come adore what it has made. Then, as time passes, the Sunderdrat sees its turds for what they really are and sinks into a black funk that lasts until the creature has to poop again. Or make art. It’s the same way with the Sunderdrat when it makes art. Continue reading “The Pirtled Sunderdrat Trading Card”
The Nine-Spotted Nergle
The Nine-Spotted Nergle are sapient lizards that ride on people’s shoulders and explain to them what blockheads they are being.
The Nergle were genetically engineered to help adult children compensate for having had little or no parenting, or at least that was the idea, but the creature didn’t work out as expected. The problem is that the Nergle are so much brighter than the thoughtless teenagers and twenty-somethings they ride upon, and the frustration of witnessing all the endless stupidity makes these creatures a little sarcastic: Continue reading “The Nine-Spotted Nergle Trading Card”
The Querbled Junderhump
The Querbled Junderhump is testament to just how cruel humans can be. Genetically engineered to be a replacement for hard peppermint candy swirls, one that grew itself and came ready to eat, the Junderhump has a swirled colored shell that is crunchy and filled with the creature’s sugary innards and peppermint-scented secretions.
The idea was that people could just see one climbing up a wall somewhere, pull it off, and chew it up and eat it. (Yes, the company that created it was Japanese.) Continue reading “The Querbled Junderhump Trading Card”