The Martian Honkasquonk Trading Card

The Martian Honkasquonk

The Martian Honkasquonk is a cautionary tale about space exploration and alien biohazards.

Bring back soil samples, they said. We can learn a lot, they said. One of the things we learned is that just because Earth life doesn’t have silicone-based spores that can lie dormant for hundreds of millions of years, doesn’t mean that Martian life can’t have them.

The other thing we learned is that the Honkasquonk spawns by the billions and that its wind-blown spores are smaller than a dust particle.

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The Catattled Taintersquat Trading Card

The Catattled Taintersquat

Of all the strange creatures that inhabit the deserts of eastern Canada, the Catattled Taintersquat is the most feared, and for good reason. Using its razor beak, the Taintersquat can strip the carcass of a dead elephant down to the bone in less than half an hour, and if particularly hungry, crush the bones to get at the fatty marrow.

That is probably why the Taintersquat isn’t recommended for use as a house pet or emotional security animal. But it could also be the fact that the Taintersquat grows to the size of the a city bus and is hard on carpets, drapes, and structural foundations.

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The Disembowelosaurus Trading Card

The Disembowelosaurus

The Fwuffy Wuvkins / Disembowelosaurus was the worst reboot of the Easter Bunny ever, probably the worst reboot of any franchised holiday character in any medium, and not just designer animals. I’m including Ghetto Claus and the Meth Fairy and all the racist stupid shit on TV.

The Fwuffy Wuvkins / Disembowelosaurus was one of those ill-conceived chimeric hybrids that nearly bankrupt the company that develops them. It was the first creature to be described with the phrase “made by a genetic compiler but designed by a committee.”

Basically what happened is that the market analysis group at Genetifunk Get Down GmBH identified two different “it” ideas for the 2059 season, but there was budget for one concept only, and so the miniature Velociraptor Jurassic Park rip-off had to be merged with the Easter Bunny reboot.

It was easy to see why a snuggle pet launched as a holiday animal was thought to have potential.

The previous year, the Leprechaun Monkey had been the “it” creature, and blockbuster sales for its Saint Patrick’s Day release were followed by steady demand, thanks to drunken Irish stereotypes and all the viral Youtube videos of Leprechaun Monkeys throwing turds in people’s beers.

The year before that had been the Valentine’s Day Pet Hearts, which sold well in spite of being creepy and gross because they tasted good when roasted on a skewer. And before that had been the Pumpkin Spice Beetle and all the freaks that like to bathe in pumpkin spice.

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