The Martian Honkasquonk Trading Card

The Martian Honkasquonk Trading Card

The Martian Honkasquonk

The Martian Honkasquonk is a cautionary tale about space exploration and alien biohazards.

Bring back soil samples, they said. We can learn a lot, they said. One of the things we learned is that just because Earth life doesn’t have silicone-based spores that can lie dormant for hundreds of millions of years, doesn’t mean that Martian life can’t have them.

The other thing we learned is that the Honkasquonk spawns by the billions and that its wind-blown spores are smaller than a dust particle.

No one knows how the Honkasquonk escaped NASA’s isolation facilities, but the creature quickly colonized municipal sewer systems worldwide where it became an intolerable pest.

Fun Facts:

The Honkasquonk crawls out of toilets and drains by the hundreds in warm summer months. It will hang motionless on drapes and furniture until disturbed. Then it honks and gasps or “honkasquonks” as loud as hell and scares the shit out of whoever bumped into it.

Mint acts as a synthetic sex pheromone for Honkasquonks, and they are drawn to it like oversexed zombies. For this reason, a toothbrush left by the bathroom sink overnight will sometimes be covered in copulating Honkaquonks in the morning.


Your toothbrush, the sewer system.

More Improbable Creatures:

This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.