The Catattled Taintersquat Trading Card

The Catattled Taintersquat Trading Card

The Catattled Taintersquat

Of all the strange creatures that inhabit the deserts of eastern Canada, the Catattled Taintersquat is the most feared, and for good reason. Using its razor beak, the Taintersquat can strip the carcass of a dead elephant down to the bone in less than half an hour, and if particularly hungry, crush the bones to get at the fatty marrow.

That is probably why the Taintersquat isn’t recommended for use as a house pet or emotional security animal. But it could also be the fact that the Taintersquat grows to the size of the a city bus and is hard on carpets, drapes, and structural foundations.

That doesn’t stop adoring fans from trying to own one, especially if they happen to be a celebrity. In fact, actress-activist Susan Banandon owns three.

Fun Fact:

Susan’s Taintersquats are named Self, Fucking, and Righteous. Susan tells us if here preferred candidate doesn’t get the Democratic nomination in 2020, she will probably just write in Self or Fucking maybe. That’s what she did last time.


The vast interior deserts of eastern Canada with smaller populations worldwide in locations where the creature has been “temporarily” introduced to control mastodon populations.

More Improbable Creatures:

This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.