Me with Harambe a few weeks before he passed. I Photoshopped in the flag and shit later.
The Repulsive Glurp
The Glurp’s flabby skin is clammy and repulsive to the touch, and it secretes a greasy coating that smells like rotting meat. The ancient Assyrians used the Glurp’s secretions to lubricate the axles of their war chariots. Today Glurp meat is used primarily for school lunches and for the manufacture of tires. Continue reading “The Repulsive Glurp Trading Card”
The miracle of beer is that it enables you to belch directly into someone’s face and not care even though you are desperately trying to pick them up and would otherwise be too nervous to try.
The problem with beer is that you keep drinking them and burping directly in the desirable person’s face and talking too loud and acting like a jackass. Continue reading “Burping Doofus Animated GIF”
The Doofus Maloofus
The Doofus Maloofus is living proof that a dragon can successfully copulate with a banana slug, provided you don’t expect too much in the way of smarts. Dragons may be naturally clever, but the Maloofus got it smarts from its momma, and you wouldn’t want to see its SAT scores. Continue reading “The Doofus Maloofus Trading Card”
Meemaw Puckerbutt’s Jalapeño-Prune Salsa
“I wanted folks to be calling Jesus’s name and really mean it. That’s why I created something that turns your anus into a volcano of flaming hot diarrhea. Get right with the Lord, America!”
-Sharlene “Meemaw” Puckerbutt
The Boogie Man
The Boogie Man says it only costs ten cents. He’ll send you his address. It’s down south where the river runs slow.
The Scandalous Snootledroot
The “Scandalous” Snootledroot is perhaps the most effective drain-cleaning newt hybrid ever engineered for home use. The first online ads for the creature featured the annoying catchphrase: “It’ll snootle your drootle!”
Then the phrase became associated with “snootling,” which was a euphemism for allowing the creature to climb up anal passageways for sexual pleasure, and advertisers abandoned the catchphrase in favor of “America’s most wholesome drain-cleaning newt” or something dull like that.
Most people forget that until CNN broadcast pictures of Ted Cruz’s emergency room X-rays, the Snootledroot was associated with the annoying jingle from its online ads, not the sexual practice. Continue reading “The Scandalous Snootledroot Trading Card”
The Flerp-a-Jerperis is indistinguishable from an enraged Tyrannasaurus Rex when strawberry jelly is involved. Once a Flerp-a-Jerperis sees the jelly jar, it will not cease roaring until it has some strawberry jelly in its tiny hands.
The feeding frenzy that follows usually results in a few square meters getting coated in sticky red filth, and that is if you have the beast restrained securely in its feeding station. Feeding a Flerp-a-Jerperis while it is allowed to wander freely will result in sticky grossness spread throughout any dwelling no matter how large. Continue reading “The Flerp-a-Jerperis Trading Card”
The Free-Range Whale-Chicken
The Free-Range Whale-Chicken is larger than the blue whale that supplied half of its DNA, and it is considered to be the most successful PEVGE organism ever released. PEVGE is pronounced “peavy jeavy,” at least by some people when they are high, and otherwise pronounced “pev-jee.”
PEVGEs are a collection of plants and animals created by the underground radical group #uranus-69- 420-yeehaw for the purpose of “progressive ecotage via genetic engineering” as they describe it, or PEVGE for short.
Instead of wasting environmental resources by burning down building sites and other acts of vandalism (the usual ecotage crap), a PEVGE organism is engineered genetically to modify the environment in a way that disrupts man-made monocultures in favor of wild species of multiple types. Continue reading “The Free-Range Whale-Chicken Trading Card”
The Fuck-You Spider
Forget enchanted harps and leprechauns and fairies; the Fuck-You Spider is the central figure of Irish mythology.
There are at least forty different stories in which Irish hero Finn McCool uses a Fuck-You Spider to trick a giant or fuck some seal or catch the queen of the bog or something like that, and an enchanted harp isn’t in any of them. Put it this way, for every story about a harp, there are at least ten about the Fuck-You Spider, usually involving a milkmaid’s underpants or somebody’s pecker or that sort of thing. Continue reading “The Fuck-You Spider Trading Card”