The Free-Range Whale-Chicken Trading Card

The Free-Range Whale-Chicken

The Free-Range Whale-Chicken

The Free-Range Whale-Chicken is larger than the blue whale that supplied half of its DNA, and it is considered to be the most successful PEVGE organism ever released. PEVGE is pronounced “peavy jeavy,” at least by some people when they are high.

PEVGEs are a collection of plants and animals created by radical groups in the name of “Progressive Ecotage Via Genetic Engineering (PEVGE).” Instead of wasting environmental resources by burning down building sites and other acts of vandalism (the usual ecotage crap), a PEVGE organism is engineered genetically to modify the environment in a way that disrupts man-made monocultures in favor of wild species of multiple types.

The Free-Range Whale-Chicken accomplishes this by leaving massive 10-foot wide footprints in lawns that quickly fill with rainwater to form miniature ponds for frogs, insects, and other creatures that live in the weeds that take over now that it is difficult to mow. Whale-Chickens also defecate a loose black stool in giant lumps the size a Volkswagen Beetle, which is a fertilizer bonanza for the “lucky” homeowner.

There is also more lawn area after a Whale-Chicken passes through a neighborhood because some houses will be smaller. Many property owners will just say fuck it and decide not to rebuild that garage or bedroom they weren’t really using anyway. The damned chicken thing is probably coming back through here sooner or later, and so why bother? I should probably just use the insurance check for a new deck with a hot tub.

Fun Fact:

The Free-Range Whale-Chicken prefers to defecate on outdoor hot tubs and has been known drop massive loads onto peoples heads from high above. Victims said that escaping from the soft feces “was like swimming out of warm pudding that smelled like the worst fart your grandpa ever dropped.”

Habitat:

The Whale-Chicken prefers the tidal zones of coastal areas and will sometimes go on stomping rampages through crappy overbuilt beach towns, especially if there is a complete lack of greenspace, which seems to enrage the beast in a way that makes it loath all humanity.

Environmentalists say the impact of Whale-Chickens on coastal ecology in the southeastern United States has been nothing short of a godsend. With feet the size of an elephant, the Whale-Chicken has stomped all the tee-shirt shops and overbuilt tourist crap back into a wildlife-friendly scrub land with dunes, tide pools, and emerging maritime forests. You’re welcome, Myrtle Beach.

More Improbable Creatures:

This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.