The Doofus Maloofus Trading Card

The Doofus Maloofus Trading Card v3

The Doofus Maloofus

The Doofus Maloofus is living proof that a dragon can successfully copulate with a banana slug, provided you don’t expect too much in the way of smarts. Dragons may be naturally clever, but the Maloofus got it smarts from its momma, and you wouldn’t want to see its SAT scores.

It isn’t possible to overstate just how stupid the Maloofus is. In fact, the creature’s name Doofus Maloofus comes from the old medieval Snurdo-Glinkish expression “doo maloo,” which meant “a fucking dumbass motherfucker that is dumber than a bucket of rocks, like rednecks on TV dumb, like I-can’t-believe-I-told-that-stupid-motherfucker-not-to-do-it-and-he-still-did-it dumb.”

Fun Fact:

According to legend, it was a Doofus Maloofus that stumbled into the roadway and caused the patron saint of ex-brother-in-laws St. Bubba the Flatulent to wreck his sweet 1978 Trans-Am, the fully-restored one with the boss eagle painted on the hood. That is why the pope declared that hot wings and jello shooters could be used for the Eucharist under certain circumstances, especially if the titty bar doesn’t open until 3pm.


The crappier parts of Jersey and Long Island.

More Improbable Creatures:

This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.