The Scandalous Snootledroot Trading Card

The Scandalous Snootledroot v4

The Scandalous Snootledroot

The “Scandalous” Snootledroot is perhaps the most effective drain-cleaning newt hybrid ever engineered for home use. The first online ads for the creature featured the annoying catchphrase: “It’ll snootle your drootle!”

Then the phrase became associated with “snootling,” which was a euphemism for allowing the creature to climb up anal passageways for sexual pleasure, and advertisers abandoned the catchphrase in favor of “America’s most wholesome drain-cleaning newt” or something dull like that.

Most people forget that until CNN broadcast pictures of Ted Cruz’s emergency room X-rays, the Snootledroot was associated with the annoying jingle from its online ads, not the sexual practice.

Fun Fact:

Of all the sexual scandals to rock the careers of repressed Republican congressmen, Snootlegate is perhaps the most notorious. As the name implies, Snootlegate involved “snootling” inside the restrooms of the Library of Congress.

Most people agree that SNL did a great job with their parodies of the scandal, but they still doubt that Mitch McConnell’s ass could have held as many mutant newts as claimed by prosecutors, even though it is clearly documented in records from the ER.


The anuses of Republican congressmen.

More Improbable Creatures:

This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.