The Scandalous Snootledroot Trading Card

The Scandalous Snootledroot v4

The Scandalous Snootledroot

The “Scandalous” Snootledroot is perhaps the most effective drain-cleaning newt hybrid ever engineered for home use. The first online ads for the creature had the most annoying catchphrase ever used to sell anything: “It’ll snootle your drootle!”

Then the phrase became a euphemism for cramming the creature up anal passageways for sexual pleasure.

Most people forget that until CNN broadcast pictures of Ted Cruz’s emergency room X-rays, the Snootledroot was associated with the annoying jingle from its online ads, not the sexual practice.

Fun Fact:

Of all the sexual scandals to rock the careers of repressed-homosexual Republican congressmen, Snootlegate is perhaps the most notorious. As the name implies, Snootlegate involved “snootling” inside the restrooms of the Library of Congress.

Most people agree that SNL did a great job with their parodies of the scandal, but they still doubt that Mitch McConnell’s ass could have held as many mutant newts as claimed by prosecutors, even though it is clearly documented in records from the ER.


The anuses of Republican congressmen who are most vocal in their opposition to gay rights.

More Improbable Creatures:

This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.