The Disembowelosaurus Trading Card

The Disembowelosaurus Trading Card

The Disembowelosaurus

The Fwuffy Wuvkins / Disembowelosaurus was the worst reboot of the Easter Bunny ever, probably the worst reboot of any franchised holiday character in any medium, and not just designer animals. I’m including Ghetto Claus and the Meth Fairy and all the racist stupid shit on TV.

The Fwuffy Wuvkins / Disembowelosaurus was one of those ill-conceived chimeric hybrids that nearly bankrupt the company that develops them. It was the first creature to be described with the phrase “made by a genetic compiler but designed by a committee.”

Basically what happened is that the market analysis group at Genetifunk Get Down GmBH identified two different “it” ideas for the 2059 season, but there was budget for one concept only, and so the miniature Velociraptor Jurassic Park rip-off had to be merged with the Easter Bunny reboot.

It was easy to see why a snuggle pet launched as a holiday animal was thought to have potential.

The previous year, the Leprechaun Monkey had been the “it” creature, and blockbuster sales for its Saint Patrick’s Day release were followed by steady demand, thanks to drunken Irish stereotypes and all the viral Youtube videos of Leprechaun Monkeys throwing turds in people’s beers.

The year before that had been the Valentine’s Day Pet Hearts, which sold well in spite of being creepy and gross because they tasted good when roasted on a skewer. And before that had been the Pumpkin Spice Beetle and all the freaks that like to bathe in pumpkin spice.

The Fwuffy Wuvkins Easter Bunny reboot was hoped to have a similar year-round demand, but in this case the demand would be based on being fluffy and cuddly, not alcoholic buffoonery or sick valentines or a flavor craze based on the horrible overwhelming smell of craft stores during the holidays.

But what was the “it” idea behind the miniature Velociraptor Jurassic Park rip-off as a utility beast?

Extreme pest control. People needed something to hunt down and kill all the genetically-modified monstrosities that were taking over, things like the giant rats in the storm sewer behind KFC’s dumpster, the ones that chewed through the sheet metal exterior of the walk-in freezer so many times they had to brick it all the way around. And then they chewed through that.

Clearly this second idea was also worth pursuing, and so the Genetifunk engineers had to figure out how to do both. This required some outside-the-box thinking:

Why not save a few bucks and sequence only one genome that expresses epigenetically into two different creatures based on external hormone manipulation?

Make the default expression of the genome be a downy protective hen that tries to snuggle anything that moves. Make that the default. Spray it with custom hormones if you need the berserk carnivore. Why not do that?

MERP is why not.

MERP is a type of micro-plastic derived hormone mimic, which are molecules that stimulate the same changes as natural hormones, except that they persist a lot longer in the cell and cause problems.

MERP pollution in soil and water is increasing due to plastic litter, automobiles, and unprotected nasal intercourse.

MERP is why some six-year-old girls are starting puberty and why your Uncle Al grew a vagina on his forehead. MERP is also why a Fwuffy Wuvkins will sooner or later get in touch with its inner Disembowelosaurus.

Fun Fact:

Do you know what the type of plastic used in plastic easter eggs decomposes into? MERP


Horror movies, Tennessee

More Improbable Creatures:

This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.