New and Improved Mormonism


“Pray for Bigfoot. Don’t let him explode like Jesus.”

That’s the central belief of New and Improved Mormonism.

You have to understand that New and Improved Mormons (NIMs) are just like other Christians in that they believe in Jesus Christ as the divine son of God and the savior of all mankind and that he was resurrected and all that.

The difference is that NIMs also believe that the sins of the world became so great that Jesus exploded from the overload, and Bigfoot had to take over. They call that tragic event the Divine Sasquatchination and believe that it happened around the time of Donald Trump’s third medical deferment from military service during the Viet Nam war.

The exact date of the Divine Sasquatchination is a matter of debate. The official doctrine of The Church of the Divine Sasquatchination of Latter Day Saints only states that the date of Trump’s third medical deferment is “most likely” when the Divine Sasquatchination occurred.

Reformed New and Improved Mormons (RNIMs) disagree with this date for the Divine Sasquatchination and believe that Jesus exploded around the time of Donald Trump’s third divorce or the time of his third bankruptcy or the time of his third criminal act as President, depending on the congregation you ask. RNIMs tend to squabble among themselves at religious conferences more than NIMs.

One thing RNIMs and NIMs all agree on is that Donald Trump’s presidency put a hurtin on ole Bigfoot, and He really needs our help.

NIM church services are noteworthy for their version of the Sacrament of Sasquatchination, which they refer to simply as Sacrament. NIM Sacrament consists of smoking very potent marijuana in bongs or eating a really good jell cap or an edible, whatever people happened to bring to the gathering, hopefully with snacks.

Before the Sacrament is consumed, it is blessed by the congregation, who all chant in unison, “Saint Uber, pray for us, for we bout to get burnt down to the groun.”