The Elusive Escaloot Trading Card

The Elusive Escaloot Trading Card

The Elusive Escaloot is the most difficult to control of all the “stink weasel” snail hybrids because it is a master of staying hidden. As naturalist Sir David Attenborough said, “You can always smell em, but you can never spot the little motherfuckers.”

That is why Escaloot are the only animal Sir David hunts using a combination of flame throwers and napalm air strikes.

This creature is equal parts mammalian skunk and molluscan tree snail. When threatened, the Escaloot will discharge its anal glands with deadly accuracy at the predator’s face, similar to how a skunk defends itself.

The Escaloot’s spray of reeking mucus contains sticky globules of pure stink that are impossible to wash off. These musk globules are what perfume makers modify with chemicals and use to create lasting fragrances.

The patented process for modifying those stink globs is based on the famous paper by Albert Einstein’s lesser-known cousin Moe Einstein

Of course you probably read it in high school, but in case you didn’t, you should:

Stankoscene Removal From Muskoid Anal Squeezings. Einstein, Moe. Journal 0f Disgusting Animal Products from Weird Genetically-Engineered Hybrids, Volume 12, Edition 10, 2069.

When Moe accepted the Nobel Prize in Stankology later that same year, his acceptance speech was devoted to shout outs for his corporate sponsors and a new rap album he had recently released:

Moe Einstein, Moe Spittin Da Truth

Fun Fact:

The Elusive Escaloot was genetically engineered for the production of musk-mucus after the popular men’s cologne “Chode” by Ron Jeremy created a surge in demand for the noxious ingredient.


The weeds around the cul-de-sacs of unfinished subdivisions and the parking lots of abandoned shopping malls. The Escaloot can lay its eggs only in boarded-up fast-food restaurants (and Denny’s if they’re not too busy).

More Improbable Creatures:

This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.