The Brainivorous Grookensploot Trading Card

The Brainivorous Grookensploot trading card

The Brainivorous Grookensploot

The Brainivorous Grookensploot nests exclusively inside the craniums of senile nincompoops. Its shit contains chemicals that make people act like stupid assholes.

Scientists call this family of compounds “magassiums” and speculate that they were evolved by the Grookensploot to prevent its host from behaving rationally and seeking help once infected.

Victims are known for talking about themselves all the time yet having zero self awareness. Everything is a boast or a superlative. Or very bad, the worst ever. Many sentences are left incomplete, and the ideas expressed are disjoint and filled with exaggerations and wild claims.

Symptoms of Grookensploot infestation are indistinguishable from good old fashioned senility, but scientists have developed ultra-sensitive microphones that can detect the sounds of a Grookensploot eating brain tissue.

Fun Fact:

Scientists say an infestation sounds like a bunch dirt bikes or chainsaws, with each individual Grookensploot making its own contribution. They say the inside of Donald Trump’s skull sounded like Sturgis Bike Week.

Donald Trump himself boasted about it in a video interview, “The scientists were amazed. They told me they had never heard anything like that.”


Inside the skulls of mean old stupid motherfuckers.

More Improbable Creatures:

This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.