The Smooching Girapagoof Trading Card

The Smooching Girapagoof

The Smooching Girapagoof is known for molesting burly male bathers at beaches. Not only will the Girapagoof sneak up on big hairy men and slip them the tongue, it will also grab onto slower swimmers with its flippers and hump them aggressively as they flee.

The Girapagoof genome is part giraffe and part plesiosaur and part grope machine, and it wants to date a bear.

No one knows who engineered this creature or for what purpose or why it is so sexually attracted to human males of the big and burly variety. Forensic Ecologists speculate that it was probably just the usual Japanese weirdness, maybe something for one of their game shows.

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The Magical Unapigasus Trading Card

The Magical Unapigasus

The Magical Unapigasus does not shit rainbows or Skittles brand candies as the ancient Greeks believed. Instead, it shits jelly beans, the shitty kind with no flavor that go straight from the Easter basket to the landfill.

That is why the god Zeus transformed into a walrus and had sex with the Unapigasus. He was hoping his divine attentions would cause the Unapigasus to shit something less gross. It was an act of charity on his part.

At least that is what he told his wife the goddess Hera when she asked why he had done it.

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The Elusive Escaloot Trading Card

The Elusive Escaloot is the most difficult to control of all the “stink weasel” snail hybrids because it is a master of staying hidden. As naturalist Sir David Attenborough said, “You can always smell em, but you can never spot the little motherfuckers.”

That is why Escaloot are the only animal Sir David hunts using a combination of flame throwers and napalm air strikes.

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The Odious Insufferabull Trading Card

The Odious Insufferabull

The Odious Insufferabull is the moral authority and expert on everything by virtue of being transgender. And for many other reasons they can tell you about.

In fact, the Insufferabull is filled with an imaginary wisdom that knows no bounds.

Although the Insufferabull has never paid a mortgage or worked a job longer than a month, this creature can mansplain for hours on politics and economic theory, and that is just the start.

The Insufferabull has definitive opinions on everything, including books they have never read and movies they have never watched.

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The Popsquinted Maloptachunk Trading Card

The Popsquinted Maloptachunk

The Popsquinted Maloptachunk were a type of monkey raised for the royal courts of central Europe during the late middle ages. These monkeys were used by an officer of the court whose title was Der Popsquinted Maloptachunk (PM Rex), who carried the monkey with him everywhere on a golden leash. The office of PM Rex consolidated two previous offices: the Court Jester and the King’s Speaker.

When the PM Rex addressed the people in the name of the king, his Popsquinted Maloptachunk monkey would scream hysterically and throw feces at the crowds if they questioned any point, no matter how brazen the lie.

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The Triptillated Hallucinochigger Trading Card

The Triptillated Hallucinochigger

People are aware of the horrible diseases that they can catch from mites and ticks, but have they ever thought about all the chemicals and crap that these poor arachnids are exposed to by feeding on humans?

Most people encounter the tiny mites called chiggers while camping out at hippy-shake music festivals in the summertime. Considering how much acid, molly, shrooms, and really good THC people have in their bloodstreams at these events, it’s only natural that parasites would have to adapt to these chemicals in order to survive on the humans they encountered.

And that is why evolution produced creatures like the Freak-Out Mosquito and the Triptillated Hallucinochigger. Continue reading “The Triptillated Hallucinochigger Trading Card”

The Flarbis Malarbis Trading Card

The Flarbis Malarbis

The Flarbis Malarbis is the most interesting of all the brain parasites that infest Newt Gingrich’s skull. It eats the part of the brain that normally prevents a person from behaving like a complete sociopath. Its excrement contains hormones that prevents the host from feeling shame, remorse, guilt, and other humanizing emotions.

Scientists estimate that Newt Gingrich has at least two pounds of Malarbis feces in his skull based on his behavior and how easily he can lie and misrepresent. Continue reading “The Flarbis Malarbis Trading Card”

The Sticky-Pawed Mumapikmeup Trading Card

The Sticky-Pawed Mumapikmeup

The Sticky-Pawed Mumapikmeup is the unholy creature that switches places with human toddlers in grocery stores. Their paws are coated with a mixture of snot, nacho-cheese-chip flavoring, sugary food residues,  condiments, and grease. And filth. Don’t forget filth.

Scientist tell us that the purpose of the stickiness is to collect filth, and that is why the Mumapikmeup is physically incapable of passing by things like ashtrays, piles of floor sweepings, and other sources of random filth without sticking in their paws, which are sooner or later put into the mouth. Scientist estimate that the average Mumapikmeup ingests over 1.2 pounds of random filth daily. Continue reading “The Sticky-Pawed Mumapikmeup Trading Card”

The Offensive SnuggaWugga Trading Card

The Offensive SnuggaWugga

The Offensive SnuggaWugga is a living example of the importance of timing in scientific research. It was created by extra-terrestrial anthropologists to study the roller-disco subculture in Southern California in the 1970s.

The problem is that the anthropologists came from a planet called Blarf where the pace of life itself was glacially slow, and they deployed the SnuggaWugga in 2018 without even bothering to check and see if conditions had changed, never imagining that they possibly could have in such a short blink of an eye. Continue reading “The Offensive SnuggaWugga Trading Card”

The Anxtipated Humptaglump Trading Card

The Anxtipated Humptaglump

Of all the abominations created by mixing naked-mole-rat DNA with the human genome, the Anxtipated Humptaglump is probably the worst, and not merely because of its annoying habit of defecating on pets and small children. No, the worst thing about the Humptaglump is its personality.

The Humptaglump is simultaneously worried by every last little detail that could possibly go wrong while at the same time overwhelmed by the pointlessness of everything. (Essentially, it has the same outlook as any stressed-out engineer working in a cubicle anywhere.) Continue reading “The Anxtipated Humptaglump Trading Card”