The Inexplicachicken Trading Card

The Inexplicachicken

Of all the hallucinoids that were ever created using psychoactive substances and a genertic compiler, the Inexplicachicken is perhaps the most terrifying.

Sometimes called McGillicuddy’s Dreamstalker, the Inexplicachicken exudes psychic waves of intense dread and disorientation. Victims describe a sense of being completely lost and unable to remember anything, plus the terror of being unable to look away from the creature’s unblinking eye.

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The Stinktoe Tisperwhisp Trading Card

The Stinktoe Tisperwhisp

The Stinktoe Tisperwhisp is technically more of a jimbiffle than a true tisperwhisp, but only assholes argue over shit like that, to quote Saint Augustus.

The more important fact about the Stinktoe is that it likes to walk through cat shit or dog shit before it walks on newly-waxed automobiles and freshly-painted surfaces. Even though the tiny Stinktoe has hooves, the sticky fecal residue on them enables the creature to walk straight up walls and onto ceilings like a gecko.

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The Fleefle Sneef Trading Card

The Fleefle Sneef

The Fleefle Sneef is yet another tiny fairie creature from Irish folklore. The Fleefle Sneef’s bite was said to cause earaches, but the creature usually went for the earlobes and was repelled by the color blue. That is why people in Ireland still paint their ears blue on the eve of Saint Commacho’s Day. Look it up.

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The Smooching Girapagoof Trading Card

The Smooching Girapagoof

The Smooching Girapagoof is known for molesting burly male bathers at beaches. Not only will the Girapagoof sneak up on big hairy men and slip them the tongue, it will also grab onto slower swimmers with its flippers and hump them aggressively as they flee.

The Girapagoof genome is part giraffe and part plesiosaur and part grope machine, and it wants to date a bear.

No one knows who engineered this creature or for what purpose or why it is so sexually attracted to human males of the big and burly variety. Forensic Ecologists speculate that it was probably just the usual Japanese weirdness, maybe something for one of their game shows.

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The Magical Unapigasus Trading Card

The Magical Unapigasus

The Magical Unapigasus does not shit rainbows or Skittles brand candies as the ancient Greeks believed. Instead, it shits jelly beans, the shitty kind with no flavor that go straight from the Easter basket to the landfill.

That is why the god Zeus transformed into a walrus and had sex with the Unapigasus. He was hoping his divine attentions would cause the Unapigasus to shit something less gross. It was an act of charity on his part.

At least that is what he told his wife the goddess Hera when she asked why he had done it.

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I Tell the Lies Animated GIF

I Tell the Lies music video

The number of people who tell bald-face lies for Trump is amazing. It doesn’t matter how incompetent or erratic or corrupt his actions are. Even a damn fool should be able to see how everything he has done is gonna bite middle America on the ass.

The failure of human decency was bad enough, but it’s also a failure of basic intelligence at this point.

I think those dumbasses would burn down their own houses if they thought it would piss off the Democrats.

LYRICS

I tell the lies that make the whole world cry.
I tell the lies of hate and ugly things.
I tell the lies that make the young ones cry.
I tell the lies, I tell the lies.

The Elusive Escaloot Trading Card

The Elusive Escaloot is the most difficult to control of all the “stink weasel” snail hybrids because it is a master of staying hidden. As naturalist Sir David Attenborough said, “You can always smell em, but you can never spot the little motherfuckers.”

That is why Escaloot are the only animal Sir David hunts using a combination of flame throwers and napalm air strikes.

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SuperDouche Animated GIF

SuperDouche music video

SuperDouche Music Video

Look, up in the sky! It’s a turd! It’s a slime! It’s SuperDouche!

Faster than a speeding lie! More powerful than the liberal media! Able to leap plain facts in a single bound! It’s SuperDuche!

SuperDouche streaks to the rescue of the most incompetent and corrupt of all US Presidents.

Will he fly up the elephant’s ass if that is what it takes to shit on the Constitution?

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Worst Birthday Party Ever music video

Worst Birthday Party Ever music video

What is it like for William Barr to go to work every morning knowing that the senile spoiled child he works for is eventually going to shoot his mouth again and make things even worse?

On top of that, even the dumbest man would know that he has already done enough to go down in history as a ridiculous shit, maybe even to prison.

All this abuse of his office, institutions, honored traditions, the law, and for what? To keep the Reality TV star out of jail until the next time he does something stupid, and the mess gets even bigger.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe Barr really is lacking in intelligence in some way. He has to be, in some critical self-deluding way.

What must it be like to bet your whole political future on the irrational hope that Donald Trump won’t be able to do something so disastrously stupid that you couldn’t cover for him?

Surely Barr must be questioning his own intelligence or sanity by now.

Barr at the Birthday Party

I once had a horrible fever dream when I had a stomach virus and was throwing up around the clock. It had that pervasive bad feeling that make fever dreams worse than ordinary nightmares, and it had that hallucinatory intensity and sense of going on forever.

In the dream, I was stuck at a kindergarden birthday party where the kids were all acting like brats and throwing tantrums. They were jerking away from the mothers that were trying to get them to leave, and they were spilling food and knocking things over. Some kids fell down on the ground kicking and screaming, and there were all these hotdogs and icing and gross food getting smeared into the dirt. All the kids had dirty snotty faces, and the food was rancid looking.

I couldn’t leave the birthday party, but ever so often I woke up and puked and then fell back asleep into the same dream.

I think William Barr is stuck at this birthday party.