The Polyceraphant Trading Card

The Polyceraphant

The Polyceraphant

The Polyceraphant or Ouchneck’d Snuffeldy-Pig is living proof that triceratops and elephant DNA should never be combined. Blame the Martsanto Corporation for this one.

Actually, the lion’s share of the blame falls squarely on Martsanto intern Bob “the Blerf” Blerfman.

If the Blerf hadn’t faked the autoclave reports so many times because he was always in the restroom jerking off that summer, then there wouldn’t have been the prolonged period of cross contamination in laboratory glassware, which was exactly what was needed for autochimerization to occur.

But you can’t blame the Blerf for how recklessly the creature was exploited without testing. Once it was discovered that Polyceraphant jizz was the ideal ingredient for making powdered protein shakes, you can only blame market forces. You certainly can’t blame Martsanto management or CEO Barney Fap. Or the board of the Martsanto holding company, or any other party listed in the cease and desist letter on my desk.

Fun Fact:

The first references to the Polyceraphant in literature are from William Shakespeare’s “A Twelfth Knight’s Wife of Midsummer FuthaPuckin Eve,” which was clearly written when the Bard was shitfaced.

“OuchNeck’d Snuffeldy Pig! | Thou hast besquirted me!”

-Queen Massaboodian’s lines to Prince Dundlechunk, in which she accuses him of having foul-smelling semen.

“OuchNeck’d Snuffeldy Pig” was the popular name for the Polyceraphant in Elizabethan England, and their jizz really does reek to high heavens. Musty does not begin to describe it. Don’t get me started on Polyceraphant jizz.


Old public buildings in depressed areas, particularly ones with water damage of some sort. They have that Polyceraphant smell.

More Improbable Creatures:

This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.