The Shithead Gnat Trading Card

The Shithead Gnat Trading Card

The Shithead Gnat

The Shithead Gnat or Little Flying Mutha Fuckas are tiny gnats that feel like fire ants covered in cayenne pepper when they crash into your eyeball, which is what they are known for.

First you slap your eye hard enough to see stars. Then you rub the damn thing around trying to get it out of your eye and mash it all to pieces, making it so much worse. Every last piece of a Shithead Gnat burns like pure cayenne pepper, every last drop of bodily fluid, every last fragment of antenna, leg, etc., and so your eye runs with tears like a faucet for the next quarter hour or so.

Fun Fact:

The best time to discuss “Intelligent Design” with a Creationist is right after they bang the every living shit out of their unpadded skull or shin bone and are still seeing white hot stars of pain. “The best of all possible worlds, mother fucker!”


The Shithead Gnat is usually encountered when you are up a ladder installing a porch light or leaping over a fence with a rifle strapped to your back or some other convenient time.

More Improbable Creatures:

This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.