The Bonkbashing Scrumblebum Trading Card

The Bonkbashing Scrumblebum

The Bonkbashing Scrumblebum

The Bonkbashing Scrumblebum is a rugby-training animal that was genetically engineered to charge through clusters of tangled bodies. For maximum aggressiveness and indestructibility, genetic material from the ankylosaurus and the rhinoceros were combined to make this beast, and a pinch of billy goat was thrown in for good measure.

The sound of breaking bones causes the Scrumblebum to prance its hooves up and down and spin around excitedly in a circle. Ruggers call this bone-crushing orgy of stomping “the tap dance of death.”

And then there is the Scrumblebum’s tail. The swing of this creature’s mallot-headed tail is capable of fucking shit up righteously, to quote Jane Austen.

Fun Fact:

Some experts on sociopathic behavior theorize that Sean Hannity may have been struck in the head by a Scrumblebum’s tail, while others claim his disregard for things like facts and decency is simply a matter of his momma dropping him on his head when he was a baby.


The basements of structurally-damaged fraternity houses.

More Improbable Creatures:

This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.