alternative comics and memes by Jethro Sleestak
Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures is a satirical book of trading cards created and illustrated by artist Jethro Sleestak.
The Glurp’s flabby skin is clammy and repulsive to the touch, and it secretes a greasy coating that smells like rotting meat. The ancient Assyrians used the Glurp’s secretions to lubricate the axles of their war chariots. Today Glurp meat is used primarily for school lunches and for the manufacture of tires. Continue reading “The Repulsive Glurp Trading Card”
The Doofus Maloofus is living proof that a dragon can successfully copulate with a banana slug, provided you don’t expect too much in the way of smarts. Dragons may be naturally clever, but the Maloofus got it smarts from its momma, and you wouldn’t want to see its SAT scores. Continue reading “The Doofus Maloofus Trading Card”
The “Scandalous” Snootledroot is perhaps the most effective drain-cleaning newt hybrid ever engineered for home use. The first online ads for the creature featured the annoying catchphrase: “It’ll snootle your drootle!”
Then the phrase became associated with “snootling,” which was a euphemism for allowing the creature to climb up anal passageways for sexual pleasure, and advertisers abandoned the catchphrase in favor of “America’s most wholesome drain-cleaning newt” or something dull like that.
Most people forget that until CNN broadcast pictures of Ted Cruz’s emergency room X-rays, the Snootledroot was associated with the annoying jingle from its online ads, not the sexual practice. Continue reading “The Scandalous Snootledroot Trading Card”
The Flerp-a-Jerperis is indistinguishable from an enraged Tyrannasaurus Rex when strawberry jelly is involved. Once a Flerp-a-Jerperis sees the jelly jar, it will not cease roaring until it has some strawberry jelly in its tiny hands.
The feeding frenzy that follows usually results in a few square meters getting coated in sticky red filth, and that is if you have the beast restrained securely in its feeding station. Feeding a Flerp-a-Jerperis while it is allowed to wander freely will result in sticky grossness spread throughout any dwelling no matter how large. Continue reading “The Flerp-a-Jerperis Trading Card”
The Free-Range Whale-Chicken is larger than the blue whale that supplied half of its DNA, and it is considered to be the most successful PEVGE organism ever released. PEVGE is pronounced “peavy jeavy,” at least by some people when they are high, and otherwise pronounced “pev-jee.”
PEVGEs are a collection of plants and animals created by the underground radical group #uranus-69- 420-yeehaw for the purpose of “progressive ecotage via genetic engineering” as they describe it, or PEVGE for short.
Instead of wasting environmental resources by burning down building sites and other acts of vandalism (the usual ecotage crap), a PEVGE organism is engineered genetically to modify the environment in a way that disrupts man-made monocultures in favor of wild species of multiple types. Continue reading “The Free-Range Whale-Chicken Trading Card”
Forget enchanted harps and leprechauns and fairies; the Fuck-You Spider is the central figure of Irish mythology.
There are at least forty different stories in which Irish hero Finn McCool uses a Fuck-You Spider to trick a giant or fuck some seal or catch the queen of the bog or something like that, and an enchanted harp isn’t in any of them. Put it this way, for every story about a harp, there are at least ten about the Fuck-You Spider, usually involving a milkmaid’s underpants or somebody’s pecker or that sort of thing. Continue reading “The Fuck-You Spider Trading Card”
Of all the crimes against humanity that were committed by the League of Lesbian Grandmothers following their merger with the Angry Grannies motorcycle gang, the creation of the Atrocious Moshus is perhaps the worst. Genetically engineered to attack college republicans on sight, the Moshus genome combines DNA from the extinct dodo bird with that of the wharf rat to create a vicious crotch-biting machine.
According to popular myth, the Atrocious Moshus will not release its beak from the crotch of a pair of khaki pants until it hears the sound of a testicle popping. For this reason, the College Republican National Committee issued a pamphlet titled “Guard Your Nads” which advises its members to clap their hands frantically if attacked and to wear athletic cups when visiting coffee shops, women’s colleges, and other left-leaning places where spoken word poetry is performed. Continue reading “The Atrocious Moshus Trading Card”
The Clicky-Toed Walrupede was genetically engineered by SinoTech New Tomorrow Limited Hong Kong to eat cigarette butts in gutters and sewers.
The creature’s genome is mostly newt and centipede and contains only enough walrus DNA for the teeth, which were critical for the distinctive logo and for the marketing tag line: “Let a walrus eat your butt!” Other than that, the Clicky-Toed Walrupede is not too much different from all the other newt hybrids that have escaped from the scavenge-for-hire ecological remediation industry. Continue reading “The Clicky-Toed Walrupede Trading Card”
The Duck-Billed Snurk is slimy like a slug yet lightning fast like a snake. The Snurk’s venom is only mildly toxic, but instead of having two fangs, the creature has a mouth full of needle-like teeth, and it isn’t shy about using them if you try to grab it. Luckily, the creature doesn’t get much bigger than a chipmunk.
Snurks were previously unknown until construction of a new dunking stool complex for the Bible Heritage America amusement park in Ainis, Texas exposed the underground chambers in which these odd creatures had dwelt undisturbed for millenia. Continue reading “The Duck-Billed Snurk Trading Card”
The Daisy-Tailed Moople hides in flower beds and sneaks up on people sunbathing in public parks. It rapidly licks the insides of the victim’s noses. Or ears. Or eyes. Or mouth. Or all of the above in a frantic rush back and forth before the victim can sit up and yell what the fuck. Continue reading “The Daisy-Tailed Moople Trading Card”
