Tag: Improbable Creatures

The Shithead Gnat

The Shithead Gnat or Little Flying Mutha Fuckas are tiny gnats that feel like fire ants covered in cayenne pepper when they crash into your eyeball, which is what they are known for.

First you slap your eye hard enough to see stars. Then you rub the damn thing around trying to get it out of your eye and mash it all to pieces, making it so much worse. Every last piece of a Shithead Gnat burns like pure cayenne pepper, every last drop of bodily fluid, every last fragment of antenna, leg, etc., and so your eye runs with tears like a faucet for the next quarter hour or so. Continue reading “The Shithead Gnat Trading Card”

The Polyceraphant

The Polyceraphant or Ouchneck’d Snuffeldy-Pig is living proof that triceratops and elephant DNA should never be combined. Blame the Martsanto Corporation for this one.

Actually, the lion’s share of the blame falls squarely on Martsanto intern Bob “the Blerf” Blerfman.

If the Blerf hadn’t faked the autoclave reports so many times because he was always in the restroom jerking off that summer, then there wouldn’t have been the prolonged period of cross contamination in laboratory glassware, which was exactly what was needed for autochimerization to occur. Continue reading “The Polyceraphant Trading Card”

The Gruffle Snort

The Gruffle Snort (or Snortled Grunt) makes conspicuously loud smacking and slurping sounds while riding public transportation in order to attract a mate.

This display of gross eating noises is what biologist E.O. Wilson called “Conspicuous Assholism,” and it is what both sexes of Gruffle Snort find attractive in a reproductive partner. Continue reading “The Gruffle Snort Trading Card”

The Butt-Based Bundlechump

The Butt-Based Bundlechump lives in its own sphincter and looks like a pink rolled-up condom only slightly smaller.

The Bundlechump keeps up with the news and can tell you why Hilary Clinton was the most evil politician that ever lived, worse than Hitler or Stalin. The Bundlechump has detailed information and theories about all sorts of news events, all derived from highly partisan sources, sources more actively concerned with manufacturing a world view than reporting information.

For that reason, the Bundlechump views any inconvenient piece of information as a lie, including basic facts from an authoritative textbook or encyclopedia. On the other hand, any claim made by the right-wing corporate media is gospel. Clean Coal is as real as Jesus. The Chinese made up Climate Change. Continue reading “The Butt-Based Bundlechump Trading Card”

The Easter Cobra

The Easter Cobra or Bitey Rabbit was genetically engineered by SinoBeast Shanghai Limited for retro-fetish hipsters (RetFets) in the North American and European markets. RetFets use the Easter Cobra to celebrate their neo-pagan fertility rites.

What can be more exciting than dressing up in hot sweaty 1970s polyester church clothes and hunting for colorful eggs in the tall spring clover? How about getting bitten on the hand by the Easter Cobra and injected with its hallucinogenic venom and spending the rest of the day nude and dancing ecstatically and having group sex in piles of writhing bodies right on the ground?

Yes, the Goddess moves in mysterious ways, especially when you are tripping your balls off so hard that you paint magic symbols on your butt and end up having sex with things like the car door and the hedges in front of the elementary school down the street. “Mommy, why doesn’t that man have on any clothes, and what is he doing to the shrubbery?” Continue reading “The Easter Cobra Trading Card”

The Rana MooMoo

The Rana MooMoo or Common Cowfrog is a successful yet gross example of genetic engineering used to increase food production while reducing greenhouse gas emissions.

Since cows emit about 100 to 200 liters of methane per day, and since dairy foods are so important to most human diets, an animal such as the Rana MooMoo has obvious value.

As Texas A&M professor, Dr. Buford T. Bohanon said, “We don’t need a half-ton cow, just a 30-pound frog with an udder full of tits on its head. I tell you, this is one of the true miracles of science. Makes me proud to be a cow engineer. You wanna see the manatee we got out back? We put tits on its head too.” Continue reading “The Rana MooMoo Trading Card”

The Bonkbashing Scrumblebum

The Bonkbashing Scrumblebum is a rugby-training animal that was genetically engineered to charge through clusters of tangled bodies. For maximum aggressiveness and indestructibility, genetic material from the ankylosaurus and the rhinoceros were combined to make this beast, and a pinch of billy goat was thrown in for good measure.

The sound of breaking bones causes the Scrumblebum to prance its hooves up and down and spin around excitedly in a circle. Ruggers call this bone-crushing orgy of stomping “the tap dance of death.”

And then there is the Scrumblebum’s tail. The swing of this creature’s mallot-headed tail is capable of fucking shit up righteously, to quote Jane Austen. Continue reading “The Bonkbashing Scrumblebum Trading Card”

The Ear-Splitting Yowlerhowl

The Ear-Splitting Yowlerhowl was genetically engineered for the Australian sporting and novelty markets, where it was briefly sold under the brand name Scrumblebum before being recalled due to product liability concerns.

The Yowlerhowl goes dormant when confined in dark containers, but when released into daylight, it springs to life and starts streaking around and howling like a siren and scratching the hell out of everything as it runs. To this day, insurance policies in Australia specifically exclude damage resulting from incidents with Yowlerhowl.

Imagine a bunch of drunken Australians swinging boots and cricket bats through walls, windows, and furniture, and you will have a good idea how much damage can result from a single Yowlerhowl leaping out of an unwrapped gag gift. Continue reading “The Ear-Splitting Yowlerhowl Trading Card”

The Belchilating Halitrocious

The Belchilating Halitrocious likes to consume tons of beer and spicy food and then singe the hairs out of people’s nostrils with its paint-blistering belches. The Halitrocious has no concept of personal space and talks directly into people’s faces and can’t stop talking once started.

This creature also has a sixth sense for homing in on people who are feeling slightly nauseated. Needless to say, the Belchilating Halitrocious sometimes gets barfed on. Continue reading “The Belchilating Halitrocious Trading Card”

The Twatterfying Postibator

The Twatterfying Postibator or Posticated Nincomblat is a tiny invisible gnat that swarms around computer and phone screens in the middle of the night. The tiny Postibator gnat secretes mind-altering chemicals that cause people to make ill-conceived posts on social media.

Often those afflicted with swarms of Postibators will already have an addiction problem with social media and make posts more frequently than is healthy or practical, so much so that they frequently run out of meaningful new information to post. Sometimes these individuals are reduced to photographing their meals and even their own feces merely to have something to talk about. Continue reading “The Twatterfying Postibator Trading Card”