Category: Improbable Creatures

The Belchilating Halitrocious

The Belchilating Halitrocious likes to consume tons of beer and spicy food and then singe the hairs out of people’s nostrils with its paint-blistering belches. The Halitrocious has no concept of personal space and talks directly into people’s faces and can’t stop talking once started.

This creature also has a sixth sense for homing in on people who are feeling slightly nauseated. Needless to say, the Belchilating Halitrocious sometimes gets barfed on. Continue reading “The Belchilating Halitrocious Trading Card”

The Twatterfying Postibator

The Twatterfying Postibator or Posticated Nincomblat is a tiny invisible gnat that swarms around computer and phone screens in the middle of the night. The tiny Postibator gnat secretes mind-altering chemicals that cause people to make ill-conceived posts on social media.

Often those afflicted with swarms of Postibators will already have an addiction problem with social media and make posts more frequently than is healthy or practical, so much so that they frequently run out of meaningful new information to post. Sometimes these individuals are reduced to photographing their meals and even their own feces merely to have something to talk about. Continue reading “The Twatterfying Postibator Trading Card”

The Egomaniacal Sarandonderp

The Egomaniacal Sarandonderp is a microscopic brain parasite that causes people to make crackpot decisions in elections where they don’t like either candidate.

The Sarandonderp secretes a hormone called “egomone,” which causes infected individuals to overestimate the importance of their opinions and preferences, to the extent that more important concerns are neglected, even life and death concerns.

Clinical studies with synthetic egomone have shown that under its influence, people literally lose the ability to gauge likely outcomes and react accordingly. Scientists believe that it is the emotional high induced by egomone that makes those infected blind to everyday realities and convinces them that their preferences must and will be accommodated in some way.

Most of the Sarandonderp’s victims die of a terminal case of the dumbass, and so researchers have had limited opportunities to interview people who recover. Continue reading “The Egomaniacal Sarandonderp Trading Card”

The Chumbling Hundergrunt

The Chumbling Hundergrunt is a sentient bird that sings bedtime lullabies in the voice of Marge Simpson. This genetically-engineered chimera was created by an eccentric billionaire as a vanity project, but the film industry quickly discovered how creepy the creature’s slow soft singing was when paired with the right images, and soon nearly every horror film and disaster film featured a song by a Hundergrunt.

The best known example is the theme song for the blockbuster “Titanic II: Reunion Under The Sea,” which is a cover of Elvis’s song “Love Me Tender” sung by a Hundergrunt. Continue reading “The Chumbling Hundergrunt Trading Card”

The Mump-Mouthed Gundersludge

The Mump-Mouthed Gundersludge is the true source of all Vaporwave music and not the down-pitched samples of 1980s pop as claimed by hipsters. Genetic engineering can only do so much, and so the creators of the Gundersludge recommend feeding the creature exclusively on molasses, tar, and carpet adhesive so that its voice has the hallucinogenic melting sound that defines Vaporwave vocals.

The Gundersludge was created using genetic material from parakeets, the dodo bird, and various uber hipsters. That is why Gundersludge insists on making pretentious statements about the counter-cultural significance of its music. Continue reading “The Mump-Mouthed Gundersludge Trading Card”

The Penilated Dildomorph

The Penilated Dildomorph is a relative of the microscopic Water Bear (Tardigrade) and is responsible for ending the widespread use of the latter creature in amateur science projects. No teacher wanted to be showing a class of high school kids a Water Bear only to have a Penilated Dildomorph come swimming right up under the lens of the microscope, but it happened all too often, and the effects on classroom discipline were disastrous.

Scientists don’t know why the Dildomorph slowly serpentines its penis-shaped tail to the tune of “There’s A Place In France Where The Women Wear No Pants,” but the creature rarely stops doing so, and it is nearly impossible for teenage boys to not laugh out loud when seeing it for the first time. Continue reading “The Penilated Dildomorph Trading Card”

The Fluffy Lovekins

Fluffy Lovekins is the ironic name for the Eye-Stabbing Murderbeast, which is a training organism used by the US Marine Corps’s elite GMO Response Unit.

The original Fluffly Lovekins was a child-sized animatronic teddy bear with pink fur and an annoying-as-hell cutesy voice that gave adults migraine headaches. This teddy bear was the most popular toy of the 2037 Christmas season, and Amazon-Walmart shipped over 10 million units in North America alone.

Unfortunately, there was a computer error at the Nashville distribution center, and the shipping cartons for almost four thousand of these toys contained an Eye-Stabbing Murderbeast instead of an animatronic bear. Continue reading “The Fluffy Lovekins Trading Card”

The Meeping Squink

Part seahorse, part mudpuppy, part mole, the Meeping Squink was genetically engineered to burrow into clogged residential sewer lines. This creature was highly effective for its intended purpose, but escaped specimens established wild populations in municipal sewer systems, and now these “Sirens of the Sewers” are responsible for at least 15% of all heart attacks in North America.

The problem is that the Squink “meeps” shrilly and loudly when it is disturbed, and this literally scares the shit out of people sitting down on the toilet in the middle of the night. Some of these half-asleep people understandably have heart attacks while screaming things like “Oh My Fucking Jesus!” and “God Almighty Fucking Shit!” Continue reading “The Meeping Squink Trading Card”

The Curly-Toed Blusterchump

The Curly-Toed Blusterchump is a tiny creature that was genetically engineered to live inside the ear canals of dysfunctional people of a certain personality type.

The Blusterchump’s intended hosts are those people who are always auditioning to play the panicky idiot in the disaster movie, those people whose lack of emotional control is matched by an inability to deal with the unexpected.

Freaking out and crying just because you missed your exit on the interstate and having similar spasms of emotional idiocy all day long take a lot out of a person, and sometimes these people get worn out and just can’t keep up their usual level of masochism. They start slacking off and not giving trivial setbacks their usual level of hysteria. Continue reading “The Curly-Toed Blusterchump Trading Card”

The Pirtled Sunderdrat

The Pirtled Sunderdrat was genetically engineered to be a companion pet for lonely artists and writers, and thus these creatures were given creative impulses and manic-depressive tendencies so that they could relate to their owners. The problem is that the genetic engineers overdid it a little bit, and the Sunderdrat is continually enchanted then disgusted with everything it makes.

This creature literally falls in love with its own feces and will dances around a pile of it in ecstasy, dancing and singing, waiting for the world to come adore what it has made. Then, as time passes, the Sunderdrat sees its turds for what they really are and sinks into a black funk that lasts until the creature has to poop again. Or make art. It’s the same way with the Sunderdrat when it makes art. Continue reading “The Pirtled Sunderdrat Trading Card”