Category: Improbable Creatures

The Snizzle-Snouted Snurtildurt

The Snizzle-Snouted Snurtildurt has a voice like that of Paula Poundstone and was genetically engineered to sing opera off-key as loudly as possible. The Snurtildurt was created by the CIA to be a more legally-acceptable alternative to waterboarding, but the International Criminal Court in The Hague ruled that use of the creature was “really fucking bad, like worse than my stepdad even.”

[Am I remembering an episode of NPR’s Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me?]
Continue reading “The Snizzle-Snouted Snurtildurt Trading Card”

The Jippled Blundersnerf

The Jippled Blundersnerf or “Good-God-O-Mighty Moth” is a gnat-sized moth that lives on psilocybin mushrooms and carries concentrated hallucinogenic alkaloids in its bodily fluids. Because the creature is attracted to the moist mucous membranes of mouths and noses, it is often inhaled by cattle, dogs, and humans, who then begin to hallucinate intensely, especially if multiple moths were snorted.

The Blundersnerf swarms on warm summer nights, and this may explain why tent revivals in the deep South back in the day were filled with so much ecstatic singing, shouting, and jumping around. Continue reading “The Jippled Blundersnerf Trading Card”

The Repulsive Glurp

The Glurp’s flabby skin is clammy and repulsive to the touch, and it secretes a greasy coating that smells like rotting meat. The ancient Assyrians used the Glurp’s secretions to lubricate the axles of their war chariots. Today Glurp meat is used primarily for school lunches and for the manufacture of tires. Continue reading “The Repulsive Glurp Trading Card”

The Doofus Maloofus

The Doofus Maloofus is living proof that a dragon can successfully copulate with a banana slug, provided you don’t expect too much in the way of smarts. Dragons may be naturally clever, but the Maloofus got it smarts from its momma, and you wouldn’t want to see its SAT scores. Continue reading “The Doofus Maloofus Trading Card”

The Scandalous Snootledroot

The “Scandalous” Snootledroot is perhaps the most effective drain-cleaning newt hybrid ever engineered for home use. The first online ads for the creature featured the annoying catchphrase: “It’ll snootle your drootle!”

Then the phrase became associated with “snootling,” which was a euphemism for allowing the creature to climb up anal passageways for sexual pleasure, and advertisers abandoned the catchphrase in favor of “America’s most wholesome drain-cleaning newt” or something dull like that.

Most people forget that until CNN broadcast pictures of Ted Cruz’s emergency room X-rays, the Snootledroot was associated with the annoying jingle from its online ads, not the sexual practice. Continue reading “The Scandalous Snootledroot Trading Card”

The Flerp-a-Jerperis

The Flerp-a-Jerperis is indistinguishable from an enraged Tyrannasaurus Rex when strawberry jelly is involved. Once a Flerp-a-Jerperis sees the jelly jar, it will not cease roaring until it has some strawberry jelly in its tiny hands.

The feeding frenzy that follows usually results in a few square meters getting coated in sticky red filth, and that is if you have the beast restrained securely in its feeding station. Feeding a Flerp-a-Jerperis while it is allowed to wander freely will result in sticky grossness spread throughout any dwelling no matter how large. Continue reading “The Flerp-a-Jerperis Trading Card”

The Free-Range Whale-Chicken

The Free-Range Whale-Chicken is larger than the blue whale that supplied half of its DNA, and it is considered to be the most successful PEVGE organism ever released. PEVGE is pronounced “peavy jeavy,” at least by some people when they are high, and otherwise pronounced “pev-jee.”

PEVGEs are a collection of plants and animals created by the underground radical group #uranus-69- 420-yeehaw for the purpose of “progressive ecotage via genetic engineering” as they describe it, or PEVGE for short.

Instead of wasting environmental resources by burning down building sites and other acts of vandalism (the usual ecotage crap), a PEVGE organism is engineered genetically to modify the environment in a way that disrupts man-made monocultures in favor of wild species of multiple types. Continue reading “The Free-Range Whale-Chicken Trading Card”

The Fuck-You Spider

Forget enchanted harps and leprechauns and fairies; the Fuck-You Spider is the central figure of Irish mythology.

There are at least forty different stories in which Irish hero Finn McCool uses a Fuck-You Spider to trick a giant or fuck some seal or catch the queen of the bog or something like that, and an enchanted harp isn’t in any of them. Put it this way, for every story about a harp, there are at least ten about the Fuck-You Spider, usually involving a milkmaid’s underpants or somebody’s pecker or that sort of thing. Continue reading “The Fuck-You Spider Trading Card”

The Atrocious Moshus

Of all the crimes against humanity that were committed by the League of Lesbian Grandmothers following their merger with the Angry Grannies motorcycle gang, the creation of the Atrocious Moshus is perhaps the worst. Genetically engineered to attack college republicans on sight, the Moshus genome combines DNA from the extinct dodo bird with that of the wharf rat to create a vicious crotch-biting machine.

According to popular myth, the Atrocious Moshus will not release its beak from the crotch of a pair of khaki pants until it hears the sound of a testicle popping. For this reason, the College Republican National Committee issued a pamphlet titled “Guard Your Nads” which advises its members to clap their hands frantically if attacked and to wear athletic cups when visiting coffee shops, women’s colleges, and other left-leaning places where spoken word poetry is performed. Continue reading “The Atrocious Moshus Trading Card”

The Clicky-Toed Walrupede

The Clicky-Toed Walrupede was genetically engineered by SinoTech New Tomorrow Limited Hong Kong to eat cigarette butts in gutters and sewers.

The creature’s genome is mostly newt and centipede and contains only enough walrus DNA for the teeth, which were critical for the distinctive logo and for the marketing tag line: “Let a walrus eat your butt!” Other than that, the Clicky-Toed Walrupede is not too much different from all the other newt hybrids that have escaped from the scavenge-for-hire ecological remediation industry. Continue reading “The Clicky-Toed Walrupede Trading Card”