Category: Improbable Creatures

The Merpus Kongadoot

The Merpus Kongadoot is a tiny multi-cellular organism that lives inside people’s brains and helps them ignore inconvenient information in favor of more comforting explanations of what’s going on.

It would be difficult to say exactly how much the human race owes the tiny Kongadoot in terms of preventing unnecessary stress and anxiety. Were it not for this creature, people would hardly be able to do ordinary things like shop for furniture or put gas in their SUVs without having panic attacks over climate change. Continue reading “The Merpus Kongadoot Trading Card”

The Tufted Heptonkle

The Tufted Heptonkle will die if deprived of fluorescent lighting and motivational posters and is most at home in cubicles eight feet wide or less. The Tufted Heptonkle can influence external events through its psychoteletronic abilities, which it uses to cause everything in the workplace to go to shit at once. This creature is most active on Monday mornings following three-day weekends. The Heptonkle breeds during meetings conducted by Human Resources and Marketing departments and lays its eggs inside photocopier machines. Continue reading “The Tufted Heptonkle Trading Card”

The Flatooberus Humfgrump

The Flatooberus Humfgrump is perhaps the most argumentative of the flatulentophilic worms. Always right, even when it is wrong, the Flatooberus Humfgrump must have the last word in any argument, else it is likely to die in a screaming fit. The Humfgrump prefers to keep its head curled around and tucked into its own buttocks and is biologically incapable of understanding any concept that cannot be summarized in an emotionally-worded bumper sticker. This creature loves to rant about politics and history but is spectacularly ignorant of basic facts in either subject. Continue reading “The Flatooberus Humfgrump Trading Card”

The Kerbled Sneejax

The Kerbled Sneejax is nearly microscopic in size, yet its odor of sweaty cheap cologne can be smelled a room away, which makes it a particularly dreaded parasite. The creature’s backwardly curving or “kerbled” legs allow it to leap distances hundreds of times the length of its body and thus change hosts with ease. The creature’s droppings are highly allergenic and can cause sneezing fits in its host, hence the name Sneejax. Continue reading “The Kerbled Sneejax Trading Card”

The Sneezled Doopottajink

The Sneezled Doopottajink’s role in Lithuanian folklore and history cannot be overstated. These majestic beasts were ridden into battle there until the introduction of the horse during the reign of Olaf the Unsniffable sometime near the end of the 12th century. It is said that Lithuanian knights would perm or “sneezle” their hair into mohawks in imitation of the Doopottajink’s frizzy mane. Continue reading “The Sneezled Doopottajink Trading Card”

The Rackoldy Ickthoblerp

The Rackoldy Ickthoblerp is known for reproducing after it is deceased. The Ickthoblerp dies from the inside out starting in the digestive tract, and their bellies start bloating with the gases of decomposition days before the creature is actually dead. The dead bodies from mass synchronized “die offs” float to the surface of the ocean and wash ashore in large numbers. Continue reading “The Rackoldy Ickthoblerp Trading Card”

The Twirlerated Ferpdertle

The Twirlerated Ferpdertle feeds almost exclusively on cigarette butts and is known for the elaborate nests it makes from dandelion fluff and used chewing gum. Continue reading “The Twirlerated Ferpdertle Trading Card”

The Bonstipated Snudge

The Bonstipated Snudge has an appetite for construction rubble, and so it is often bonstipated, which is much worse than constipated because it involves bricks. Continue reading “The Bonstipated Snudge Trading Card”