Category: Improbable Creatures

The Twerbled Nerkjozzle

The Twerbled Nerkjozzle is an intracranial parasite that uses its host’s stress hormones to reproduce rapidly inside the skull. People stuck in really bad traffic jams can develop toxic populations in about one to two hours, and people with regular commutes of that level of crappiness are absolutely infested with Nerkjozzle. An article in the Journal of the American Medicological Associations reported that the brains of commuters sampled from seven different metropolitan areas all looked like Swiss cheese, apparently from all the stress holes the Nerkjozzles had wallowed out in them (Burgermerger, B, et. al. Vehicular Brain Rot Syndrome and T. Nerkjozzle Population Size, A Statistical Analysis Plus Some Really Gross Photos. The Journal of That Other AMA. 2016;289:84-107.) Continue reading “The Twerbled Nerkjozzle Trading Card”

The Frizzled Kerploppamus

The Frizzled Kerploppamus is sometimes called “The Devil’s Bird Bath” or “Mother Nature’s Hungry Commode.” The creature’s lower jaw is disproportionately large and round and shaped like the bowl of a modern flushing toilet, while the upper jaw is flat and lid-like, capable of snapping down lightning fast and containing a mouthful of frantic birds.

The Kerploppamus hunts by leaving its mouth open with its upper jaw raised nearly vertical, allowing the bowl of the lower jaw to fill with rainwater, which sooner or later attracts birds, squirrels, yappy poodle dogs, snooping neighbors, and other prey. The creature is named for the “kerplop” sound that raindrops make when they fall into the water-filled bowl of the mouth. Continue reading “The Frizzled Kerploppamus Trading Card”

The Merping Gwuntmump

The Merping Gwuntmump is a semi-aquatic organism that was originally sold as “Sea Babies” by the Blammo Novelty company in the back of comic books in the early 1960s. After it was learned just how large Gwuntmumps could grow and what disgusting habits they had, Blammo quickly replaced Gwuntmumps with brine shrimp, and so tiny brine shrimp are what most people think of when Sea Babies are mentioned.

Just like brine shrimp, the Merping Gwuntmump is tiny when first hatched, but the Gwuntmump can grow to the size of a small human adult if fed an adequate diet and kept in a large enough aquarium.  The Gwuntmump is particularly fond of cabbage, beans, peanuts, pickled eggs, and sauerkraut, and it will fastidiously avoid any food that does not contribute to its overwhelming non-stop flatulence. Scientists believe that the Gwuntmump uses its flatulence to attract bugs and other prey, but humans, dogs, cats, and most other higher mammals find the odor unbearable. Continue reading “The Merping Gwuntmump Trading Card”

The Konjillated Gundersquat

The Konjillated Gundersquat’s escape from the lab marked the end of Santa’s dabbling in genetic engineering, at least those experiments aimed at hybridizing reindeer with other species.

Most experts on escaped GMOs believe that that the Gundersquat was a misguided attempt to produce a cold-hardy species of escargot or conch and point to Santa’s fondness for both shellfish and French cuisine as evidence for their theory. Others point to more sinister motives. Continue reading “The Konjillated Gundersquat Trading Card”

The Star-Nosed Dandlesneet

The Star-Nosed Dandlesneet likes to hide small hand-held objects such as keys, remotes, cell phones, lighters, pipes, etc., and is particularly active around people who smoke pot. Or who are under a lot of stress trying to do ten things at once. The Dandlesneets just love when you get behind and have to rush.

The Dandlesneet likes to do things like put the milk in the cabinet and the box of cereal in the refrigerator and leave bags and purses on the roofs of automobiles. Nothing makes a Star-Nosed Dandlesneet happier than the sound of a stressed-out guy on a cell phone backing his car over his own laptop. When such events multiply in a spiral of ever-increasing stress, the individual in question is said to be dandlesneeted, which was the Old Flemish word for totally fucked. Continue reading “The Star-Nosed Dandlesneet Trading Card”

The Snertled Blert

The Snertled Blert is a strange creature indeed. Although seemingly related to amphibians in terms of having moist skin and gills, the Blert gives birth to live young which gestate in wombs similar to those of placental mammals, and yes, the Blert has a belly button like a mammal.

But that’s not what makes them weird as hell. What makes them strange is their annoying habit of “blerting” swimmers in the nose, which is when the animal darts up with the speed of a hummingbird and shoots its nine-inch tongue up into the swimmer’s sinuses and then darts away before the victim can react, often making a sound similar to the cartoon Road Runner’s “meep meep” before disappearing. Continue reading “The Snertled Blert Trading Card”

The Floofeldy Merfex

The Floofeldy Merfex or “Satan’s Feather Duster” is perhaps the most difficult animal to keep as a pet as far as damage to home furnishings is concerned. The Merfex is not content merely to shred the upholstery of sofas but instead has the need to tunnel inside and remove every ounce of foam rubber stuffing, which it tears into a gazillion pieces and scatters all over the house. The more damage a Merfex has done to a house, the happier and more excited it will be when its people return from work.

The Merfex can reduce an apartment full of furniture to nothing but crap bound for the landfill in a single day. They can also chew door frames to nothing and bust through plaster walls by running at them full blast “road-runner-and-coyote” style. Thus possession of the Floofeldy Merfex is illegal in seventeen states and the District of Columbia. “The Landlord’s Bill of Rights” passed by many of these states entitles a landlord to shoot these creatures and their owners on site. Continue reading “The Floofeldy Merfex Trading Card”

The Nocturberus Ginkdizzle

The Nocturberus Ginkdizzle is a tiny parasite that lives in people’s eyelashes. The Ginkdizzle’s saliva and droppings are mildly hallucinogenic, and when these fall into the host’s eyes, the host exhibits all sorts of irrational behavior. It is thought that the droppings of the Nocturberus Ginkdizzle account for more than half of all purchases from home shopping networks and at least a third of all marriages.

In the 1950s, the U.S and the Soviet Union both had secret programs to weaponize the Ginkdizzle, until the Treaty of Paris supposedly put an end to them. However, conspiracy theorists rightly point out that the reelection of President George W. Bush in 2004 could only have been possible through the mass deployment of weaponized Ginkdizzles or something equally nefarious. Continue reading “The Nocturberus Ginkdizzle Trading Card”

The Glerp-Toed Hizjiffle

The tiny Glerp-Toed Hizjiffle uses its sticky green skin to pick up germs from public restrooms, subway seats, elevator buttons, and other disgusting surfaces handled by thousands of unwashed hands. Then it likes to crawl through your sinuses and over your tonsils. When you first feel that burning sensation when you swallow, you can be sure the Glerp-Toed Hizjiffle has paid you a visit sometime in the past hour. Continue reading “The Glerp-Toed Hizjiffle Trading Card”

The Hoofilated Dundersnatch

Most people know that Dr. Equinox was the genetic engineer who produced over a hundred novel variations of the horse by combining DNA from other species, but few know that before his career in the sciences, he was a struggling NYC fashion designer ruined by his obsession with 1970s ghetto pimp stereotypes.

The Hoofilated Dundersnatch is the size of a woolly mammoth and is generally regarded to be one of Dr. Equinox’s more odd creations. The animal has horse’s hooves, but it does not trot, cantor, or gallop like a horse. Instead, the animal struts to the syncopated rhythms of Stevie Wonder’s “Superstition.” Continue reading “The Hoofilated Dundersnatch Trading Card”