The Floofeldy Merfex
The Floofeldy Merfex or “Satan’s Feather Duster” is perhaps the most difficult animal to keep as a pet as far as damage to home furnishings is concerned. The Merfex is not content merely to shred the upholstery of sofas but instead has the need to tunnel inside and remove every ounce of foam rubber stuffing, which it tears into a gazillion pieces and scatters all over the house. The more damage a Merfex has done to a house, the happier and more excited it will be when its people return from work.
The Merfex can reduce an apartment full of furniture to nothing but crap bound for the landfill in a single day. They can also chew door frames to nothing and bust through plaster walls by running at them full blast “road-runner-and-coyote” style. Thus possession of the Floofeldy Merfex is illegal in seventeen states and the District of Columbia. “The Landlord’s Bill of Rights” passed by many of these states entitles a landlord to shoot these creatures and their owners on site.
Still, most Floofeldy Merfex owners say that the unconditional love these creatures show make them worth it (provided you don’t mind living with decor best described as “Vandalized Thrift Store”). Young Merfex can be raised on diets of drier lint and milk, but adults require at least a sofa cushion per day plus wooden tables and chairs on which to gnaw.
Floofeldy Merfex lay their eggs in dust bunnies, which are indistinguishable from baby Merfex when they first hatch out. Many people have started vacuuming under their beds only to discover that some of the dust bunnies know to run from the vacuum.
Whatever room you don’t want them to ever be in, the one you always make sure you shut the door, but today you forgot. Or maybe they scratched it open. Who knows. Either way, your grandma’s nice antique loveseat is ruined now.
More Improbable Creatures:
This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.