The Twerbled Nerkjozzle Trading Card

The Twerbled Nerkjozzle

The Twerbled Nerkjozzle

The Twerbled Nerkjozzle is an intracranial parasite that uses its host’s stress hormones to reproduce rapidly inside the skull. People stuck in really bad traffic jams can develop toxic populations in about one to two hours, and people with regular commutes of that level of crappiness are absolutely infested with Nerkjozzle. An article in the Journal of the American Medicological Associations reported that the brains of commuters sampled from seven different metropolitan areas all looked like Swiss cheese, apparently from all the stress holes the Nerkjozzles had wallowed out in them (Burgermerger, B, et. al. Vehicular Brain Rot Syndrome and T. Nerkjozzle Population Size, A Statistical Analysis Plus Some Really Gross Photos. The Journal of That Other AMA. 2016;289:84-107.)

Fun Fact:

It is possible for people commuting in north Metro Atlanta traffic to have concentrations of Nerkjozzles so high that the person’s skull actually vibrates with the same bone-shaking frequency as a rough dental drill ran at low speed on a molar. In response, researchers at The Georgia Institute of Technology have made a device resembling a hearing aid that harnesses the vibratory energy released by Nerkjozzles and uses it as a power supply to play Bobby McFerrin’s song “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” over and over. The FDA has not yet approved the device because too many of the initial test subjects beat themselves unconscious by banging their heads on the steering column. More work is needed.


The skulls of persons with regular commutes involving interstate highways, belt lines, and metro ring roads.

More Improbable Creatures:

This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.