The Blert-Eyed Schnozzbottle Trading Card

The Blert-Eyed Schnozzbottle

The Blert-Eyed Schnozzbottle

The Blert-Eyed Schnozzbottle scavenges sugary dregs from discarded fast-food drink containers, which it finds along the shoulders of highways and in ditches. Scientists know that the Schnozzbottle evolved from either rats or squirrels but cannot say which due to the mutagenic properties of caffeinated energy drinks, which obviously played a role in the creature’s origins as evidenced by its eyes.

The Schnozzbottle’s “blerted” or elongated eyes can swivel in two different directions at the same time like those of a chameleon lizard. The Schnozzbottle’s eyes are constantly in motion because the creature weighs less than two pounds yet consumes enough caffeine to kill a horse*.

The Schnozzbottle jitters and twitches and makes the shrew look like a sloth. It darts from cup to cup with the speed of a hummingbird, snatching up each container for a quick slurp before throwing it back down in one quick motion.

The creature nests in bucket-sized soft-drink containers of 128 ounces or larger and shows a strong preference for “Mega Gulps” and “Bladder Blasters” and other drink buckets made from Styrofoam instead of waxed paper. The size of the Schnozzbottle population within a mile of any gas station has been statistically correlated to whether or not the station’s fountain drinks are sold in Styrofoam containers.

Nevertheless, Schnozzbottles can nest without any drink bucket (Styrofoam or otherwise) if sufficient amounts of paper and plastic litter are available. Thankfully, the verges of most of the worlds roadways are covered in sufficient trash to raise generations and generations of the creature even if no one ever littered again.

* The Schnozzbottle’s caffeine intake is still less than what a typical American diagnosed with ADD consumes. Scientists had once hoped to use Schnozzbottles to study the abuse of caffeinated energy drinks, but not even the Schnozzbottle can tolerate the spastic levels of sugar and caffeine that teenagers are allowed to drink every day.

Fun Fact:

The Schnozzbottle is named for its habit of getting its proboscis stuck in bottles. Roadway Ecologists capture Schnozzbottles for radio tagging using nothing more than a glass soda bottle with a little bit of sticky dried-up Pepsi in the bottom.


The verges of any roadway driven by slobs.

More Improbable Creatures:

This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.