The Clappastrian Sockomunch Trading Card

The Clappastrian Sockomunch

The Clappastrian Sockomunch

The Clappastrian Sockomunch feeds exclusively on socks soiled with human sweat, and it has evolved an extra pair of legs to assist with the excretion of large amounts of undigested fibers. Like a snake, the Sockomunch does not eat very often (that “mysterious” 1 sock that goes missing each month), but when it eats, it eats something almost as large as itself by swallowing it whole. The Sockomunch is about the size of an athletic sock, and so it can hide very efficiently behind washers and driers and underneath them.

Sadly, Clappastrian Sockomunch population levels have been falling steadily since the late 1990s. At first scientists didn’t know why these fascinating creatures were dying off because the reason for their decline has nothing to do with socks, at least not directly.

The extra pair of diminutive legs hanging from the base of the Sockomunch’s tail are used to help push large fibrous feces from the anus, but they are also used to communicate with other Sockomi. The tiny feet clap with a repetitive rhythm that helps the creature find mates and defend territory (similar in purpose to a cricket’s chirp or cicada’s siren but with distinct beats instead of a squeaking sound). Normally the rhythm of these beats is the old 5-then-2 of the “shave and hair cut | two bits” knock that everybody knows, but that began to change in the 1990s, and the results were disastrous.

As pop songs began to feature more and more upbeat clapping, the songs not only became more annoying to humans, but they also became a source of sound pollution with devastating ecological impact. The poor little Clappastrian imitates any rhythm it hears too often, and usually this is the 5-then-2 joke knock, or the beat of loose change tumbling in the dryer, but these are slow rhythms. The upbeat feel-good fast clapping of every other pop song these days is simply too much for the little Sockomunch, for it is powerless to stop imitating, and it literally claps its ass to death.

In response, several UN Resolutions have called for the execution of the band Mumford and Sons for crimes against humanity and the environment, but too many people like that stuff, and so the band continue to get away with polluting the world with ear worms, and Clappastrians keep dying.

Fun Fact:

You know all that lint that accumulates underneath washers and driers? Ever wondered how it got there and how there could be so much of it? That’s the desiccated excreta of the Clappastrian Sockomunch.


Beneath any washer or dryer that hasn’t been cleaned under for at least a month (provided your tastes in music aren’t the aural equivalent of a Skittle smoothie).

More Improbable Creatures:

This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.