Author: Jethro Sleestak

The Flerp-a-Jerperis Trading Card

The Flerp-a-Jerperis

The Flerp-a-Jerperis is indistinguishable from an enraged Tyrannasaurus Rex when strawberry jelly is involved. Once a Flerp-a-Jerperis sees the jelly jar, it will not cease roaring until it has some strawberry jelly in its tiny hands.

The feeding frenzy that follows usually results in a few square meters getting coated in sticky red filth, and that is if you have the beast restrained securely in its feeding station. Feeding a Flerp-a-Jerperis while it is allowed to wander freely will result in sticky grossness spread throughout any dwelling no matter how large. Continue reading “The Flerp-a-Jerperis Trading Card”

The Free-Range Whale-Chicken Trading Card

The Free-Range Whale-Chicken

The Free-Range Whale-Chicken is larger than the blue whale that supplied half of its DNA, and it is considered to be the most successful PEVGE organism ever released. PEVGE is pronounced “peavy jeavy,” at least by some people when they are high, and otherwise pronounced “pev-jee.”

PEVGEs are a collection of plants and animals created by the underground radical group #uranus-69- 420-yeehaw for the purpose of “progressive ecotage via genetic engineering” as they describe it, or PEVGE for short.

Instead of wasting environmental resources by burning down building sites and other acts of vandalism (the usual ecotage crap), a PEVGE organism is engineered genetically to modify the environment in a way that disrupts man-made monocultures in favor of wild species of multiple types. Continue reading “The Free-Range Whale-Chicken Trading Card”

The Fuck-You Spider Trading Card

The Fuck-You Spider

Forget enchanted harps and leprechauns and fairies; the Fuck-You Spider is the central figure of Irish mythology.

There are at least forty different stories in which Irish hero Finn McCool uses a Fuck-You Spider to trick a giant or fuck some seal or catch the queen of the bog or something like that, and an enchanted harp isn’t in any of them. Put it this way, for every story about a harp, there are at least ten about the Fuck-You Spider, usually involving a milkmaid’s underpants or somebody’s pecker or that sort of thing. Continue reading “The Fuck-You Spider Trading Card”

The Atrocious Moshus Trading Card

The Atrocious Moshus

Of all the crimes against humanity that were committed by the League of Lesbian Grandmothers following their merger with the Angry Grannies motorcycle gang, the creation of the Atrocious Moshus is perhaps the worst. Genetically engineered to attack college republicans on sight, the Moshus genome combines DNA from the extinct dodo bird with that of the wharf rat to create a vicious crotch-biting machine.

According to popular myth, the Atrocious Moshus will not release its beak from the crotch of a pair of khaki pants until it hears the sound of a testicle popping. For this reason, the College Republican National Committee issued a pamphlet titled “Guard Your Nads” which advises its members to clap their hands frantically if attacked and to wear athletic cups when visiting coffee shops, women’s colleges, and other left-leaning places where spoken word poetry is performed. Continue reading “The Atrocious Moshus Trading Card”

The Clicky-Toed Walrupede Trading Card

The Clicky-Toed Walrupede

The Clicky-Toed Walrupede was genetically engineered by SinoTech New Tomorrow Limited Hong Kong to eat cigarette butts in gutters and sewers.

The creature’s genome is mostly newt and centipede and contains only enough walrus DNA for the teeth, which were critical for the distinctive logo and for the marketing tag line: “Let a walrus eat your butt!” Other than that, the Clicky-Toed Walrupede is not too much different from all the other newt hybrids that have escaped from the scavenge-for-hire ecological remediation industry. Continue reading “The Clicky-Toed Walrupede Trading Card”

Donald Trump Asshole Animated GIF

Donald Trump Asshole

Trump has no respect for facts. Truth is whatever he can convince the poorly educated to believe. He speaks to people’s hates and fears, and it is easiest to use these tools on people who don’t know much outside of what they get from political rant in the media.

Political rant has created a lot of rabid people, and they are like the damaged people in cults, the ones manipulated into committing random acts of violence.

In this case, the act of violence was to vote for a mean-spirited buffoon who doesn’t care what he destroys in order to validate his tiny little ego.

Racial Arsonist

“An ‘extremely credible source’ has called my office and told me that Barack Obama’s birth certificate is a fraud”
-Donald Trump

Holy Fuck Turtle Animated GIF

Holy Fuck Turtle

“If you don’t want to see a turtle’s pecker, then don’t scare the shit out of it.” -ancient Sumerian proverb

What the Sumerian proverb refers to is the fact that the turtles of the ancient world were a lot more confrontational and would rear back and say “come at me bro” if you messed with them. In the ancient Sumerian epic Gilgamesh, the hero uses kung fu to righteously kick the asses of several belligerent turtles, and that is why the SPCA includes a copy of the text in its annual book burnings. Continue reading “Holy Fuck Turtle Animated GIF”

Satan’s Retarded Cousin Earl Animated GIF

Satan’s Retarded Cousin Earl

Yep, that’s Satan’s retarded cousin Earl. (They don’t use terms like “intellectually disabled” in hell.) Earl is who Satan put in charge of Donald Trump.

Earl lives right there inside Trump’s skull, and most of the time, Earl is the one who actually decides what Trump says and does, and you need to remember that.

Every time you start ridiculing the President for acting like a mean-spirited baffoon, what you’re really doing is making fun of Earl and the intellectually disabled, and that’s not very nice. Continue reading “Satan’s Retarded Cousin Earl Animated GIF”