Author: Jethro Sleestak

The Snizzle-Snouted Snurtildurt Trading Card

The Snizzle-Snouted Snurtildurt

The Snizzle-Snouted Snurtildurt has a voice like that of Paula Poundstone and was genetically engineered to sing opera off-key as loudly as possible. The Snurtildurt was created by the CIA to be a more legally-acceptable alternative to waterboarding, but the International Criminal Court in The Hague ruled that use of the creature was “really fucking bad, like worse than my stepdad even.”

[Am I remembering an episode of NPR’s Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me?]
Continue reading “The Snizzle-Snouted Snurtildurt Trading Card”

The Jippled Blundersnerf Animated GIF

The Jippled Blundersnerf

The following wisdom was recorded while Reverend Bobby Lee Jones of El Dorado, Arkansas was under the effects of the Jippled Blundersnerf:

When George Warshington and Jesus started America back in the olden times, they outlawed all the Liberals and the Communists and the global warming, but then the Democrats let it all come back in, and now they have it in the kid’s textbooks just like the evolution and all that nonsense.

Nowadays you don’t even have to talk American down at the Walmarts. I tell you what. Jesus is going to smite the fuck out of this country, and I can’t wait.

The Jippled Blundersnerf Trading Card

The Jippled Blundersnerf

The Jippled Blundersnerf or “Good-God-O-Mighty Moth” is a gnat-sized moth that lives on psilocybin mushrooms and carries concentrated hallucinogenic alkaloids in its bodily fluids. Because the creature is attracted to the moist mucous membranes of mouths and noses, it is often inhaled by cattle, dogs, and humans, who then begin to hallucinate intensely, especially if multiple moths were snorted.

The Blundersnerf swarms on warm summer nights, and this may explain why tent revivals in the deep South back in the day were filled with so much ecstatic singing, shouting, and jumping around. Continue reading “The Jippled Blundersnerf Trading Card”

The Repulsive Glurp Trading Card

The Repulsive Glurp

The Glurp’s flabby skin is clammy and repulsive to the touch, and it secretes a greasy coating that smells like rotting meat. The ancient Assyrians used the Glurp’s secretions to lubricate the axles of their war chariots. Today Glurp meat is used primarily for school lunches and for the manufacture of tires. Continue reading “The Repulsive Glurp Trading Card”

Burping Doofus Animated GIF

Burping Doofus

The miracle of beer is that it enables you to belch directly into someone’s face and not care even though you are desperately trying to pick them up and would otherwise be too nervous to try.

The problem with beer is that you keep drinking them and burping directly in the desirable person’s face and talking too loud and acting like a jackass. Continue reading “Burping Doofus Animated GIF”

The Doofus Maloofus Trading Card

The Doofus Maloofus

The Doofus Maloofus is living proof that a dragon can successfully copulate with a banana slug, provided you don’t expect too much in the way of smarts. Dragons may be naturally clever, but the Maloofus got it smarts from its momma, and you wouldn’t want to see its SAT scores. Continue reading “The Doofus Maloofus Trading Card”

The Scandalous Snootledroot Trading Card

The Scandalous Snootledroot

The “Scandalous” Snootledroot is perhaps the most effective drain-cleaning newt hybrid ever engineered for home use. The first online ads for the creature featured the annoying catchphrase: “It’ll snootle your drootle!”

Then the phrase became associated with “snootling,” which was a euphemism for allowing the creature to climb up anal passageways for sexual pleasure, and advertisers abandoned the catchphrase in favor of “America’s most wholesome drain-cleaning newt” or something dull like that.

Most people forget that until CNN broadcast pictures of Ted Cruz’s emergency room X-rays, the Snootledroot was associated with the annoying jingle from its online ads, not the sexual practice. Continue reading “The Scandalous Snootledroot Trading Card”