Tag: Improbable Creatures

The Ferocious Veenertoof

The Ferocious Veenertoof or Saber-toothed Wiener Dog was the apex predator of the Pleistocene epoch. It fed on ice-age megafauna such as woolly mammoths, dire wolves, mastodons, cave bears, and even our own Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon ancestors.

Though small in size, the Veenertoof hunted in packs of several hundred animals that functioned like highly-efficient killing machines. Even a full-grown male mammoth could be dragged to the ground and stripped to the bone by a pack of Veenertoof, and done so within a matter of minutes not hours.

A famous Cro-Magnon mural in the Lascaux Caves in France depicts such a scene in grizzly detail.

In the foreground, a large mammoth runs in terror with at least 132 Veenertoof hanging from its hide like ticks while the rest of the pack tears at it from behind. A stain of red ocher trails the animals on the ground.

Nearby are the bloody bones of other recent victims. To the right, there are other packs of Veenertoof chasing smaller animals in the distance. To the left, a porcupine is molesting a gopher, but both animals appear to be staring at the carnage, frozen in their act of copulation. Continue reading “The Ferocious Veenertoof Trading Card”

The Gentle Runx

The Gentle Runx is what passes for a cow on the home world of the Blarp, who are the species that colonized the Earth in 2069, during what was later called the summer of interspecies love.

By the time the Blarp discovered and colonized the Earth, humans were so tattooed, pierced, modified, and otherwise bizarre in appearance that there was actual sexual attraction between humans and the Blarp and the Blarp’s various farm animals, particularly the Runx.

In Blarp poetry, the Runx is celebrated for its supposed gentleness and desirability as a sexual partner, but it should be noted that most Blarp love poems end with the Runx either decapitating or disemboweling its ardent suitor. Continue reading “The Gentle Runx Trading Card”

The Loathsome Needlebutt

The Loathsome Needlebutt (or Ouchtoe as it is sometimes called) was the first thing Captain Cook stepped on in the year 1770 when he made landfall in Australia and discovered that the little fucker’s barb was capable of sticking through boot leather.

Like nearly every other animal in Australia, the Needlebutt has a powerful venom and no shortage of drunks ready to stumble upon it.

Needlebutt venom is hallucinogenic and extremely unpleasant. It effects have been described by many as making your body feel like it were melting into vomit, possibly because vomiting is what the victims spend most of their time doing.

Others say it is like being sauteed in rancid garbage or smelling every gross smell you had ever smelled all at once. That is why Needlebutt venom is used in micro doses to desensitize international tourists before traveling to the French Quarter in New Orleans during the summer months. Continue reading “The Loathsome Needlebutt Trading Card”

The Flarpish Tringleblerp

The Flarpish Tringleblerp were the smallest, most teeniest of all the Irish  fairies. They crapped in people’s shoes at night and used their credit cards to buy stuff online. That was how they got even with mortals who failed to show them proper respect or sometimes just to be a dick.

Although the Tringleblerp were vanishingly small (or flarpish), they were the power shitters of the fairy kingdom, capable of laying atrocious gorilla turds in people’s boots and wooden clogs if they got pissed at them.

That is why the priests of Ireland encouraged their congregations to hide their shoes in the microwave or refrigerator at night, and that is why leftover cabbage smells so bad the next day. Continue reading “The Flarpish Tringleblerp Trading Card”

The Pork-Roast Dolphin

The Pork-Roast Dolphin was genetically engineered by Seaworld of Omaha to provide a slow-moving target for the sport of competitive indoor harpooning and to help to fill  shortages in the world’s supply of cheap pork.

For the creature’s impact on the sport of competitive indoor harpooning, Seaworld of Omaha won the SPCA’s coveted Idea of the Year award for “an innovative solution to a practical problem affecting us all.” Continue reading “The Pork-Roast Dolphin Trading Card”

The Backward-Assed Anusimian

The Backward-Assed Anusimian allowed people to see what can happen when the same computer network carries data for everything from digital gene splicers to photocopy machines.

In a more innocent world, people used to think that double exposures in old photographs were creepy. If only they could have seen what resulted from someone drunkenly photocopying their ass at an office party while someone else was still cloning rhesus monkeys to meet a project deadline. Continue reading “The Backward-Assed Anusimian Trading Card”

The Snittle Wibsy

The Snittle Wibsy is the most evil creature to ever come from the Walt Disney corporation’s secret labs, worse than the sodomy pandas or the decapitation chipmunks or anything else they ever made for the CIA.

The Snittle Wibsy is more diabolical than any of these because it is a supernatural parasite that controls its host’s mind using a mixture of extreme cuteness and demonic telepathy.

The Wibsy secures a host by snuggling up to the person’s face while they are sleeping. When the person wakes, there is the tiny creature on the pillow beside them, warm, fluffy, adorable, and filled with supernatural malevolence. Continue reading “The Snittle Wibsy Trading Card”

The Scaminy Dunglescrot

Scaminy Dunglescrot was the name of the ill-conceived mascot for the ill-conceived 2068 Christchurch Summer Olympics.

Needless to say, the sexist mascot was not well received at home or abroad, and effigies of Scaminy Dunglescrot were burned in street protests around the world.

The International Olympic Committee condemned the choice of mascot, and it was eventually changed by the New Zealanders to “Bert the Inoffensive Generic Bird not Kiwi,” who was introduced at the 11th hour after weeks of debate over whether or not the kiwi bird was inoffensive to all parties and not reaching a consensus.   Continue reading “The Scaminy Dunglescrot Trading Card”

The Brainivorous Tricerabeetle

The Brainivorous Tricerabeetle is actually a miniature marsupial and not an insect, but it is smaller than a housefly, and it is a parasite of the most pernicious kind.

The Tricerabeetle burrows into the ear canals of people watching Fox News and other forms of conservative infotainment drama shouting. Continue reading “The Brainivorous Tricerabeetle Trading Card”

The Scrunkulous Shitwinkle

Once the world’s population exceeded 50 billion people, it became necessary to transmigrate people’s minds into smaller creatures simply because space and other resources had completely run out.

Many different types of animals were tried out as hosts, with varying degrees of success. Eventually it was learned that a particular type of person felt most comfortable in a particular type of creature.

For example, accountants were best suited for life as a guinea pig, while human resource professionals were perfectly at home as intestinal parasites. Continue reading “The Scrunkulous Shitwinkle Trading Card”