Month: October 2018

The Offensive SnuggaWugga

The Offensive SnuggaWugga is a living example of the importance of timing in scientific research. It was created by extra-terrestrial anthropologists to study the roller-disco subculture in Southern California in the 1970s.

The problem is that the anthropologists came from a planet called Blarf where the pace of life itself was glacially slow, and they deployed the SnuggaWugga in 2018 without even bothering to check and see if conditions had changed, never imagining that they possibly could have in such a short blink of an eye. Continue reading “The Offensive SnuggaWugga Trading Card”

The Anxtipated Humptaglump

Of all the abominations created by mixing naked-mole-rat DNA with the human genome, the Anxtipated Humptaglump is probably the worst, and not merely because of its annoying habit of defecating on pets and small children. No, the worst thing about the Humptaglump is its personality.

The Humptaglump is simultaneously worried by every last little detail that could possibly go wrong while at the same time overwhelmed by the pointlessness of everything. (Essentially, it has the same outlook as any stressed-out engineer working in a cubicle anywhere.) Continue reading “The Anxtipated Humptaglump Trading Card”

The Surveillance Bunny

By the time of the Great Solar Event of 2043, humans were psychologically dependent on constant electronic surveillance.

In 2043, the only part of a person’s life that really mattered to them was the part that was shared with digital video and available to a global audience.

If a networked camera didn’t capture and upload an event, it didn’t happen, at least not  in a way that was vital to the post-human psyche.

Consequently, people experienced extreme psychological distress when electronic surveillance was temporarily interrupted by technical difficulties, and they could not function during emergencies, and so natural disasters claimed many more lives than in previous generations.

In response, healthcare professionals encouraged people to think of their pets as the eyes of the world watching everything they said and did, figuring that irrational delusions were OK if that is what it took for people to function during natural disasters when surveillance was not available.

In this role, the concept of emotional support animals experienced a renaissance. Cat and dog people argued which animal was the best watcher, and both groups made fun of people who had to rely on things like gerbils and newts. New creatures were also made for this market.

The Surveillance Bunny was genetically engineered to have one large staring eye and was marketed as a dual-purpose emergency supply on  doomsday prepper websites, but not many of them were sold.

The ads for the Surveillance Bunny were terrible and probably account for the poor sales. The tagline was: How is your family going to survive the zombie apocalypse without “the meat that watches you?” Continue reading “The Surveillance Bunny Trading Card”

The Blerping Snert is an unlicensed GMO of unknown origin and serves no known purpose. It is odd in several ways.

The creatures eats bars of soap and will eat as many as you give it, to the point that it will actually fart soap bubbles.

It lays its eggs exclusively in miniature golf courses. Continue reading “The Blerping Snert Trading Card”

The Grandpa Spider

The Grandpa Spider is a talking spider that was genetically engineered to remind younger adults why they need to register and vote in every election.

The Grandpa Spider starts every sentence with something like, “I’m not a racist, but…” and ends every sermon with something like, “But you have to agree that we have to do something about all these foreigners.” Continue reading “The Grandpa Spider Trading Card”

The Three-Toed Jiffle

The Three-Toed Jiffle is the most important species of reptile known to science. Discovered in the rain forest near the headwaters of the Orinoco River in 1937, the Jiffle was just one more of the countless exotic species documented in the Amazon basin until scientists learned that its spittle had amazing properties.

The spit of this small lizard contains the psychoactive substance methyl-ethyl-tri-jiffle-fee-fi-mo-miffle, which is called jiffle-miffle for short. Of all the psychoactive substances used by the CIA and other clandestine government agencies, jiffle-miffle is the most powerful. Continue reading “The Three-Toed Jiffle Trading Card”

The Emotional-Support Maggot

Once more than 50% of the U.S. population became morbidly obese, a new type of emotional-support animal was needed because the typical dog or cat was no longer good for the role.

The reason was simple: Even when overfed, a cat or dog could still be relatively fit and active, at least when compared to their owners.

But it wasn’t just a matter of the animal needing more activity than the human could provide. There was also the problem of trying to bond to an animal whose very existence was the worst form of fat shaming.

By failing to eat constantly and by occasional physical activity, the cat or dog was guilty of being insensitive in the first degree as defined by the Shame-Crime Act, and the Supreme Court confirmed lower court rulings that pet-food manufacturers were liable to civil penalties for the pain and suffering inflicted.

Americans desperately needed something that matched their level of gluttony and sloth, and thankfully science stepped up to the plate and produced the Emotional-Support Maggot. Continue reading “The Emotional-Support Maggot Trading Card”

The Pungent Toepillar

The Pungent Toepillar is truly gross: its genome engineer combined pig fetal cells with DNA from fat green hornworm caterpillars to make a hairless warm-blooded monstrosity that grows up to 4 feet in length. The animal has an odor like sharp cheese that emanates from waxy patches on each foot. These cheesy patches resemble large toenails. That’s why the creature is sometimes called the “Toecheese Worm.”

Who originally created this unlicensed GMO remains a mystery, but snack food fans are eternally grateful. Thanks to the Toepiller’s waxy secretions, the corn-chip industry has found a low-cost source of artificial nacho cheese flavoring that has cut the price of horrible breath in half. Continue reading “The Pungent Toepillar Trading Card”

The Lurking Snurk

The Lurking Snurk are the weirdest thing ever: space tourists from a gaseous planet who came to the earth to smell our farts.

With their arrival, some of our butts became the equivalent of a famous gourmet restaurant with a waiting list, but there were so many of the tiny Snurk on Earth that everyone’s butt got snurked from time to time, even the people with substandard farts.

“Snurk!” is the loud honking sound they make when they suddenly inhale and go spherical right next to a farting person’s butt. From this sound comes their human name. The Snurk refer to themselves as “Gary” or “the Gary” or sometimes “Garykind.”

Since the arrival of the Snurk, it is no longer possible to sneak one out in silence.

First you have the loud honks, and then the bloated spherical Snurk slowly floats up to the ceiling, like a cartoon bubble of the fart you just let out. Continue reading “The Lurking Snurk Trading Card”

The Baby Unoceros

Of all the mythic beasts sought after by wizards, the Baby Unoceros tops the list, and the reason is simple: Baby Unoceros snot is used in every magic spell imaginable. It’s like the high-fructose corn syrup of magical ingredients.

Want to remove a wart? You will need six frog scrotums and some Baby Unoceros snot.

Want your boss to start growing hair on his palms? The lips of a flatulent porcupine and Baby Unoceros snot.

Want Donald Trump to fall down the steps of Air Force One and break his fool’s neck before he can destroy more institutions and lives? The queef of a mermaid, three fairy farts, and more Baby Unoceros snot. Continue reading “The Baby Unoceros Trading Card”