The Emotional-Support Maggot
Once more than 50% of the U.S. population became morbidly obese, a new type of emotional-support animal was needed because the typical dog or cat was no longer good for the role.
The reason was simple: Even when overfed, a cat or dog could still be relatively fit and active, at least when compared to their owners.
But it wasn’t just a matter of the animal needing more activity than the human could provide. There was also the problem of trying to bond to an animal whose very existence was the worst form of fat shaming.
By failing to eat constantly and by occasional physical activity, the cat or dog was guilty of being insensitive in the first degree as defined by the Shame-Crime Act, and the Supreme Court confirmed lower court rulings that pet-food manufacturers were liable to civil penalties for the pain and suffering inflicted.
Americans desperately needed something that matched their level of gluttony and sloth, and thankfully science stepped up to the plate and produced the Emotional-Support Maggot.
Growing to the size of a loaf of bread, the Emotional-Support Maggot was genetically engineered for long life without ever leaving the larval stage. Better still, the animal eats constantly and moves about as little as possible, making it the ideal companion for Americans. People could keep them in shopping bags and pull them out as needed for hugs and baby talk and treats.
Of course, the number one Halloween costume for Emotional-Support Maggots was Jabba the Hutt, but you also saw a few Eraserhead babies in strollers, sushi rolls, and the usual stuff.
The first release of the genome had some issues that were resolved in later releases. The most common issue was that sometimes the creature would keep growing and growing, and so there were people who ended up with Emotional-Support Maggots the size of their sofa. There were numerous homes and apartment complexes with structural damage as a result.
The other issue was much more rare but equally disturbing. Some Emotional-Support Maggots could actually molt into flies, and so you had these people going through airport security with giant house flies on leashes instead of something normal like a duck or a turkey.
The recommended habitat for an Emotional-Support Maggot is a plastic-lined shopping bag or beach bag where it can be spritzed occasionally to ensure it stays moist. The creature can only tolerate comfortable indoor climates with adequate AC.
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This trading card is part of a series titled “Uncle Joe’s Field Guide to Improbable Creatures” by Jethro Sleestak. View more Improbable Creatures.