Month: September 2018

The Scrunkulous Shitwinkle

Once the world’s population exceeded 50 billion people, it became necessary to transmigrate people’s minds into smaller creatures simply because space and other resources had completely run out.

Many different types of animals were tried out as hosts, with varying degrees of success. Eventually it was learned that a particular type of person felt most comfortable in a particular type of creature.

For example, accountants were best suited for life as a guinea pig, while human resource professionals were perfectly at home as intestinal parasites. Continue reading “The Scrunkulous Shitwinkle Trading Card”

The Desert Crocoloosa

The Desert Crocoloosa supposedly haunts the deserts of the southwestern United States and northern Mexico, but it is most commonly reported by people day drinking tequila in the blazing sun, and thus its actual existence is a matter of debate.

The Bible mentions the Crocoloosa at least 17 times. It is the beast upon which Abraham road in triumph when he entered the city of Detroit, and it is the beast which appeared to the prophet Isaah in a dream.

Biblical scholars point out that Isaah’s dream occurred directly after the wicked priests of Baal had challenged him to a drinking contest and he kicked their asses, but the Bible does not explicitly state that the alcoholic beverage was tequila. Continue reading “The Desert Crocoloosa Trading Card”

The Murderous Hellbeast

The Murderous Hellbeast of Alpha Centauri 6 was originally called the Hot-Ass Mommacita by the cis-hetero-male crew of the space freighter that discovered it on the 27th year of their nominally 20-year mission.

The space freighter was the #LOL-420-YOLO, part of an asteroid mining operation in the Alpha Centauri system, and its crew included the sub-crews of all its detachable mining units, and so 87 people in all.

Before the planet was nuked from space, Alpha Centauri 6 was sufficiently Earth-like to be used for R&R by the crews of the different asteroid mining vessels working out that way.

Mostly this R&R consisted of drunken hunting and fishing trips where the goal was to shoot as many creatures as possible using high-caliber rifles and rocket-propelled grenades. (You don’t get many sensitive types working in asteroid mining. Or women. Or guys who aren’t complete assholes.) Continue reading “The Murderous Hellbeast Trading Card”

The Voracious Seamoose

The Voracious Seamoose was genetically engineered to replace goldfish as the disposable animal given away at carnivals to teach children how ugly and depressing life is.

The problem is that the Seamoose was bred to be even more indestructible than the little orange carp they replaced, and so most of them weren’t actually dead when they got flushed down the toilet. Continue reading “The Voracious Seamoose Trading Card”

The Snortled Bloatbeast

The Snortled Bloatbeast has a neck that is telescopic and shoots out over three times the animal’s resting height. The Bloatbeast also has a “snortle” instead of a separate nose and mouth, and food is sucked into that orifice  and swallowed whole without chewing.

The Bloatbeast’s snortle combined with its telescopic neck allow it to strip fruit from the tops of trees even though it cannot jump or climb.

The Snortled Bloatbeast is the worst pest afflicting Texas’s marshmallow growers, and a single animal can strip an entire grove of marshmallow trees in a single night. Continue reading “The Snortled Bloatbeast Trading Card”

The Poopled Snart

The Poopled Snart was genetically engineered from the DNA of guinea pigs and long-haul truck drivers addicted to amphetamines. The creature is very high strung, and it frantically collects dog turds and attaches them to its back as a form of camouflage.

The Snart was created to clean up stadiums and amphitheaters after events, and the creature is widely use for that purpose, but in the wild it prefers dog turds to empty cups or trash or  anything else it can find except for political campaign buttons.

That is why you will sometimes see what appears to be a pile of dog turds moving around on the ground with a MAGA button stuck on top of it. Look closer, and under the pile of turds,  you will see what appears to be a tiny old man on all fours wearing a guinea pig costume made out of old footy pajamas, but that is the animal’s actual hide. This creature is the Poopled Snart. Continue reading “The Poopled Snart Trading Card”

The Snartled Dingledat

The Snartled Dingledat is the smallest of the Australian squawkbirds, which is a loose term referring to multiple ground-dwelling species of varying temperament.

Like all squawkbirds, the Dingledat will squawk and flap its useless wings if you startle it, but the Dingledat is different in one terrible way: The Dingledat doesn’t run away. Instead, the Dingledat leaps and lunges and snaps right at crotch level with its powerful oversize beak.

As article 357 of the Australian Constitution reads, “More than one bloke has had his willy shortened taking a piss in the dark with a Dingledat underfoot. And so no fiddling with the price of horses, if we say we don’t want that. And the same with the taxes, by Christ.” Continue reading “The Snartled Dingledat Trading Card”

The Grumpled Blunderbeast

General Hannibal and his Carthaginian army crossed the alps in 218 BC with some armored elephants, but it was the larger and clumsier Blunderbeasts that they brought that truly terrorized the people of the Roman countryside.

The ancient Roman writer Livy and the Greek historian Polybius (our primary sources for the events) agree that Hannibal took great care in guiding his elephants through the steep mountain passes, but he let the Blunderbeasts “just roll down the damn mountainside, taking out trees and boulders and fuck all.” Continue reading “The Grumpled Blunderbeast Trading Card”