Month: September 2016

The Stinkled Blinkblatter

Originally thought to be a relative of the armadillo, The Stinkled Blinkblatter is in fact living proof that the kangaroo can successfully copulate with a turtle. The creature runs low to the ground like an overgrown iguana, but it is capable of leaping surprisingly high, up to 1 meter off the ground. The Blinkblatter uses its hooked nose or “stinkle” to jump up and hook onto people’s pants and pull them down. Scientists don’t know why the creature does this, but that is why you see so many drunken Australians walking about with their pants down around their ankles in places like Bali. Continue reading “The Stinkled Blinkblatter Trading Card”

The Yankled Kundermumpf

The Yankled Kundermumpf is an imp with the butt of a chicken that dark lord Satan uses to get skaters to try stunts they shouldn’t. If some kid’s teeth go flying across the concrete, or if their crotch lands on a metal railing so violently that a testicle ruptures, you can be sure that the Yankled Kundermumpf has whispered something stupid into someone’s ear not too long before. Continue reading “The Yankled Kundermumpf Trading Card”

The Prickeldy Yonderkwott

The Prickeldy Yonderkwott is a levitating EnviroPred™ released by the Tyrell Corporation for control of the common housefly. The Yonderkwott resembles a small pink testicle about the size of a grape, and it zips about eating flies almost as big as its head. The Yonderquott has to eat constantly for the same reason the hummingbird does: it takes a lot of calories to hover and dart about so rapidly.

A full 8% of the Yonderkwott’s DNA is of Martian origin, and that accounts for the creature’s powers of levitation and for its prickeldy spines. The creature’s Chinese Pug DNA accounts for the drool and the wrinkles. And the snorts and the snoring and the slobbery sneezes. Continue reading “The Prickeldy Yonderkwott Trading Card”

The Fusilated Sphinctnozzle

The Fusilated Sphinctnozzle originated in southern China, where it is known as the Dukay Dragon, but by 900 BC, Phoenician and Greek merchants had inadvertently spread the creature throughout the Mediterranean basin, the larval form travelling inside citrus fruit and pomegranates. Continue reading “The Fusilated Sphinctnozzle Trading Card”

The Rippercated Crocosnoot

The Rippercated Crocosnoot uses its psyonic abilities to make its owner think it is a fluffy cat or lap dog that anyone would love to pet, but it does not have sufficient power to convince visitors, dates, or small children, who can all clearly see that the thing is just itching to bite and scratch them.

Actually, the Rippercated Crocosnoot enjoys being petted and held and having its belly rubbed, but it also enjoys biting the crap out of people for no reason once it has had enough love. The Crocosnoot likes to latch on with its teeth and kick with its back feet, as if hoping to rip off a chunk of your meat one way or the other. Continue reading “The Rippercated Crocosnoot Trading Card”

The Bajinkled Tindersnort

According to American humorist Mark Twain, the Bajinkled Tindersnort is nature’s answer to the age-old question: “What if a plucked owl had sex with an alley cat inside a shop vac?”

The Tindersnort’s tube-like lips are capable of creating a strong suction, which it uses to vacuum up its prey (teddy bear hamsters and other cute small furry things that make you hate the Tindersnort). Continue reading “The Bajinkled Tindersnort Trading Card”

The Clappastrian Sockomunch

The Clappastrian Sockomunch feeds exclusively on socks soiled with human sweat, and it has evolved an extra pair of legs to assist with the excretion of large amounts of undigested fibers. Like a snake, the Sockomunch does not eat very often (that “mysterious” 1 sock that goes missing each month), but when it eats, it eats something almost as large as itself by swallowing it whole. The Sockomunch is about the size of an athletic sock, and so it can hide very efficiently behind washers and driers and underneath them. Continue reading “The Clappastrian Sockomunch Trading Card”

The Blert-Eyed Schnozzbottle

The Blert-Eyed Schnozzbottle scavenges sugary dregs from discarded fast-food drink containers, which it finds along the shoulders of highways and in ditches. Scientists know that the Schnozzbottle evolved from either rats or squirrels but cannot say which due to the mutagenic properties of caffeinated energy drinks, which obviously played a role in the creature’s origins as evidenced by its eyes. Continue reading “The Blert-Eyed Schnozzbottle Trading Card”

The Twerbled Nerkjozzle

The Twerbled Nerkjozzle is an intracranial parasite that uses its host’s stress hormones to reproduce rapidly inside the skull. People stuck in really bad traffic jams can develop toxic populations in about one to two hours, and people with regular commutes of that level of crappiness are absolutely infested with Nerkjozzle. An article in the Journal of the American Medicological Associations reported that the brains of commuters sampled from seven different metropolitan areas all looked like Swiss cheese, apparently from all the stress holes the Nerkjozzles had wallowed out in them (Burgermerger, B, et. al. Vehicular Brain Rot Syndrome and T. Nerkjozzle Population Size, A Statistical Analysis Plus Some Really Gross Photos. The Journal of That Other AMA. 2016;289:84-107.) Continue reading “The Twerbled Nerkjozzle Trading Card”

The Frizzled Kerploppamus

The Frizzled Kerploppamus is sometimes called “The Devil’s Bird Bath” or “Mother Nature’s Hungry Commode.” The creature’s lower jaw is disproportionately large and round and shaped like the bowl of a modern flushing toilet, while the upper jaw is flat and lid-like, capable of snapping down lightning fast and containing a mouthful of frantic birds.

The Kerploppamus hunts by leaving its mouth open with its upper jaw raised nearly vertical, allowing the bowl of the lower jaw to fill with rainwater, which sooner or later attracts birds, squirrels, yappy poodle dogs, snooping neighbors, and other prey. The creature is named for the “kerplop” sound that raindrops make when they fall into the water-filled bowl of the mouth. Continue reading “The Frizzled Kerploppamus Trading Card”